Current Events > I need serious advice about dropping a toxic internet friend

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I have an online friend that I chat and game with sometimes. We have some of the same hobbies, and they've been solidly OK when I needed advice or someone to talk to. I don't know them in real life and the only personal information I've shared is my first name. They were open from the start about having mental health issues and that some people find them hard to talk to. I think the number of people willingly subjecting themselves to this person might actually be zero.

Ordinary conversations with this person are draining. Even when talking about books or TV shows, it's like we are actually having an argument where they are dismissive and angry. Eventually, every conversation turns to themselves, and are those are something special. Every account of their life is overly dramatic, like something from a TV show. Sometimes they want to talk about old memories that are troubling them, and what they describe is completely over the top with strong elements of delusional fantasy. When questioned about the things that can't possibly be real, they become angry and defensive. In these cases, they don't seem to realize they are delusional. All the stories told are sad ones, and they are always the victim in each and every one.

Sometimes they make up horrible stories about themselves that involve something like abuse. These stories contain some nugget of "truth", like where it happened, but then everything else is made up for their amusement, which they later admit after they've wrung me out of sympathy and concern. I was told I couldn't take a joke. Sometimes they'll take something I've said I'm worried about and try and get under my skin. It often won't make logical sense and will always be mean, and will go on until they get a rise out of me. I'm told I can't take a joke and that they are trying to help me with psychological issues.

I've tried cutting this person off before and establishing healthy boundaries, and for a while it worked. And then a while back they started talking about dying in a passive aggressive way because of some kind of problem. Every time they talk about the problem, the details are a little different. It seems to involve money for sure. And maybe somebody coming to collect? I think they mentioned getting an old time dueling pistol or something ready just in case.

I want off this ride, but now I feel stuck. I offered the standard advice about calling a hotline if they felt like hurting themselves or others. As far as I'm concerned, they may as well have told me they just finished pulling Excalibur out of a couch cushion and were ready to die in glorious battle against a Demon Lord that would be swinging by for noon tea to collect drug money. But if they are in a dark place, maybe me leaving might push them over the edge. This could also all be intentionally made up for dark drama and their personal amusement. I'm also concerned a little about cyber stalking. I don't want to have to delete my main gaming account and make a new one just to make a clean getaway.

I know it was stupid to try and be friends with someone this troubled (their psychologist allegedly let them go and refused to refer them elsewhere because they are so toxic), and it was twice as stupid to try again. But I'm stuck with my naive choices and need to make better ones. What would you guys suggest? If anyone would like to message me instead of posting here, go for it. I'll take this topic down after a while because it's kind of embarrassing.

Sorry for the long post but I think this situation is sufficiently unique as to warrant it. And thanks for the replies!

Just cut him off. He'll drag you down with him.

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BloodMoon7 posted...

Just cut him off. He'll drag you down with him.

But what if they're serious about hurting themselves? Am I just taking on too much by caring?

darkmaian23 posted...

But what if they're serious about hurting themselves? Am I just taking on too much by caring?

They are responsible for their actions, not you. If this person is being a detriment to your health and well being, then you need to focus on yourself and remove yourself from the situation.

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darkmaian23 posted...

But what if they're serious about hurting themselves? Am I just taking on too much by caring?

It is not your duty to "save" them. And you are not qualified to be trying to in the first place. You've referred them to people who are. Beyond that, it's up to them to take the steps they need to get better. If they choose not to, that's neither your fault, nor your business.

If you feel this person is negatively affecting you and your mental health, which it sounds like they are, then you also need to take the steps necessary to get better. And that probably involves cutting them off and moving on.

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Talking about suicide like that can sometimes just be a way to manipulate you into staying. As others have said, you're not responsible for their actions, and its not like you haven't tried to help them.

There's a saying that I think would apply to you in situation. Don't light yourself on fire to warm others. You don't have to let a toxic person drag you down with them.

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darkmaian23 posted...

But what if they're serious about hurting themselves? Am I just taking on too much by caring?

If they're serious, they are willing to do it regardless. You don't know this person well enough right? They know that and are using this against you to manipulate you. After all, you can do very little to stop them if they did end up being self destructive. You probably can't even contact their family can you. You'd be taking on that pain for nothing, blaming yourself for nothing. That's what they want, they want you to feel that pressure. To keep you in your place.

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darkmaian23 posted...

But what if they're serious about hurting themselves? Am I just taking on too much by caring?

stop caring. they aren't your responsibility. remove them from your life and never look back.

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darkmaian23 posted...

But what if they're serious about hurting themselves? Am I just taking on too much by caring?

You a therapist?

When a layperson tries to save a drowning victim, all too often you just end up with two people drowning.

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Just read the first couple paragraphs. My advice is to assert your own boundaries. Theyre not your responsibility and if their friendship isnt satisfying or fulfilling in anyway, then remove yourself from the toxic situation (in this case person).

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TC, I think YOU should call the hotline and tell them what you just told us and ask them what you should do.

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Thanks for the advice guys! I really needed to hear it.

drop off the face of the earth and completely ignore them.

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sounds like a BPD bitch, godspeed TC.

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BloodMoon7 posted...

Just cut him off. He'll drag you down with him.

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I wouldnt talk to that person tbh, for all you know they can do just fine by themselves - its not your responsibility

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In the interests of full disclosure, Ive been on both sides of that curtain.

Cut them off like the buggery.

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Yeah I agree with just cutting them off, you're not responsible for their wellbeing and it is toxic and manipulative of them to threaten self-harm or suicide, and you're not their personal therapist

darkmaian23 posted...

I'll take this topic down after a while because it's kind of embarrassing.

I dont think it is embarrassing, if it makes you feel any better I've had similar from someone here sending me multiple pm's about their numerous and complex issues, it's very draining when you get 3 in a row paragraphs long and I'd often think "the fuck am I supposed to say" and I started to dread using the site and seeing 3 new messages from them each time, so I just stopped reading and responding to the messages - you don't owe anybody anything, it's not your fault they have these problems and nothing you say is going to help them or make them feel better, so just cut them off as others said
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TC definitely don't feel embarrassed - sounds like you are a caring person and got marked by this guy/girl, not your fault. Use this to learn about proper boundaries and how much you can handle in helping others - in general, not this manipulative person

Lol its the internet. Just ghost them and move on.

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TC isn't going to take anyone's advice and trying to help is futile.

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