Current Events > Man my wife has these awkward tantrums and I can't handle it

(+) Yeah! (+)

I'm normally a pretty internally anxious person and patient but the constant complaining about work and freaking out about every single thing that happens ever is really wearing down on me.

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shouldnt have gotten married. Now youre fucked.

Soon you will be the target.

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Think maybe she has anxiety?

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When did this start?

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R.I.P man my wife

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Is she the kind to go off on you if you lightly broach the subject? This needs to be handled asap before you start resenting her. I've lost what I considered good relationships over the exact same behavior. It chips at your psyche

YourDrunkFather posted...

R.I.P man my wife

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Right, if its something you genuinely feel like you cant handle anymore, you need to talk about it. If this has been a thing for a long time, that makes it even harder to bring up because she might view this as YOU changing since youve never brought it up before.

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Have you talked to her about it? I went through something like that when I really hated my job/career path and became a bit of a mess. I know my husband had a hard time too because all Id do is complain about work. He brought it up to me and told me I was pushing him away. At first I was upset thinking he wasnt supportive but then came to understand his point of view. So I changed jobs and changed my behavior.

Have a serious conversation with her. Tell her you've noticed she's been struggling at work more and more, you hate seeing her like this and want to do anything you can to help her out.

She is now aware that she does it a lot, that you've noticed, and that you are now willing to help.

penguin223 posted...

Have a serious conversation with her. Tell her you've noticed she's been struggling at work more and more, you hate seeing her like this and want to do anything you can to help her out.

She is now aware that she does it a lot, that you've noticed, and that you are now willing to help.

This^

Almost verbatim too lol

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Try_Another___ posted...

Think maybe she has anxiety?

Maybe but I don't know what I can do about it. We've talked about counseling and I've tried being as patient as possible about things but it is wearing down on me too.

Ving_Rhames posted...

When did this start?

Honestly it's been this way for a few years now. She got fired from one job, started another job, got let go from that within a two weeks, then finally got a decent new job and has been working there steadily for over a year. Of course no work place is perfect but this is a big cut above the rest but she still groans and moans like she did at the legitimately shitty job.

Thighon posted...

Is she the kind to go off on you if you lightly broach the subject? This needs to be handled asap before you start resenting her. I've lost what I considered good relationships over the exact same behavior. It chips at your psyche

Yes all the time. She freaks out, I try to calm her down, try to find a solution, whatever and she gets mad that she doesn't "want any pep talks". She legitimately wants me to get angry about something that I don't feel so strongly about and say "Yeah that's fucked up" or "Yeah she's a bitch!" and to me that doesn't fix anything.

Cleo_II posted...

Have you talked to her about it? I went through something like that when I really hated my job/career path and became a bit of a mess. I know my husband had a hard time too because all Id do is complain about work. He brought it up to me and told me I was pushing him away. At first I was upset thinking he wasnt supportive but then came to understand his point of view. So I changed jobs and changed my behavior.

I've tried, she gets mad at me and says she doesn't need me and I'm stressing her out and I need to shut up and then an hour later she is shoving her laptop in my face and asking me to QC her e-mail.

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Man I legitimately have brought up that she does it. When she was working at her previous job, she would come home and complain and stress out and shout for hours a day. Not even exaggerating.

After a while I brought it up and she was like "You do the same thing!" Except I don't. I know I don't, because if I try to talk about anything for more than five minutes she shuts me down and flips it back to how shitty her job is.

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My Ex girlfriend was like this. She sounds emotional abusive. Honestly some people are too hard headed and unwilling to change or try something new even if you beg them too.

I hope you guys can work it out but man, that sounds extremely exhausting if you've already brought it up to her before in the past

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Returning_CEmen posted...

My Ex girlfriend was like this. She sounds emotional abusive. Honestly some people are too hard headed and unwilling to change or try something new even if you beg them too.

What are you supposed to do when you've been married almost a decade and are really dealing with this -_-

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Have you tried helping her more evenly distribute aggression by asserting herself around different kinds of people and not just you?

I'm an armchair psychologist that pays you to listen to me

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Hexenherz posted...

Man I legitimately have brought up that she does it. When she was working at her previous job, she would come home and complain and stress out and shout for hours a day. Not even exaggerating.

After a while I brought it up and she was like "You do the same thing!" Except I don't. I know I don't, because if I try to talk about anything for more than five minutes she shuts me down and flips it back to how shitty her job is.

Lmao

Maybe start a 'thing' or have a safeword that you can use to let yourselves know when the other is going into the 'no-go' zone <_<


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MedeaLysistrata posted...

Have you tried helping her more evenly distribute aggression by asserting herself around different kinds of people and not just you?

I'm an armchair psychologist that pays you to listen to me

She has no other people. It's literally just me. And I'm kind of in the same boat. I don't really have any friends to talk to or hang out with on a regular basis.

-_-

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im of the opinion that if youre posting on message boards about marriage problems instead of immediately talking to your spouse like an adult and seeking counseling if needed, then the marriage is already over.

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Hexenherz posted...

She has no other people. It's literally just me. And I'm kind of in the same boat. I don't really have any friends to talk to or hang out with on a regular basis.

-_-

Is there something special about complaining to an SO? I'd rather complain about work with coworkers

I mean, pandemic aside it's hard to just add people to your life, but you'd be surprised what topics get dropped in conversation when someone else shows up to also be someone to talk to

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lemondrop7 posted...

im of the opinion that if youre posting on message boards about marriage problems instead of immediately talking to your spouse like an adult and seeking counseling if needed, then the marriage is already over.

Probably a valid point -_- We have spoken about it. Frequently. Like once or twice a week minimum. She doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior and she doesn't think she's overreacting or talking about things for as long as she actually is.

(and... she does have a really bad sense of time; we have been waiting for seating at a restaurant and she was complaining that we had already waited over half an hour when we had been there like three minutes).

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Hexenherz posted...

She doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior and she doesn't think she's overreacting or talking about things for as long as she actually is.

So she's completely discounting your feelings and what you have to say?

I'm sorry, but this won't change without therapy

Thighon posted...

So she's completely discounting your feelings and what you have to say?

I'm sorry, but this won't change without therapy

this

you're not in the wrong here tc but if you don't actually get into therapy you're going to end up completely wasting your life and becoming sad...these problems will only get worse

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Hexenherz posted...

Probably a valid point -_- We have spoken about it. Frequently. Like once or twice a week minimum. She doesn't see anything wrong with her behavior and she doesn't think she's overreacting or talking about things for as long as she actually is.

(and... she does have a really bad sense of time; we have been waiting for seating at a restaurant and she was complaining that we had already waited over half an hour when we had been there like three minutes).

Your wife is a Karen.

I am so sorry for you.

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Yeah you need couples counseling. Start going by yourself if she refuses to go. Maybe then she will want to join and they will help you with how best to approach her on the subject or deal with the behavior.

My husband had a shit job years after mine and ended up doing the same thing I did to him. Only he didnt try to adjust his behavior at all when Id talk to him about it. We started marriage counseling (for that and other reasons) and one thing the therapist suggested was to each take 15 minutes at the end of the day to talk to each other about it. We each got 15 minutes and that was it.

Cleo_II posted...

Yeah you need couples counseling. Start going by yourself if she refuses to go. Maybe then she will want to join and they will help you with how best to approach her on the subject or deal with the behavior.

My husband had a shit job years after mine and ended up doing the same thing I did to him. Only he didnt try to adjust his behavior at all when Id talk to him about it. We started marriage counseling (for that and other reasons) and one thing the therapist suggested was to each take 15 minutes at the end of the day to talk to each other about it. We each got 15 minutes and that was it.

That's a really good idea.

I am anxious about going to any sort of counseling myself for various reasons -_- Guess I'm just enabling the behavior at that point though.

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Hexenherz posted...

That's a really good idea.

I am anxious about going to any sort of counseling myself for various reasons -_- Guess I'm just enabling the behavior at that point though.

It honestly helped us a lot. My husband is crap at sharing feelings so therapy was a platform for him to open up about other things too and feel heard. And while some of the things he shared were hurtful to me, I also learned not to take it as criticism. So now instead of building resentment toward each other, were able to share things openly.

I havent done individual counseling but Im sure its just as beneficial. My husband did do some and it also helped him.

Hope it works out for you TC

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