Poll of the Day > How do you feel?

(+) Yeah! (+)

Me, I feel fine.

https://youtu.be/Kmv3WlKa6U8

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https://youtu.be/30ZTEuJtZtU?t=40
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https://youtu.be/FYH8DsU2WCk
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Like a rolling stone.
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Fine n' dandy

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Sullied and unusual.

Confused, frustrated, and tired. Over six months have passed since graduation and I am working at a place I don't very much enjoy. I make fifteen dollars an hour and I can barely afford a good place. Part of my job involves checking the files of homeless clients. It really depresses me when I see that a handful of them making more money than I do. I know I should be grateful for being allowed to stay on the company, especially since they allow me to attend doctor's appointments. And they do not ask questions when I go home early because I feel too depressed to work. I know I take it for granted. But I've begun to feel hopeless. I deserve all this for not being more prepared during college. In school, I had concentration and fatigue problems that prevented me graduating sooner. Now I am stuck with those problems still. I don't know how to drive and my fatigue problems prevent me learning how.

Nothing really interests me anymore, and I feel like I go crazy every time someone in the company publicly announces that he/she is leaving the company for another job opportunity. It just makes me even more depressed because it reminds me that I am still stuck here with few to no options for career progression. I have very few applicable skills, and I lack many that would suit me well for work. Postings on job board advertise my degree as a requirement, but they also list years and years of relevant work experience and skills I do not have as requirements as well. It is frustrating to no end. It is driving me insane. I don't even know what kind of work I want to do. I'm reflecting on my entire academic career and I very sorely wish I had taken it more seriously. I'm starting to think I had no place in college. All I could think about at the moment was just getting my degree and getting out. How foolish I'd been. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what interests me. Some of the workers at my workplace, whom I fortunately do not have to see on a daily basis, are complete imbeciles who make the most juvenile data entry mistakes to the point that I question why they are even here to begin with. I cannot take anything seriously because I am just at that point in my life where everything looks like dung, people talk about the most mundane nonsense that I cannot, with all my energy and willpower, care about, and life just feels bleak and meaningless with its very blatant lack of joy and laughter. It's extremely easy for me to hate other people for being happy and successful.

Moreover, after months of writing long paragraphs detailing my woes and sorrows onto a piece of paper instead of on this board, I've realized something that makes me lose a lot of faith in myself. I realized that for a very, very long time, I was a troubled child who insisted that he did not need help by denying and repressing actions and events that show him how scummy he really is. For the longest time, I had thought that I was put into special education during public school because of an inherent lack of intelligence. Then very recently, I started wondering when, if ever this was cited as a reason. Then I recalled from back in my elementary school days, that a teacher explicitly told me that it was because of my behavioral problems. These problems carried into intermediate, then high school, and then to college. I'd always wondered why I had no friends only because I'd forced myself to forget that I was harsh to anyone who showed me any sign of kindness. I regret that I did not realize these problems earlier--or rather, I regret that I repressed them until now. Recalling repressed memories is an extremely painful experience for me. It has been for the past six years. It figuratively murders my energy to get any work done or even have any fun. I'm now of the belief that I am psychologically disturbed and I finally admit that I need help--not just with the depression and social anxiety. People told me to seek help. I should have listened. I don't like to remember my early days posting on PotD. I'm not proud of what I posted then.
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