Current Events > Having issues with alcohol again

(+) Yeah! (+)

A couple weeks ago I had a pretty messy bender. I drank non-stop from Thursday afternoon to 6am on Saturday, and it fucked with my mind extremely bad. I binge-drank my last 8 cans of cola and whiskey after waking up at 3am so I wouldn't be tempted to drink on Saturday, put on some Phoebe Bridgers songs and chose select moments to chug what I had.

I blacked out super hard that entire weekend, and for the next four days I was kinda in shambles. Kept thinking I was gonna get fired from my job and I thought about messaging an old friend to be as hurtful as I possibly could to them. I realised I had to stop drinking - it was around this time that I was doing the math on how long it would take me to leave my shithole town, so that added incentive to stop drinking since I'm gonna need a lot of money.

I made it two weeks, because some of the only people I still spend time with irl messaged me to have beers with them. I woke up this morning with a massive hankering to keep drinking, but that's subsided somewhat. The urge is still there, and it's strong, but I've got it under control.

It just sucks that without alcohol, I don't really have a life here. I'm just biding time until I can move to where I want to be. My mind gets fucked up when I'm drunk, I black out and get lost and I spend money hand over fist. But there's a mental toll to sobriety too, where I begin to feel my emotions at full strength after three weeks of not drinking and I take a significant emotional dip after three months. Like I'll just be playing a video game and then I'll think "I'm going to die", and that's my whole afternoon gone.

I don't have friends when I'm sober, but I lose my mind when I get drunk. I spend so much money trying to stay drunk, and the person who comes out the other side three days later is a nervous wreck who can't maintain a sober lifestyle. If I spend too much time sober, I begin thinking I'm going to die. I spend too much time getting drunk, I'm probably gonna die.

I'm seeing a counsellor, and it's only with her help that I'm going to be able to transition to sobriety. It's going to be a long, fucked up process. I missed an appointment with her this past week because I was working a late shift and thought it was the day after, so I don't really know when I'm gonna be seeing her next and putting any of this into practice. Just kind of in limbo on that front at the moment.

There's no use complaining about how bad life is, but it really hits home how no matter what I do, I'm going to feel like dying. Things are a cycle of bad things broken up with a tedious industrial laundry job I'm desperate to keep so I have the remote chance of having a better life in the future. There's never any reprieve, and I'm always on guard around everybody. I don't know what I'm gonna do if I stay sober, but I don't have a future if I keep drinking.

Alcohol really fucks with my brain. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm going to be alright in the end - note to mods, this isn't like a suicide ramble and I have the sense to seek help in the face of a crisis so plz no mod. I'm going to be okay because I have no choice but to be okay. But I'm not gonna lie, I feel incredibly fucking weird right now.

Use weed. It's less harmful and not addictive. Also, no hangover!

There's also strong evidence that it can help those addicted to other substances by replacing the addictive substance. Making it easier to quit the addiction.
I personally know one person who used weed to quit heroin.

Yes, use different drugs

Or go to AA and have them yank ya around

That sounds like it absolutely sucks. It really helps to be around people who don't go so crazy. A few years back I moved to a new town and fell in with a group of friends who made it very, very difficult for me to not drink, partly because it was so much fun, but also because they were dependent on it and I feel like they needed everyone else to be like them so they didn't feel so bad about their own lives.

I only stopped drinking so much because I moved again. The fresh start allowed me to form friendships that weren't based on drinking. I made sure to surround myself with people who weren't like my old friends. I know moving isn't always an option, but choosing to be around the right people usually is.

Imit8m3 posted...

Use weed. It's less harmful and not addictive. Also, no hangover!

I don't like smoking, and smoking weed poses similar health risks to smoking tobacco. It also carries the risk of cognitive decline like all recreational substances that impair brain activity. It's probably better for people than alcohol, but pot carries other health risks, including some that don't currently affect me. So I'd rather abstain.

Unsugarized_Foo posted...

Yes, use different drugs

Or go to AA and have them yank ya around

I'm critical of programs like AA, especially anything with a religious angle. I'll check myself into a mental ward if I need to, that's what my sister did when her mental illness reached a peak and she was eventually diagnosed with BPD because of it. I'll also see counsellors and psychiatrists. But I'm wary of groups like that, and even if there was a program like that where I live which I don't think there is, I wouldn't be comfortable going to it.

I'm going to prioritise my ongoing counselling.

You are way too fucking smart and coherent to ruin your shit like this, man. I don't know how to help, but if I can, let me know.

I quit drinking and smoking cold turkey. No problem.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

That's definitely how it is. I lost some friends last year - I left, and despite how hard it was I don't regret it - but before I left, I was going through a long sober streak due to a health problem caused by alcohol. And I realised how uncomfortable my best friend made me. I straight up didn't like him, being around him made me feel bad about myself. Something was seriously fucking wrong, and I began spending less time around him. Sidenote, that feeling was absolutely fucking correct and he was a scumbag fuckface - but that's another story.

After three and a half months of sobriety, I came to a crossroads where I would either follow the most advanced, spiralling depression I had ever felt in my life, or I would drink as a stopgap measure to stay sane. I chose to drink, though it wasn't an easy decision - I spent a couple of hours staring at a bottle of gin before I opened it.

The next day, I could be around my friend no problem - I wanted to be around him, even. He said that it was like I was like my old self again.

And I agreed with him. I felt normal again.

I appreciate your story, and that you're interacting with this thread in good faith. The biggest challenge for me is losing what few friends I do have due to them being drinking buddies who I don't see otherwise, and the thought of that spiralling advanced depression coming back. It is truly the worst I've ever felt, and I know a better life is past it and I have counselling to help me through it, but it will absolutely be the hardest part about overcoming this. It's seriously fucking bad, and it comes after a moment where sobriety "clicks" and chases a period of time where it feels normal and okay to be sober.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. It really does feel like being drunk is the only time you feel normal, and I'm sorry that led to where things led for him.

Xavier_On_High posted...

I only stopped drinking so much because I moved again. The fresh start allowed me to form friendships that weren't based on drinking.

This is my hope with moving. The one caveat is that I need to save up about 20 grand before I even consider making the sort of move I want to make, which is like... October at the earliest. Almost certainly gonna be longer than that.

And yeah, that support structure would be good. Though saying that, I was the heaviest drinker in my old friend group. I'd be drinking even when they weren't, it didn't really curb my own alcoholism. Though saying that, I think it's because of how unhappy my old best friend was making me.

Guide posted...

You are way too fucking smart and coherent to ruin your shit like this, man. I don't know how to help, but if I can, let me know.

I'm good, but I appreciate you saying that. Not to like be conceited and overvalue myself, but I don't think brainpower has much to do with alcoholism. It's like trying to overwrite how you feel with how you should feel - no amount of rationalisation, facts or logic is going to eliminate that base feeling that something instills in you. People don't drink because they're not smart enough to get out of it, they drink because they're unhappy.

FightingJester posted...

I quit drinking and smoking cold turkey. No problem.

I quit for about three and a half months, honestly feel pretty proud of that. It's less the alcohol that got in the way there, and the fucking soul-sucking void of depression that hit me without that numbness that alcohol had previously provided. It was like getting hit by a truck, I wasn't in counselling at the time, and alcohol was my last resort - otherwise I would have kept to my sobriety.

Quitting cold turkey is possible, I've done it before and I can do it again. It's rough, then it's smooth, but god fucking help me when that depression hits - it's on a whole other level.

You don't need to smoke weed. In fact edibles are much more effective and healthy.

The "cognitive decline" you speak of is actually just old propaganda. The only time cognitive function is impaired, is while you are high. When you sober up, it's all back to normal, unlike alcohol.

I havent read the entire topic, but another tip is to let your friends know that you have a drinking issue and need help. I saw that you choose to stop drinking but then went out for beers. You cant do that anymore, and it might be helpful to let them know that

Im wishing the best for you!

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

I have this scenario in my head of like joining some radical zine crowd or like joining a writing hobbyist group or something in the city. Something fun like that. The first one is kinda pie in the sky, but anything can happen.

And you don't have to apologize for talking about your dad. One way I relate to what people are going through is by offering an experience that resonates with what they're saying, as a way of expressing that what they're saying is being heard. It was relevant and it was helpful to see - I appreciate you talking about it. Can definitely relate to that sort of grieving.

Damn TC, sorry to hear. You sound exactly like my ex, honestly. She struggled with the exact same thing. Drink hard for a few days, be constantly drunk, do a buncha crazy shit, then feel bad and try to stay sober for a while after. Shed usually last a few days, or up to a week. Then right back at it.

I always felt so bad for her. Its a fuckin vicious cycle, man. Meeting her and dating her was honestly the biggest eye opener Ive ever had in my life. I used to look at addicts entirely differently, but seeing her personally struggle really fucking hurt.

Just know that people in your life that see you go through this will want to help. Dont push em away. Hell, as much of dicks we can be here on CE, finding a place to talk this shit through might be helpful for you.

My ex wasnt into AA at all, either. She hated the religious angle of it. But she did start to attend some other alcoholic support groups that were focused on doing group activities like bike rides, rock climbing, etc She met some great supportive people through that society. Maybe something to look into?

Imit8m3 posted...

You don't need to smoke weed. In fact edibles are much more effective and healthy.

The "cognitive decline" you speak of is actually just old propaganda. The only time cognitive function is impaired, is while you are high. When you sober up, it's all back to normal, unlike alcohol.

I don't wholly believe that to be honest. I'm not against THC, if edibles become more prevalent where I live it's not off the table. But anything that affects cognitive function offers some degree of risk, and I don't think THC is exempt from that.

I totally buy that it's not as destructive as alcohol, and I can believe that the risk of cognitive dysfunction isn't too high. But I absolutely do believe that it's still a factor, and that saying there's "no risk" is a step too far in the other direction.

I live around stoners, when they reach a certain age they start slipping hardcore. They slow right down like a tortoise. Again, zero issue with weed or people's choice to smoke it - I think it should be legalised and taxed like tobacco and alcohol. I don't buy that there's no risk of cognitive decline after significant exposure to THC.

Bad_Mojo posted...

I havent read the entire topic, but another tip is to let your friends know that you have a drinking issue and need help. I saw that you choose to stop drinking but then went out for beers. You cant do that anymore, and it might be helpful to let them know that

Im wishing the best for you!

I appreciate the advice, and I appreciate the well wishes. My only irl friends right now are drinking buddies, unfortunately - that makes socialising without alcohol impossible. These aren't the sort of guys who buy into sobriety.

You're right that I've gotta stop going out for beers, I was considering staying sober last night but socialisation won out in the end. I'm planning to curb this by moving in the next couple of years, and tackling sobriety with my counsellor.

Hit them meetings

MrMallard posted...

I'm good, but I appreciate you saying that. Not to like be conceited and overvalue myself, but I don't think brainpower has much to do with alcoholism. It's like trying to overwrite how you feel with how you should feel - no amount of rationalisation, facts or logic is going to eliminate that base feeling that something instills in you. People don't drink because they're not smart enough to get out of it, they drink because they're unhappy.

Oh I don't mean to say "you should know better because you're smart", just that it's a waste to... waste your mental faculties on this junk. I know firsthand that knowing things, and knowing how to do things, isn't nearly the same thing as actually getting to doing them. I don't blame you, and I hope you don't blame yourself, just wish you luck in kicking this habit.