Current Events > My gf and I fight pretty regularly over familial obligations

(+) Yeah! (+)

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Balrog0 posted...

boxington posted...

if you feel that someone is worth it, then sometimes you've gotta make sacrifices, and this one doesn't seem like a big one, IMO.

We've been together for almost 4 years, dude. Have you been to visit your parents more than 150 times, without exaggeration, on top of your other obligations in the last 4 years?

It depends a lot on how much you value your relationship with your parents and hers. I get along extremely well with mine and start to miss them after a few days. Visiting 150 times in four years only averages out to one visit every 10 days. That is not a lot at all, again, if you care about those people. Clearly you dont. Thats not a bad thing, just realize that this is going to continue driving a wedge between you and your girlfriend. She will resent you for it, or most likely already does.

I mean I met her 4 years ago, we haven't been dating that entire time. And is it really normal to bring your boyfriend along this often the instant you start dating? It's not like I resent her seeing them as much as she likes. Besides, 150 is the floor, not the ceiling, there are plenty of holidays and other occasions like birthdays and visits from relatives, so I'm rounding down...

You're definitely correct that it's a problem though
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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

That is not a lot at all, again, if you care about those people. Clearly you dont.

Shut the fuck up.

Balrog0 posted...

I mean I met her 4 years ago, we haven't been dating that entire time. And is it really normal to bring your boyfriend along this often the instant you start dating? It's not like I resent her seeing them as much as she likes.

I dont know if its normal, but that doesnt really matter. She wants you to spend more time with her and her family, but you dont want to. Again, thats Ok. I make no judgments and hope you can work it out.

I got lucky because my situation is the opposite. My girls family seems to genuinely like me, so I enjoy my times with them. Theyre always cooking for me and trying to do favors or whatever for me, Lol. With my own family, my Dad is my mentor and my Mom always has my back. My bro is my best friend. I see all these people at least once a week, but I wish I could see them more. I know this isnt how it is for others, so I never take it for granted. Since your girlfriend already knows how you feel, either shes going to do something about it or you will. Good luck.
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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

I make no judgments and hope you can work it out.

Lorenzo_2003 also posted...

That is not a lot at all, again, if you care about those people. Clearly you dont.

Something doesn't add up here.
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Punctus_Pilot posted...

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

That is not a lot at all, again, if you care about those people. Clearly you dont.

Shut the fuck up.

Lmao Dont hate, celebrate. Theres nothing wrong with pointing out the obvious. You might be reading more into the words than was intended.

Edit:
LinksLiege posted...

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

I make no judgments and hope you can work it out.

Lorenzo_2003 also posted...

That is not a lot at all, again, if you care about those people. Clearly you dont.

Something doesn't add up here.

Nah, its not what you think. Im trying to make an objective statement. Some things you can just comment on without it carrying emotional weight, although it might not seem that way because of the text.
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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Punctus_Pilot posted...

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

That is not a lot at all, again, if you care about those people. Clearly you dont.

Shut the fuck up.

Lmao Dont hate, celebrate. Theres nothing wrong with pointing out the obvious. You might be reading more into the words than was intended.

You're implying that people don't care about their family if they don't want to spend an entire day with them at least five times a month. That's a ridiculous notion. Honestly, it sounds overdependent.

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Im trying to make an objective statement.

You don't get to decide how much time someone else needs to spend with someone before they care about them.

There's an "objective statement" for you.
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LinksLiege posted...

JcOpIVY86 posted...

[family blah blah blah]

Family isn't everything for everyone.
"Blood is blood" people are insufferable.

People say that until theyre gone.
It was just my mom and my grandparents growing up.
All were gone before I turned 30.
My mom saw my first son turn one, she passed at 58, 3 days after her birthday.
Both of my sons wont know anyone on my side of the family.
Shit. sucks.

Why Im thankful for my wifes family.
They love me like their own, the whole in-laws stigma is foreign to me.
My sons will have.....their parents, grandparents, uncle, two aunts, two sets of great grandparents, and a few very close family friends that are called uncle and aunt.

This wasnt by accident, I always wanted a family, so I found a girl who wanted the same, was close to her family, and thought I was Gods gift for some reason lol.
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JcOpIVY86 posted...

LinksLiege posted...

JcOpIVY86 posted...

[family blah blah blah]

Family isn't everything for everyone.
"Blood is blood" people are insufferable.

People say that until theyre gone.
It was just my mom and my grandparents growing up.
All were gone before I turned 30.
My mom saw my first son turn one, she passed at 58, 3 days after her birthday.
Both of my sons wont know anyone on my side of the family.
Shit. sucks.

Why Im thankful for my wifes family.
They love me like their own, the whole in-laws stigma is foreign to me.
My sons will have.....their parents, grandparents, uncle, two aunts, two sets of great grandparents, and a few very close family friends that are called uncle and aunt.

This wasnt by accident, I always wanted a family, so I found a girl who wanted the same, was close to her family, and thought I was Gods gift for some reason lol.

This is so true. Family is always there for you until they're not. My dad got to see my sons birthday and spend a couple weeks with us when we bought our house two years ago, but he has already missed and will miss so much in his grandsons development. I am thankful for the time we had but wished it was more. It tugs at my heart every time my son sees my dad's picture and says "grampa".

I am not willing to take my mom for granted, and will make sure my son grows up knowing who his grandma is. If that means phoning her every day to make sure she's ok and packing the family up every couple weeks then that's what I'll do.
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LinksLiege posted...

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Im trying to make an objective statement.

You don't get to decide how much time someone else needs to spend with someone before they care about them.

There's an "objective statement" for you.

I might not, but TCs girlfriend is making it known loud and clear. If he doesnt care, well, thats up to him. This issue isnt going to go away on its own. Family is important to a lot of us, even if it doesnt mean shit to you. And I really dont care if you personally find that insufferable, as you said earlier.
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Lorenzo_2003 posted...

Family is important to a lot of us, even if it doesnt mean shit to you.

Family is important to us too. You can care about your family and not want to see them every week. You're overdependent on your family.

Lorenzo_2003 posted...

I might not, but TCs girlfriend is making it known loud and clear. If he doesnt care, well, thats up to him. This issue isnt going to go away on its own. Family is important to a lot of us, even if it doesnt mean shit to you. And I really dont care if you personally find that insufferable, as you said earlier.

People with this kind of attitude are the worst. It is perfectly normal for family to be important to someone without them wanting to spend every waking moment around them. You're not some expert on family dynamics just because you never cut the cord.
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I made it clear to my gf early on that I treasure my off days and she respects that. I work very long days so when I finally get my days off I don't want to do anything.

She respects that and only asks me to do things like see her parents, or her girlfriends if it's an important event. Maybe once a month or less
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That sounds highly unusual, definitely. To an extent I'm left wondering if she truly is consciously aware of all the reasons why she has this need of you. Like, does she herself not really like visiting her parents so much, and finds it horribly draining, and basically needs you there to help her through it because she can't not go as it'd feel like some sort of betrayal or abandonment of them?
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I seriously can't believe that people who don't even see their own parents as much as I see my gf's are trying to shit on me because I don't care about them

well I can because it is the internet but yeah

Tmk posted...

That sounds highly unusual, definitely. To an extent I'm left wondering if she truly is consciously aware of all the reasons why she has this need of you. Like, does she herself not really like visiting her parents so much, and finds it horribly draining, and basically needs you there to help her through it because she can't not go as it'd feel like some sort of betrayal or abandonment of them?

oh this is absolutely the case to some extent, it just varies how much she feels that way on any given sunday and it also varies how self aware of it she will be of it
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She has no business acting this way. I'm guessing she wouldn't like it if you kept bugging her for sex when she didn't feel like it. What she's doing is just as bad.
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Man, the way your gf acted in response to your choices would bother me so much. That silent treatment is incredibly imature. How often does that happen, tc?

Also 2 things I'd like to know, that aren't necessarily relevant: how far away do her folks live, and how long are the visits?
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TC is in the right here, 100% IMO.

It's not even as if he doesn't want to see her parents because he dislikes them. I couldn't imagine having to go to a GF's parents EVERY week for hours at a time each time. That's just too much, I'm sorry. Once a month for him should be just fine except maybe during special occasions. I feel like if she wants to see them more often than that, then there is nothing wrong with that but expecting him to be there every time is just way too much.

If she needs someone to be there more often, then I think she needs to figure out if TC is the right one for her then.
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Drpooplol posted...

How often does that happen, tc?

it never really has happened before, I was pretty surprised tbh

oops

distance: it is around a 30 minute drive, give or take depending on traffic
length of visit: that also depends, but I would say we are typically there for around 3-4 hours, not including travel time and such
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Balrog0 posted...

Drpooplol posted...

How often does that happen, tc?

it never really has happened before, I was pretty surprised tbh

oops

distance: it is around a 30 minute drive, give or take depending on traffic
length of visit: that also depends, but I would say we are typically there for around 3-4 hours, not including travel time and such

So 4-5 hours dedicated to each trip, including driving? Fuck that's a huge commitment of your limited free time for her to not be more understanding. I actually don't know what to tell you. If you can't get to an understanding over this, it could unfortunately be something that you might want to reevaluate your relationship over - which it sounds like you're doing.
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But yeah, this situation sucks, and I feel your pain.
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People that are overly attached to their parents are weird. I mean my parents are awesome and I love hanging out with them but seeing them every goddamn week or so regularly that you have a schedule? Crazy
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fwiw my wife hasnt seen my mother in over 4 years (last time was my dad's funeral)

helps that i mostly see my mother out of a sense of obligation/conflict avoidance.

over last 5 years my desire to interact with people has dramatically reduced so i am a poor basis of comparison

but yes when this stuff is central to a person's life you do kind of have to decide whether to accept or bail

it sucks

if it makes you feel better my wife and i have plenty of other topics we fight about and it's not uncommon in any relationship for it to feel like too much
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I agree with the TC, that sounds like a pain.

The bottom line is that visiting her family is an activity she wants to do but that the TC doesn't. It's completely normal for these things to come up in a relationship but if this is a weekly event then it's bullshit unless she is also doing some 5 hour activity she doesn't want to do for the TC on a weekly basis. Otherwise it's a very lopsided deal.

That being said, since it's "visiting family" she probably won't concede that it's something only she enjoys and that she's being selfish, which makes it a pain to negotiate.
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happy bday balrog
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Darkman124 posted...

if it makes you feel better my wife and i have plenty of other topics we fight about and it's not uncommon in any relationship for it to feel like too much

it does

Drpooplol posted...

So 4-5 hours dedicated to each trip, including driving? Fuck that's a huge commitment of your limited free time for her to not be more understanding.

I mean, yeah, she has a very weird view of these things.

Like, we spend every day together,and when I've told her it'd be nice to have some alone time, she has argued with me that we aren't together all the time because we have work and sleep doesn't count, plus when you factor in the time it takes us to cook, eat, and clean, we only have a couple hours every day to hang out, that's not that much time! so you'd think she would be understanding that even a few hours of free time is really precious or whatever right?

using the same logic I've tried to explain to her that we spend 1/4 of our weekend or more at her parents but she considers that a quick trip that doesn't take much time for some reason....

Link HT posted...

That being said, since it's "visiting family" she probably won't concede that it's something only she enjoys and that she's being selfish, which makes it a pain to negotiate.

indeed
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Balrog0 posted...

Darkman124 posted...

if it makes you feel better my wife and i have plenty of other topics we fight about and it's not uncommon in any relationship for it to feel like too much

it does

Drpooplol posted...

So 4-5 hours dedicated to each trip, including driving? Fuck that's a huge commitment of your limited free time for her to not be more understanding.

I mean, yeah, she has a very weird view of these things.

Like, we spend every day together,and when I've told her it'd be nice to have some alone time, she has argued with me that we aren't together all the time because we have work and sleep doesn't count, plus when you factor in the time it takes us to cook, eat, and clean, we only have a couple hours every day to hang out, that's not that much time! so you'd think she would be understanding that even a few hours of free time is really precious or whatever right?

using the same logic I've tried to explain to her that we spend 1/4 of our weekend or more at her parents but she considers that a quick trip that doesn't take much time for some reason....

Link HT posted...

That being said, since it's "visiting family" she probably won't concede that it's something only she enjoys and that she's being selfish, which makes it a pain to negotiate.

indeed

I would breakup with someone based solely on them not understanding how important alone time is. 100% serious. That's a deal breaker
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Balrog0 posted...

she has argued with me that we aren't together all the time because we have work and sleep doesn't count,

Sounds like attachment issues.

But iunno. Alone time is a line set in stone for me due to my introversion, so I'd break it off with someone the very moment it became clear they didn't understand that.
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Balrog0 posted...

Link HT posted...
That being said, since it's "visiting family" she probably won't concede that it's something only she enjoys and that she's being selfish, which makes it a pain to negotiate.

indeed

so like

do you enjoy seeing her family at all?

some family is cool. my wife's best friend plays dominion online frequently with her fiance's family and they play a lot of other good board games when they see one another

id make a drive to play twilight struggle with a family member

but my mom wants to make me watch celtic woman anytime i enter her home. she wants to whine about her condo tenants and gives zero fucks about what ive been up to, and the things to do in her house are eat bad cooking, listen to her complain, and listen to music i dislike

i do not blame my wife for cutting her off at all. i would not blame you for refusing to drive multiple hours to see her family in that scenario
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LinksLiege posted...

Sounds like attachment issues.

it definitely is

Darkman124 posted...

so like

do you enjoy seeing her family at all?

some family is cool. my wife's best friend plays dominion online frequently with her fiance's family and they play a lot of other good board games when they see one another

id make a drive to play twilight struggle with a family member

but my mom wants to make me watch celtic woman anytime i enter her home. she wants to whine about her condo tenants and gives zero fucks about what ive been up to, and the things to do in her house are eat bad cooking, listen to her complain, and listen to music i dislike

i do not blame my wife for cutting her off at all. i would not blame you for refusing to drive multiple hours to see her family in that scenario

it isn't actively miserable, though her mom does bug me sometimes, but it also isn't fun. I mean, sometimes we play Blokus or something like that and it is alright. but I dont even want to see my friends as often as she sees her family, so...
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buy terraforming mars and teach them to play it

that will help
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