Current Events > My gf and I fight pretty regularly over familial obligations

(+) Yeah! (+)

I told her I didn't want to visit her parents today and she hasn't spoken to me since (except for us to argue) even when I ask her questions directly

Her reasoning for why I should go is basically that we haven't been in a few weeks. Well, the back story there is that she used to go every single Sunday and I went with her for a long time but I told her I didn't want to have a standing obligation every single Sunday for the rest of my life and I wasn't going to do that any more. So she started going every other week and still expects me to go with.

The frustrating thing is she is taking that literally. So I didn't go last week, which means I should go this week. But we'v already seen her family (briefly) twice this week -- and I really meant it more like I don't want to go see our parents regularly.

For reference I haven't even seen my parents since before Christmas. Both of our parents live more or less right down the street from each other so it's not because of distance.

Im starting to believe that I don't think I can make this relationship work
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Does she give good head?

Just visit her damn parents.
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I've already seen them twice this week. Why should I?
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Seems like an odd line to draw in the sand. But hey, you do you.
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if you feel that someone is worth it, then sometimes you've gotta make sacrifices, and this one doesn't seem like a big one, IMO.
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Just agree to do it at least every other Sunday, unless something comes up or you see them another day between then, etc..

You said they're practically up the road, bruh just visit her parents. If you two have any reason to actually be together this wouldn't be an issue.
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ZannoL posted...

Does she give good head?

classic CE response
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Sounds like your gf is overly-attached to her parents.

Balrog0 posted...

haven't even seen my parents since before Christmas.... it's not because of distance.

shaking my head to be honest
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boxington posted...

if you feel that someone is worth it, then sometimes you've gotta make sacrifices, and this one doesn't seem like a big one, IMO.

We've been together for almost 4 years, dude. Have you been to visit your parents more than 150 times, without exaggeration, on top of your other obligations in the last 4 years?

Slip-N-Slide posted...

Just agree to do it at least every other Sunday, unless something comes up or you see them another day between then, etc..

You said they're practically up the road, bruh just visit her parents. If you two have any reason to actually be together this wouldn't be an issue.

If that worked, I would. As I said, we've seen them twice this week but that doesn't count to her.
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They're also near one another, not us but that isn't the issue I have
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IMNOTRAGED posted...

Seems like an odd line to draw in the sand. But hey, you do you.

no it doesnt. if he doesn't enjoy seeing her parents all the damn time then he shouldnt have to. simple as that
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It's not her parents, it is the time commitment. I work all week and have a job that requires weekend and night hours semi frequently. I just like to do stuff on weekends other than clean, prep meals, and see our folks. Is that really that weird? Were almost 30...
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Can you just sit down and talk it out? Both compromise? Four years is a lot of time to throw away.
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Balrog0 posted...

I've already seen them twice this week. Why should I?

yeah that's excessive
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NES4EVER posted...

Just visit her damn parents.

Once a month is okay

But being obligated that is just stupid, people have their own lives to live - it doesn't mean he hates her parents.
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eggcorn posted...

Balrog0 posted...

I've already seen them twice this week. Why should I?

yeah that's excessive

Don't fall for the sunk cost fallacy. A bad investment is worth dropping even if you've invested a ton into it.

Not that I'm saying that's the case here.
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I had a gf like this.

She was molested by her dad and her mom was a stuck up bitch, I wanted nothing to do with either of them. I tried for a long time to be respectful of them when I couldn't avoid them. Eventually I decided to refuse interaction with them.

She would complain weekly that she "isn't allowed to go to her parents". Even though I bought her a vehicle, and insurance, and gas, and encouraged her to go visit her family every time she brought it up.

Her argument was "you know I don't want to go without you, so by saying you aren't going, what you're really saying is I'm not allowed to go".

We didn't work it out.

yea, if it's one of those things where you want to enjoy some free time, then I get where you're coming from
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Time to grow up, OP. If you see this relationship going anywhere then you better make peace with the fact that family is important with this girl. Her wanting you to go with her to see her family isn't unreasonable at all.

If you don't want to go that's fine. It's your choice but you need to realize it'll probably keep creating problems between you two.
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sylverlolol posted...

Her wanting you to go with her to see her family isn't unreasonable at all.

It is if he has fair reasons for not wanting to go that often (which seems to be the case based on what he's said already).

The immature one is the one who's trying to force inane obligations without regard for their partner's own schedule.
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sylverlolol posted...

Time to grow up, OP

What part of my attitude or position do you find childish? Perhaps you haven't perused the whole topic, but I went with her every week for literally years. Is it always reasonable for her to expect my presence, regardless of how often she wants to go do it? What if she wanted to see them every day?
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My roommates gf (who is also a roommate) calls her mom at least once a day (or the mom will call her) and will FaceTime almost daily. For like, an hour or two each time.

Apparently some people are just really, really attached to their parents. I call mine like once a month and see them every couple months and Im fairly ok with that and they are too.
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If you're. just saying this. could be an irreconcilable difference, well yeah, this what I said in op
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sktgamer_13dude posted...

My roommates gf (who is also a roommate) calls her mom at least once a day (or the mom will call her) and will FaceTime almost daily. For like, an hour or two each time.

Apparently some people are just really, really attached to their parents. I call mine like once a month and see them every couple months and Im fairly ok with that and they are too.

I call my mom every day because she's all alone and I live an hour away so it's not always realistic that we go visit her. I used to call every few days but after my dad passed I make it a point to call often.
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Every week or other week sounds terrible.

You only have a day or 2 off a week. Being forced to fill that little time up with something you don't want to do sounds awful
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I have lunch with my parents with my wife every weekend or so for an hour. I don't see the big deal. When we visit my wife's home town we usually stay at her parents house for an extended time. Family is important
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NES4EVER posted...

sktgamer_13dude posted...

My roommates gf (who is also a roommate) calls her mom at least once a day (or the mom will call her) and will FaceTime almost daily. For like, an hour or two each time.

Apparently some people are just really, really attached to their parents. I call mine like once a month and see them every couple months and Im fairly ok with that and they are too.

I call my mom every day because she's all alone and I live an hour away so it's not always realistic that we go visit her. I used to call every few days but after my dad passed I make it a point to call often.

I mean we all live like 5-6 hours away from our parents, and I get wanting to talk to a lonely parent, but I dont feel like Id get that way till Im/theyre older. Like my dad talks to his mom once a week over the phone for a couple hours cause shes in Texas and were in Washington. My mom would talk to her parents fairly often towards the end, but her mom also lived with us for awhile (we also used to live in the apartment complex she managed till she retired).

My roommate also talks to his parents like a couple times a month like myself.
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SoundNetwork posted...

I have lunch with my parents with my wife every weekend or so for an hour. I don't see the big deal. When we visit my wife's home town we usually stay at her parents house for an extended time. Family is important

We start for much longer than an hour lol. And, not to be an ass, but I'd like to know how long you've been doing this and how consistently. I've asked around about this very thing and it's incredibly uncommon to see your parents this much, a lot of people who say they do this don't do so consistently.

For instance, if they have a family birthday party earlier in the week or if they visit their parents for dinner, they might skip Sunday brunch. That is not the case here. As noted. many times, we have seen them twice this week (I said briefly, but both occasions were still. over an hour, to. give you perspective on what brief means here)
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can't you get her parents to visit more instead?
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I'm not understanding why she can't just go by herself sometimes. She's a grown ass woman. I couldn't be in a relationship like that.
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Oh course CE is acting like TC is being unreasonable.

Jiek_Fafn posted...

I'm not understanding why she can't just go by herself sometimes. She's a grown ass woman. I couldn't be in a relationship like that.

This
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TC, anyone ITT telling you to "man up and do it" or some variant is flat out wrong.

Being in a relationship doesn't mean bending over and doing whatever your girlfriend says in exchange for occasional sex. It means you have equal say in said relationship. If every other week is too much (which is debatable, though since you said you already saw them prior, yeah it's excessive), then try and compromise.

Once a month, minimum, is what I'd take. My ex brought me to every single family thing and it was awful. I completely sympathize with you. Having a standing Sunday obligation for the rest of your life sounds absolutely miserable.

If she refuses, then it's a sign that the relationship needs to end.
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I mean it's like we say we can compromise but actually can't in practice. She keeps assuming I'm going to go with her whenever she does, so I've told her to instead please ask me how I. feel or what I'd like to do instead of assuming it.

But what happens is what happened today, where she assumes I'm going because it fits the technical 'terms' of our 'agreement.' So she gets upset when I tell her, actually, I don't want to visit your parents today instead of 'oh yeah you should call and see what they're up to so we can plan our trip'
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Why does she want you to go with her?
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Uhhh I'm going to side with the TC here. Anyone saying to man up sounds like the stereotypical CEman who thinks that once you get a GF you need to do everything and anything to keep her.

A typical adult works 5 out of 7 days. That gives 2 "free" days. A lot of those are filled by standard errands and anything else you need to do as an adult. That leaves precious hours to do what you want to do. Having a standing obligation to visit your girlfriend's parents is unreasonable.

My wife is very attached to her parents and goes to see them a lot. She knows that's her choice to make, and she doesn't expect me to go with her all the time. In fact, she realizes that's kind of my time to myself, especially now that we have a baby. My wife doesn't get offended that I don't want to go, and neither do her parents
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emblem boy posted...

Why does she want you to go with her?

That's actually a good question... At first it was because she wanted her family and I to get to. know each other and feel like part of each others lives. I do get that, that's why I did it for so long.

But tbh she feels the need for us to do everything together. I think she just doesn't like being by herself, especially in situations where she feels like she has to do something she'd rather not actually do. She even has said that if I'm there it's easier for her to leave quicker (which factually isn't true, she leaves way faster if I'm not with her for whatever reason, but that's how she feels I think)
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yanksmtm posted...

A typical adult works 5 out of 7 days. That gives 2 "free" days. A lot of those are filled by standard errands and anything else you need to do as an adult. That leaves precious hours to do what you want to do.

^

my most recent ex is in college so she just couldn't fathom the concept of working 9-5
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Have you told her you dont feel like going because you see them so frequently anyway and thats theres nothing wrong if she goes by herself?
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Kazi1212 posted...

Have you told her you dont feel like going because you see them so frequently anyway and thats theres nothing wrong if she goes by herself?

Yes, of course I have. In much more polite ways than that even lol
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Balrog0 posted...

emblem boy posted...

Why does she want you to go with her?

That's actually a good question... At first it was because she wanted her family and I to get to. know each other and feel like part of each others lives. I do get that, that's why I did it for so long.

But tbh she feels the need for us to do everything together. I think she just doesn't like being by herself, especially in situations where she feels like she has to do something she'd rather not actually do. She even has said that if I'm there it's easier for her to leave quicker (which factually isn't true, she leaves way faster if I'm not with her for whatever reason, but that's how she feels I think)

Ahh, that can be annoying. I feel like my gf is like that sometimes as well.
But yours shouldn't be feeling that way about meeting her parents though
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Balrog0 posted...

Kazi1212 posted...

Have you told her you dont feel like going because you see them so frequently anyway and thats theres nothing wrong if she goes by herself?

Yes, of course I have. In much more polite ways than that even lol

then you should ask her why shes upset with you if thats the case. What does she feel when you decline to go, why does it make her feel bad? Maybe addressing that you two can reach a better understanding, unless shes like this with everything
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Kazi1212 posted...

Balrog0 posted...

Kazi1212 posted...

Have you told her you dont feel like going because you see them so frequently anyway and thats theres nothing wrong if she goes by herself?

Yes, of course I have. In much more polite ways than that even lol

then you should ask her why shes upset with you if thats the case. What does she feel when you decline to go, why does it make her feel bad? Maybe addressing that you two can reach a better understanding, unless shes like this with everything

I have. She is upset because we haven't been over in a few weeks. So what do I do with that?

I mean I'm not really looking for advice, just venting mainly, but I'm not refusing it either
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I dunno man, I guess you can just try reassuring her that you not wanting to go isnt anything against her family or about her. But if this is one of the bigger hang ups in your relationship, its not the worst problem in the world, perhaps you just try to compromise more. But again, if this is a pattern of behavior in respect to other matters as well, thats different
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You have to visit her parents every week? The fuck?
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Someday you may need babysitters.
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Well not anymore, I just need to deal with us fighting all day Sunday if I don't!!
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time to move on, tc