Current Events > One month before I'm supposed to get married and I'm really not feeling it much

(+) Yeah! (+)

I didn't think I was going to be this nervous/anxiety-ridden about it. Like I really don't think I'm ready yet and I'm borderline freaking out because I don't know what to do. The honeymoon has already been covered (though technically not actually paid for yet), and my fiance's been working on making a wedding dress and shit, and she seems really excited. But I completely freak out if I think about this too much, even though she said I can back out if I wish. I would feel terrible for doing so after all the work she's been putting into it. We've been engaged for over a year (technically speaking). I'm honestly not sure she's completely ready either, based on some things she has told me.

Wat do? I don't want to cancel on her a week or two before we get married, but fuck, I don't know if I can do it right now. My mind is just not there and I am WAY too worried about the future.

Bodes well

Dude call it off

You're looking for a bad time if you go through with it hoping things will magically get better

I dont know this could be natural. Hard to say

Any specifics on your mind about it?

You need to figure out if this is just cold feet or an actual issue. Only one who can figure it out is you.

you can just do what everyone else does and get divorced later

You're (hopefully) just overthinking it. Do you love this girl? Can you see your life without her?

We do have some issues; not super often and not a lot, but the ones that exist are also making me question if this is a good idea right now.

Hows her feet?

Depends on why you don't feel ready. How long have you been with this person? Have you lived together for long?

I ended and engagement and relationship with a wedding planned and once cancelled due to covid

Listen to your gut. I was happy to get out and apparently all my friends were too

Yawn_Master2 posted...

Depends on why you don't feel ready. How long have you been with this person? Have you lived together for long?

I've lived with her for nearly 4 and we just made 3 years together last month.

I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally ready for such a big commitment. I also feel like relationship expectations change once you're married and I don't think I'm ready to deal with that. There's also external reasons such as the fact that I'm probably going to lose food stamps in the next three months, and she will eventually stop collecting on social security, meaning our lives will absolutely get harder since we won't have any more government assistance at that point (which has NOT been the case as long as I've been here). I just feel like my mind is too cluttered and we might have jumped on the marriage bandwagon a little too quickly.

MrResetti posted...

I ended and engagement and relationship with a wedding planned and once cancelled due to covid

Listen to your gut. I was happy to get out and apparently all my friends were too

I don't want to end the relationship or even the engagement, I'd rather just wait indefinitely to get married. Now that it's so close I am getting extremely nervous.

Super_Slash posted...

There's also external reasons such as the fact that I'm probably going to lose food stamps in the next three months, and she will eventually stop collecting on social security, meaning our lives will absolutely get harder since we won't have any more government assistance at that point (which has NOT been the case as long as I've been here

I'd say just talk to her and see what she thinks about that. If you weren't getting married those would still be events on the horizon right? So how does marriage change those things? How would you work through it if you weren't getting married?

Super_Slash posted...
Super_Slash posted...

I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally ready for such a big commitment. I also feel like relationship expectations change once you're married and I don't think I'm ready to deal with that

What kind of expectations? Infidelity?

i take back what i said. from everything said, there's literally no reason for you to get married.

why would you even want to get married in this scenario? literally no benefit.

Have you talked to her about this?

emblem-man posted...

What kind of expectations? Infidelity?

Moving somewhere else, possible talks of adoption one day, neither of which I want to do quite possibly ever. The only place I'm comfortable, and want to, move back to is my hometown. Those are the two biggest examples I can think of. She's a very traditional person with a "knight in shining armor" kind of mentality, and marriage will intensify that.

emblem-man posted...

I'd say just talk to her and see what she thinks about that. If you weren't getting married those would still be events on the horizon right? So how does marriage change those things? How would you work through it if you weren't getting married?

You are correct, I'm probably not making much sense here since I don't know how to explain it.

It's pretty normal to feel anxious.

You seem happy in a 4 year relationship, and are worried about things changing. But what would change, really?

BroodRyu posted...

Have you talked to her about this?

Not yet, but we had a small conversation about it a few days ago and I think she probably knows I'm second guessing. I plan to discuss it with her though.

If you're at a point where you need government assistance to eat and life will get harder after marriage, then doing it would be kind of dumb. No offense, but don't get married just to get married. It should make sense.

Super_Slash posted...

I've lived with her for nearly 4 and we just made 3 years together last month.

I don't think I'm mentally or emotionally ready for such a big commitment. I also feel like relationship expectations change once you're married and I don't think I'm ready to deal with that. There's also external reasons such as the fact that I'm probably going to lose food stamps in the next three months, and she will eventually stop collecting on social security, meaning our lives will absolutely get harder since we won't have any more government assistance at that point (which has NOT been the case as long as I've been here). I just feel like my mind is too cluttered and we might have jumped on the marriage bandwagon a little too quickly.

Sounds like a marriage would just add to an already chaotic lifestyle that you have. Try to find stable footing financially. Having that weigh on you would wreak havoc on any relationship.

Super_Slash posted...

Moving somewhere else, possible talks of adoption one day, neither of which I want to do quite possibly ever. The only place I'm comfortable, and want to, move back to is my hometown. Those are the two biggest examples I can think of. She's a very traditional person with a "knight in shining armor" kind of mentality, and marriage will intensify that.

Ok those are definitely reasons to stop and pause.
Even if you stop the wedding, you shouldn't "lead" her on if you're not on the same page regarding location and kids

emblem-man posted...

Ok those are definitely reasons to stop and pause.
Even if you stop the wedding, you shouldn't "lead" her on if you're not on the same page regarding location and kids

Oh I've told her I'm not really interested in adopting, and she's only mentioned moving a couple times in passing. I just think those are realistic possibilities for expectations in the marriage.

If you call it off, you need to understand you are essentially dumping her.

Super_Slash posted...

I don't want to end the relationship or even the engagement, I'd rather just wait indefinitely to get married. Now that it's so close I am getting extremely nervous.

Then you're just getting cold feet and need to realize that and push forward

WarfireX posted...

If you call it off, you need to understand you are essentially dumping her.

How so?

AloneIBreak posted...

Hows her feet?

Not as cold as TC's feet

MrResetti posted...

Then you're just getting cold feet and need to realize that and push forward

I think there are legitimate reasons to want to hold off on marriage that don't also involve breaking up with the person.

So you know what you want and don't want any input. Whatever.

MrResetti posted...

So you know what you want and don't want any input. Whatever.

I do want input because I don't know what to think OR do, or I would have done it already.

Super_Slash posted...

How so?

"Hi baby I'm sorry I just can't go through with this right now. None of our long term goals match up. Moving out of state, adopting children, I don't want any of that."

If you don't understand, then Idk what to tell you. I think you should spare this poor woman's feelings so she can find a husband that will do right by her.

WarfireX posted...

"Hi baby I'm sorry I just can't go through with this right now. None of our long term goals match up. Moving out of state, adopting children, I don't want any of that."

If you don't understand, then Idk what to tell you. I think you should spare this poor woman's feelings so she can find a husband that will do right by her.

I mentioned those as possibilities but I really don't believe they'll be major issues. What I'm more worried about is the fact that we're not on very stable footing financially. There's many ways that could go wrong. Aren't conditions supposed to be as ideal as possible for marriage?

It's a bad situation.

We've had posters here on the receiving end of this.

It's gonna be bad to shut it down
But arguably worse to actually enter the marriage and only face it later.

You invested years of your life, of course you don't want to feel like you wasted it on both your sakes, but damn if you really aren't in it.

Just me personally, I believe going into a wedding shouldn't involve any lack oconfidence.e or hesitation. Of course you shouldn't also do something dumb, like make it more than you can afford.

KaZooo posted...

It's gonna be bad to shut it down

I mean, she gave me a way out not even a week ago because she knew I was getting cold feet. So hopefully it wouldn't end badly.

I think maybe you should talk to your wife about it, maybe you're more nervous about it than you think. But I can understand why you'd feel very odd about it, it's a big step in your life.

No one here can give you certainty. Just make a decision and go with it.

WarfireX posted...

"Hi baby I'm sorry I just can't go through with this right now. None of our long term goals match up. Moving out of state, adopting children, I don't want any of that."

If you don't understand, then Idk what to tell you. I think you should spare this poor woman's feelings so she can find a husband that will do right by her.

If they are that far apart on long term goals they shouldnt get married and should just end things totally so she can find someone who shares her goals.

None of this Im not ready now, because if you just dont want those things dont fucking lead her on with I need more time.

If you can see if you can sit down with a counselor or therapist to get these concerns and thoughts examined by a 3rd party who understands the human psyche better than most here.

boomgetchopped3 posted...

I dont know this could be natural. Hard to say

Yeah, I've seen people getting "cold feet" about a wedding in the short time leading up to it portrayed in pretty much any form of media for my entire life.

Oftentimes it's doubting it on the actual day or the night before, however a month is a relatively short time when anticipating something like a wedding.

I got married after a decade with my now wife and living with her and having a child. So getting married was like waaaaay after wed been together.

We went to the courthouse and our families came. We went to a nice restaurant after and slept at a nice hotel that night.

It was great!

Cuticrusader09 posted...

If they are that far apart on long term goals they shouldnt get married and should just end things totally so she can find someone who shares her goals.

None of this Im not ready now, because if you just dont want those things dont fucking lead her on with I need more time.

Why are you guys honing in on those two scenarios I mentioned? Those are honestly very minor concerns of mine. I seriously doubt they're high on her priority list either.

Do you two have a bunch of wedding stuff planned out?

Super_Slash posted...

Why are you guys honing in on those two scenarios I mentioned? Those are honestly very minor concerns of mine. I seriously doubt they're high on her priority list either.

If your only real issue is the longterm financial stability of your life with her, why don't you talk it out with her?

Also, think about it like this, if you weren't getting married, would any of that change? Would you somehow be more financially stable if you just kept living with her like you do now, without a wedding?

Honestly if the situation is going to be the same either way, the most obvious solution to me would either be to go through with it, or push the wedding back until after that financial instability hits to see if you can somewhat comfortably get through that situation together or not.