Current Events > I feel sick and miserable half the time, worse than I've ever felt without using

(+) Yeah! (+)

Okay so basically a lot of kind of bad stuff happened to me last year and this year. I'm also 250lbs due to emotional drinking beer and psych meds that increase appetite and weight gain substantially and habit of emotional eating at night.

1. Sister lets male "friend" stay and live here in den WITHOUT getting permission from my mom or dad and didn't even tell my dad or mention it to him at all. Huge disrespect from both my mom and sister basically going on with my dad.

2. Female friend of 7 years (counting when I came back to town and talking to her again) that I also was friend with HS and kinda close after HS -- stopped being understanding, patient, supporting, and nurturing (a complete 180, she brought me out of my shell I used to be afraid to go in stores/public) and basically started treating me worse than anyone else ever emotionally etc. and justified it saying she "wasn't going to baby me" anymore. A bunch of conflicting emotions and confusion with no resolution for months and months.

3. I end up getting really wasted and blacking out and dad having enough of me getting drunk, so I get arrested on the front porch and taken to hospital. They just let my dad take me home, but then issue a warrant for my arrest. I'm a marshmallow and wouldn't do well in jail. I have never been in trouble with the law and I'm a good boy basically besides dabbling in some substances.

4. Dad basically says he's done and leaves to live with a male friend. My parents marriage is on the rocks out of basically nowhere.

5. I decided to go to a year long program before realizing I had a warrant after the incident, and felt really positive about it and everyone built it all up. I check out the place and it looks great. When I end up getting there, it ends up being very different from how my impression of it was, and little things here and there start adding up and I get to the point where I hit a (possibly primal?) fear in my head telling me I am not safe there, paranoia or whatever. I risk hopping fence and go to corner store and convince my mom to bring me home.

6. Back at home and feel judged almost all the time, all my thoughts, ideas etc it feels like I'm being mocked by society in general and it's very stressful and I never had to deal with feeling this way all the time. I got to the point where I'd have an outburst when my sister was verbally railing me accusing me of shit for no fucking reason and me the whole time pleading with her to stop.

Basically since #3 happened, my life has been a fucking waking nightmare. Things really started to go downhill since Trump became president. My self esteem and confidence is zero. I have severe trust and abandonment issues. I don't know how things will get in public anymore, and I only really feel safe at home.

TOO LONG DIDN'T READ
Basically I feel sick about 40% of the day like my whole body feels bad, and I don't know why. I recently changed my antidepressant, and sometimes I take kratom, and kratom seems to help it feel better. I smoke cigs and usually have some coffee, but I've done all this for years.
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Now this is a story all about how, my life got flipped turned upside down.
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I forgot to mention I used to be in love with the chick, but I kind of got over it because we loved each other deeply as friends. She also said she had no sympathy whatsoever for my possible going to jail thing, that was a fucking shock.
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I'm going to say it has to do with your meds because I know nothing about meds but I do know that family squabbles, cigarettes and coffee don't cause people to freak out. And quit being weirdly dependent on your female friend to baby you, that's just wrong.
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as someone who has experience with kratom i dont think it's that at least. sorry to hear this though, i would recommend telling your doctor about the physical symptoms next time you go in for a visit. other than that just try to focus on the positive and work through the negative as best you can imo. everyone has low points, just focus on trying to better yourself
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eggcorn posted...

being weirdly dependent on your female friend to baby you, that's just wrong.

I'm not.
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you should finish rehab
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Don't feel bad.
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Balrog0 posted...

you should finish rehab

I'm worried about going there again, because of my emotional instability, insecurity, trust issues about people, and paranoia. I tried it before, and it felt like I was slipping off a cliff into oblivion and there was no counseling or anything for my problems so it just got worse and worse. And to be honest, I don't even believe it will be safe. I can't trust.
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oh, are you going to therapy for your problems?
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Balrog0 posted...

oh, are you going to therapy for your problems?

I have a referral for a therapist (not a psychiatrist) so I might call this week. Basically my life just spun out of control and everything I knew and could count on vanished.
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catboy0_0 posted...

eggcorn posted...

being weirdly dependent on your female friend to baby you, that's just wrong.

I'm not.

Then why did you tell us you were/are?
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AceAttorneyist posted...

Then why did you tell us you were/are?

because we were friends for a long time and I honestly thought we were tight. then suddenly she fucks off and abandoned me emotionally out of the blue, so that really messed with me and brought my self-esteem and confidence with people to zero. I don't know how to trust anyone except maybe my mom anymore
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Oh, well at least my charges were dropped case dismissed. I have to give thanks for that.
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yeah your life sounds pretty miserable, you should talk to a therapist
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lmao
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what are you laughing about
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the way you worded it seemed funny to me is all
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easily amused
easily abused
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When was your last med check? Have you gained a lot of weight since then? Your dosage may be off, and the medicine may not be working for you now. Or you simply may have built up a resistance to it and need something different.

Talking to your doctor is the most important first step.
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Apparently everyone is fine with what I'm going through, that's what makes me lose hope the most.
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I guess there isn't anything I can do. This is my life now.
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Kratom is like really, really bad, man.
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catboy0_0 posted...

I guess there isn't anything I can do.

go to a therapist or actually commit to rehab w/o relying on your mom or your dad to bail you out
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Okay, at point 2... you need to reassess that situation. If the person who tried to help you got frustrated and gave up, it's because you won't be helped and need to find a way to repair yourself. Maybe it's not your fault that you're miserable, but it's not her job to be a temporary fix to an ongoing problem.
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well it sounds like you're very out of shape and unhealthy. so that's probably why
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Solid Snake07 posted...

well it sounds like you're very out of shape and unhealthy. so that's probably why

This is accurate. Letting oneself go is a never-ending decline physically and emotionally.
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catboy0_0 posted...

Apparently everyone is fine with what I'm going through, that's what makes me lose hope the most.

It's probably not that everyone's fine with it, but society just sucks a bit these days, everyone's pressured to do too much stuff, everyone becomes self concerned, and no one has any time for anyone else.

That definitely causes a lot of stress though, lots of life changes, including losing friends and parents breaking up etc, it adds up and can totally lead to illness. Counteract it by eating well and avoiding substances, except maybe coffee, that's good for you.

Loneliness is a total risk factor for stress and addictions too, would be great if you could find new friends, but depending on where you live, not always easy.

Psychotic depression maybe. Been there, feels bad man

See if the new meds help and talk to your doc about a weight loss program, and see the therapist if your paranoia will let you
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