Current Events > Gf has been pressuring me to propose

(+) Yeah! (+)

We've been together for 3 years. Living together for 2.

Marriage seems like such a weird concept to me, but I know I'm alone in this. I don't want her to feel like she's wasting her time.

Idk where I'm gonna get 3-5k for ring, and then another 15-20k for a wedding lol.
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tbh at this point you need to be real and have a discussion. if you dont want to get married you need to say something and see if your relationship will still continue, if you do then you should get on it.

worst thing you can do at this point is just keep stringing her along until shes X years old and has been dating you for a long time, asking when you'll propose and you saying "hmmmmm soon i hope" and basically wasting both of your time - her because she wants to get married & you because you could be with a girl that shares your views potentially.

if you have ring questions you can PM me or ask here because I bought one last year and know a few things, and for the wedding you dont have to spend 15 - 20k, thats a misconception. things can be done for much cheaper if you are willing to do more planning
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Don't do it, bro! It's a trap!
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A) If she's pressuring you into it, that's maybe something that should give you pause. I can't think of many good marriages that started with one partner pressuring the other

B) Weddings and rings are total shit. If you do decide to go ahead with it, ask about cost with your wife. For example, my better half detests most of the more elegant shit with marriage, so our rings are pretty much just simple (relatively inexpensive) gold bands, and our ceremony was confined to just family and close friends (and held at my uncle's cottage). All in all it ended up costing us next to nothing.
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You should know whether you want to marry her by now

but I agree that she should not be pressuring you. she has now forced the conversation though, you have to think real hard as this may be the make or break moment of your relationship
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First of all don't spend that fucking much on a ring. Secondly, you have to figure out if you're down to stay w her forever. You don't have to get married the day after you get engaged but you gotta mentally understand that commitment lol
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Maybe I need to do some searching. I love her, but maybe not enough if marriage isn't on my radar.
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Definitely accidentally put my foot in mouth several times last night
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I was going to say to wait until you were ready, but...

Living together for 2.
Marriage seems like such a weird concept to me,

Yeah, you either need to commit and marry her or end it.
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And let's not assume that marriage is the perfect and natural end state of any relationship. It's perfectly possible to want to be with someone and not marry them and you're not comfortable with the concept.
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I agree, I should know what I want by now.
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lww99 posted...

I agree, I should know what I want by now.

well, what DO you want
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I am. I want to be with her. Just don't know if I want to marry.
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>goes in massive debt for a stupid trinket, and a 1 day ceremony
>she then dumps you for tyrone/chad and you pay alimony your entire life

good goy, I needed the few extra tens of thousands for my gacha game obsession.

lww99 posted...

I am. I want to be with her. Just don't know if I want to marry.

then you have reached an impasse in your relationship. she wants to get married, you potentially do not. you guys need to talk about this honestly and there will be one of two outcomes, you break up because you want different things or you stay together and get married because you both want to. dont string her along for months or years dude, its not right to you and its not right to her
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why dont you want to get married, besides cost? You can do that for cheap, if needed

lww99 posted...

I am. I want to be with her. Just don't know if I want to marry.

why does she want to be married

what are your reservations about marriage

get specific

see if compromises can be made
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Sounds like you should break up with her. She's probably cheating on you with chad thundercock and wants to lock up her good little bobby beta boy so she has a reliable income
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Ilove4chan posted...

Sounds like you should break up with her. She's probably cheating on you with chad thundercock and wants to lock up her good little bobby beta boy so she has a reliable income

XD
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I'm seeing some people in this topic falling for the idea that marriage is the only way to really show you're committed to someone.

If you really are committed to them, why do you need a contract enforcing it?
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Every time you go out together, do a half-assed job tying your shoelaces so you're constantly kneeling down to fix them.

Here's the deal TC, I have been through this exact same thing.

Many women thing marriage is what solidifies a long term marriage, I don't expect you will change her mind about this.

You have been living with her for 2 years so I actually recommend getting married as long as you trust her 100%.

Also make it clear to her that while you will marry her, you don't plan to spend 10k on a wedding. It's going to be as cheap as possible and you are only going to get her a ring you can afford.

If you can persuade her to do so, go get a marriage contract and just sign it together w/o the big ceremony.
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Romulox28 posted...

tbh at this point you need to be real and have a discussion. if you dont want to get married you need to say something and see if your relationship will still continue, if you do then you should get on it.

worst thing you can do at this point is just keep stringing her along until shes X years old and has been dating you for a long time, asking when you'll propose and you saying "hmmmmm soon i hope" and basically wasting both of your time - her because she wants to get married & you because you could be with a girl that shares your views potentially.

if you have ring questions you can PM me or ask here because I bought one last year and know a few things, and for the wedding you dont have to spend 15 - 20k, thats a misconception. things can be done for much cheaper if you are willing to do more planning

This is a great answer, major respect to Romulox.

I want to say, though, if she wants to get married - why not propose to you?

I get that it's seen as a man's privilege or duty or whatever, but I think it's more in line with the tradition of proposal than asking a guy to propose first. In today's world, talking it through like Romulox suggested is a great way to do it, absolutely - but I wonder why asking someone to propose is more of a thing than proposing to the person you're asking in the first place.
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Not that I wanna get married in a court, but you can do that for literally like $100 if we were inclined to. A small wedding with anything decent will be thousands.
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I do joke with her about when she's gonna pop the question. But that will never happen. Women wait their entire lives to get proposed to, and eventually marry.
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You aren't wrong TC, I'm getting married September 23rd and went through the exact same situation you have.

Our marriage is being held at her parents house with direct family only (no grandparents even).

Then we are hosting a reception at our place open house style and expecting 100-130 people.

Even cutting most corners, are wedding is totaling around $5,000.

That said I had the same conversation with her, and she didn't want to get married in court so I settled for a small wedding done as cheaply as we were able.
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lww99 posted...

Marriage seems like such a weird concept to me, but I know I'm alone in this.

No you're not. Marriage is illogical.
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5k with doing the ceremony at a house?! Fuck we're doomed lol.
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lww99 posted...

Marriage seems like such a weird concept to me, but I know I'm alone in this. I don't want her to feel like she's wasting her time.

You're not, I think marriage is stupid and a waste of time myself. Females tend to grow up imagining their wedding to the perfect man though, so it's hard to convince them to just get married in court.

Even if you are successful, then you have to wonder if you convinced her to do something she will regret...
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lww99 posted...

5k with doing the ceremony at a house?! Fuck we're doomed lol.

roughly $2.5k for caterers who handle food, water, tea, lemonade, chairs, and tables (120 people estimate).

roughly $300 bucks for 2 kegs

roughly $1.2k for "professional pictures."

then $500 for the stupid cake and cupcakes "handled by professionals."

another $500 on misc stuff like decorations/flowers/etc...
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Any marriage that starts with voluntarily burning through all of the couple's financial assets won't end well.
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lww99 posted...

Not that I wanna get married in a court, but you can do that for literally like $100 if we were inclined to. A small wedding with anything decent will be thousands.

I got married at city hall and proposed with a ring I had inherited from a long lost relative.
If you want to do it on the cheap, you can.

I would check into your local laws about common-law relationships. What benefits does that status provide vs. a full marriage. At 2 years living together, you may already be considered common-law.

If your not sure you want to marry her DON'T DO IT, never let anyone pressure you into something this serious and life changing.

Have a serious discussion talk with her as to why she wants to get married, why she is suddenly trying to pressure you into it, and if you do get married will she want a bs expensive debt causing wedding or something small, affordable and intimate.

Do not waste good money on a stupid expensive engagement ring, there is no reason to break the bank on that bs.

@lww99
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I brought up some of the financial parts of it, even basically quoting some of your posts. Did not go well.
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lww99 posted...

I brought up some of the financial parts of it, even basically quoting some of your posts. Did not go well.

Uhh, did not go well in the fact that she is expecting MORE money to be spent on wedding stuff?

If so I would not agree to it till you guys work out the financial aspect. Or put the ball in her court and ask her how she plans to come up with the extra money for the wedding...

If she is expecting a $10,000 wedding and doesn't have a plan herself to help with that cost, that really needs to be figured out before you guys move forward.

You COULD do the engagement and prolong the wedding for an unknown amount of time...
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Its weird to me when one wants to get married when the other obviously doesn't. How does that person expect it to work when it all started from pressure?
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This is the time to re-examine your relationship.

What do YOU want from the relationship
What can you do to address her wants
Do you have your shit together - are you stable in everything you want... in what you can provide her

perhaps the relationship aint as good as it seems to be. She telling you to propose means maybe your prioroties need to be adjusted for her in your life. That kind of attention just cannot be dismissed and you gotta figure out where to go from here.

It sucks but if its what both of you want, you both are resourceful enough to make it happen.
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lww99 posted...

I brought up some of the financial parts of it, even basically quoting some of your posts. Did not go well.

is your plan to try and talk her out of wanting to get married? because that is a very bad idea lol
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Pull the ripcord.
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Romulox28 posted...

lww99 posted...

I brought up some of the financial parts of it, even basically quoting some of your posts. Did not go well.

is your plan to try and talk her out of wanting to get married? because that is a very bad idea lol

Romulox28 is right on in this post.

You won't and shouldn't talk her out of getting married, but you could try to talk her INTO going to court for marriage instead of a big wedding. Alternatively if that won't fly either, she is going to have to lower her expectations with the cost of the wedding ESPECIALLY if she expects you to pay for it.
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I'm not trying to talk her out of it. Just trying to convey one of my bigger hesitations about it.
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If you ignore it long enough they will give up or leave.
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TC's got a for sure thing that he is too scared to let go of, lol.

Tell your girl to hop off and not pressure you towards marriage, because that's not what you want. If she leaves, then oh well. She never loved you in the first place if she leaves just because you won't get married.
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One thing that may appease her is a long engagement...
Sometimes just having a ring is enough to satiate a women hellbent on getting married.

The biggest thing you need to make clear is the wedding is a long ways away, even if the engagement isn't. And the wedding is going to cost a small fortune, and she cannot just assume you will pay for it.

Tanoomba posted...

TC's got a for sure thing that he is too scared to let go of, lol.

Tell your girl to hop off and not pressure you towards marriage, because that's not what you want. If she leaves, then oh well. She never loved you in the first place if she leaves just because you won't get married.

I wish I could agree with this.

But marriage is WAY to important to some women, expecting them to never get married because you don't want to is just as selfish as the women expecting marriage. Truth be told, if you love the person and have been living together for years, then marriage is almost a certainty if it's important to either one in the relationship.

HOW you go about the marriage is where the discussion needs to be. NOT that you simply don't plan to get married.
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lww99 posted...

I brought up some of the financial parts of it, even basically quoting some of your posts. Did not go well.

Care to share any of the specifics? A lot of women want a wedding ceremony more than actually being married, want to play princess as an adult.

If she actually wants to be your wife a $100 ring and $2000 ceremony should be plenty.

(im 34 and still unmarried FWIW).
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Time to shit or get off the pot.
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JustMyOpinion posted...

lww99 posted...

I'm not trying to talk her out of it. Just trying to convey one of my bigger hesitations about it.

You sound like you're looking for excuses. Do you want to get married. Yes or no? Seems like therr shouldn't be this much hesitation after 3 years if you do.

Again, it's not that simple, logistics and finances (more so) come into this thought process. Being hesitant because of cost alone is NOT an "excuse to not get married."
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lww99 posted...

I'm not trying to talk her out of it. Just trying to convey one of my bigger hesitations about it.

eh that's kind of bullshit. i dont know your gf but most likely your girl doesnt want to get married because she just wants to have a giant super expensive party, she wants a lifelong commitment from her boyfriend.

saying the cost of the (optional) reception is too high isnt really a good reason to not get married imo. it's like saying you don't want to graduate from college because you don't want to have a grad party lol.

in two weeks i will be attending a wedding where the couple is getting married in a park and having their reception in a bar with homemade food. if you want the lifelong commitment aspect of marriage, you'll make the wedding work financially.

the question is, do you want that level of commitment? This is not something that you can negotiate, this is pretty much the most important area of compatibility that adult couples need to have
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Romulox28 posted...

lww99 posted...

I'm not trying to talk her out of it. Just trying to convey one of my bigger hesitations about it.

saying the cost of the (optional) reception is too high isnt really a good reason to not get married imo. it's like saying you don't want to graduate from college because you don't want to have a grad party lol.

Disagree, I WISH the reception was optional, but a lot of women want that as part of the whole marriage thing.

If she is willing to forgo the reception and sign some papers, then you ARE afraid of commitment.

On the other hand, if she is expecting a wedding bash with a reception it's not just a commitment issue. Now it becomes a finance issues and it clearly needs to be figured out before you just go ahead and get married.

Weddings are far more complicated then some people make them out to be.
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