Current Events > CYOA: You're a socially awkward superhero with no villains to fight.

(+) Yeah! (+)

B - 4
CB - 3

Close vote.

Glad to see so many familiar faces (Smidge, Vortex, Farquad, teepan, fire_bolt) still here even though I haven't done one of these in like 2+ years.
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Great to see you still doing CYOA too. Still funny as ever.
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HotLap posted...

Glad to see so many familiar faces (Smidge, Vortex, Farquad, teepan, fire_bolt) still here even though I haven't done one of these in like 2+ years.

I specifically tagged you in case something like this happened, but I pretty much remember your username by now anyway. Glad you decided to make a new one!
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B
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Your cyoas are some of the funniest things I've read on the internet. I've always regularly searched "cyoa" on this board in the hope you have something new, especially nowadays when CE is such a political shithole and very few people just want to make people laugh. So thank you for that.
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CB
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b

Vortex_of_Hope posted...

Great to see you still doing CYOA too. Still funny as ever.

LordFarquad1312 posted...

HotLap posted...

Glad to see so many familiar faces (Smidge, Vortex, Farquad, teepan, fire_bolt) still here even though I haven't done one of these in like 2+ years.

I specifically tagged you in case something like this happened, but I pretty much remember your username by now anyway. Glad you decided to make a new one!

SmidgeIsntBack posted...

Your cyoas are some of the funniest things I've read on the internet. I've always regularly searched "cyoa" on this board in the hope you have something new, especially nowadays when CE is such a political shithole and very few people just want to make people laugh. So thank you for that.

Thanks dudes. I love doing these for you guys, but it's hard to find time these days. I started writing these on CE when I was 16 I think and just turned 25. Had a lot more free time when I was 16 haha.

Update hopefully tomorrow.
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Bump to keep alive
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OH MY FUCKING GOD YOU'RE BACK


I LEGlT GASPED

cb
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Up
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Never saw your cyoas before but you have a new fan, your writing is hilarious.

C first then decide to do B after you're piss drunk.
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Writing an update now.
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yay!
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B) Listen to the police scanner in hopes of finding a juicy crime to stop.

The badly damaged Sloan Harbor office building grows smaller as you fly over the city. You can see several cruisers heading towards the direction you just took off from. Even though his marinara stained crotch was a distraction, Meatballs had a point. You weren't taking this hero thing very seriously. You walked into Sloan Harbor basically thinking Katie's problem was a joke. You didn't control your emotions and because of that, people got hurt and will probably lose their jobs. Although you didn't mean for it to happen, you're to blame for their pain and suffering, and that feeling sucks.

You land on top of an apartment building downtown. Your mother used to have an old police scanner that she'd listen to in her armchair for hours on end while she knit, read a book, or did other mom things. There were rarely ever any major crimes that were reported and even if there were, it wasn't like an episode of Cops where you could watch what happens. You could just listen to the patrol officer request another squad car for backup or say that they've apprehended a suspect and will be at the station soon. On most days, all that came through the scanner was the dispatch officer and the squad cars messing around like they had their own radio show. You asked your mother at one point, "Why do you listen to that thing all day when there are never any crimes reported?"
She smiled at you and said, "I listen to it all day because there are no crimes committed. It makes me feel great to live in a place so safe. If the scanner was chirping on and on about murder and gangbang all the time, I don't think I'd use it anymore. That'd be such a bummer to listen to, wouldn't it?"
"Mom, don't say gangbang."

Thanks to your mom, you memorized what channel the police broadcast on. You sit on the ledge of the building, put the tips of your thumb, pointer, and middle finger to your temple, and tune in to the static.
Not long after you tap into the channel, you hear, "We're gonna need more ambulances over here. Several injured, no fatalities so far, but we haven't finished going through the building yet."
The dispatch officer replies, "Any description of the suspect?"
"People here are saying it's some heavyset guy who did all this with a swing of his arms. A couple guys outside said he could fuckin' fly and shit?"
Oh right. You just accidentally committed corporate terrorism like five minutes ago, of course they're talking about you.

You listen to the officers describe you and the destruction you've wrought in greater detail while feeling increasingly guilty. After awhile your hear a door open behind and see a man in a grey t-shirt and flannel pajama pants walk out onto the roof. He gives you a friendly nod as he lights a cigarette. "My wife doesn't know I still smoke," he says. "So I have to come up here a few times a day."
"Believe me," you respond. "She knows."
"Why do you say that?" he asks.
You turn off the scanner in your head. It's all going to be about you for awhile anyways. "The smell's kind of hard to hide. I knew before you even lit that cigarette."
"If she knows, why hasn't she said anything?"
"Well, tell me this. How were you explaining just leaving your apartment for twenty minutes at a time?" you wonder.
"I'd tell her I was going for a walk or to the store or the post office. Something like that," he replies.
---

"And how'd you hide the smell when you got back?"
"I'd pop a mint or a stick of gum. Maybe put a little cologne on," he says. "But I haven't been doing that as much lately. I think she's just gradually gotten used to the stink over time. She's out of town right now, but I'm not dumb enough to smoke in the apartment."
You're not so sure about his level of intelligence. "So you spontaneously just go for a walk more than three times a day and would come back wearing cologne with a minty mouth? She probably thought you were having an affair," you tell him.
"Oh shit," he mutters.
"But when she figured out the truth, she was probably so relieved it wasn't an affair she just let you keep on smoking," you finish.
The man nods slowly. "Are you saying I could have an affair as long as my wife thinks I'm doing something much worse initially?"
You laugh. "Yeah I guess so, I don't know. Maybe."

The man sticks his cigarette in his mouth and extends his hand. "Jimmy."
You shake his hand. Jimmy has blue eyes and dark auburn hair that's parted on the left side. His beard appears to be freshly trimmed and looks to be a lighter shade of red than his head. "Hero," you tell him.
"Hiro?" he inquires, a little confused. "You look pretty white to be a Hiro."
You don't bother correcting him. "I get that a lot."
"You live in the building, Hiro?" Jimmy asks.
"Nope."
"You visiting someone here?"
"Nope."
"Then how'd you get on the roof?" Jimmy wonders aloud as he looks around and takes another puff of his cigarette.
"I jumped," you tell him.
"Y-you jumped up a five story building?" Jimmy stammers. "And now you're just sitting here, weirdly making creepily accurate assumptions about my wife and I?"
You calmly roll off the side of the building.
"OH MY GOD!" Jimmy shouts as he rushes to the edge and leans over to see you treading air, bringing yourself to a gentle landing on the pavement. You squat and launch yourself back up to the roof next to Jimmy in a single bound.

Jimmy's brain takes a moment to process his new reality. He seems to connect the dots. "Ah, Hero. Not Hiro-san."
"That was mildly racist, Jimmy."
"Is Hero really your superhero name? That's a little lazy and frankly uninspired. Is your supersuit a beige polo and a sensible pair of khakis you bought on clearance at TJ Maxx?" Jimmy ribs you.
"I haven't thought of a name to be honest," you admit. "And I just came from a place where people were calling me Pudding Man, so anything's better than that really."
Jimmy makes a strained effort to not look down at your stomach. "I can't- I don't... I uh- can't imagine where people would get that name from."
At least he tried. "Thanks, Jimmy."
"So what are you doing on the roof?" he tries to change the subject.
"Listening to a police scanner, trying to find some crime to stop," you tell him. "But all the chatter is unfortunately about me."
"Why's that?" Jimmy asks with a quizzical look.
"I kinda accidentally destroyed most of an office building on the edge of town, so now all the cops are mainly concerned with that," you reply.
"Interesting..." Jimmy takes a step back.
"What's interesting about it?" you demand.
Jimmy shrugs. "It's just I've uh, never met a superhero before. I just figured that heroes were like... good at their jobs, I guess?"
"Thanks, Jimmy," you say, thinking about rolling off the roof again. "By the way, I don't feel guilty about the office incident at all," you say sarcastically.
---

Jimmy puts his cigarette out and apologizes, "Oh, I'm sorry dude, I didn't mean it like that. Listen, if you promise not to accidentally destroy my apartment, I'll make you something to eat."
"That's nice man, but I don't know," you start.
"Hey, like I said, my wife's out of town," Jimmy cuts you off. "I don't have anyone to cook for. I've never met a hero before, let me cook you some breakfast."
"Breakfast? It's almost two in the afternoon," you inform him.
"Are you saying you don't want any eggs?" Jimmy asks.
"... Well yeah I could fuck with some eggs, sure," you confess.

You walk down to Jimmy's apartment and enter after him. You can tell his apartment definitely resembles one of a married person, even though there's the litter of a man who's been living on his own for a couple days scattered over it. He picks a flip phone up off his kitchen table and begins thumbing through it.
"A flip phone?" you ask, surprised. "Are you sure you're not having an affair?"
Jimmy laughs and answers, "Nah, I'm not. A few years ago I spent over fifty dollars on Candy Crush in a month. After that, my wife and I decided that maybe it was best for me to go back in time a little bit. Let me get to work on those eggs."

As Jimmy prepares a 2 PM breakfast, you move an empty pizza box from the couch to the coffee table and sit down. It looks like he was watching a Criminal Minds marathon before he went on the roof to smoke. The show was never really you or Mom's cup of tea, but you decide to changing the channel would be rude. Luckily, the eggs don't take too long and Jimmy calls you over to the kitchen.

He makes you each a plate of eggs with onions, peppers, and hot sauce in them. "So what's it like being a superhero?" he asks.
You can take a bite of eggs and say with a half-full mouth, "I don't really know yet, I've only been doing it a couple hours. So far, not great."
"You just started today? How long have you, uh... I dunno - been super?" he inquires.
"A little over a year now, I think."
"And you just started now?" he blurts out. "What have you been doing all this time?"
"Nothing really-" you begin as Jimmy's phone vibrates on the kitchen table.
Jimmy quickly flips it open and reads the message.
"You need to take that?" you ask him.
"Aaaah nah," Jimmy says as he finishes reading and flips his phone shut. "Just standard 'How is your day?' bullshit with the wife."
Happy to drive the attention away from your hero career, you say "Where's she off to today?"
"She is visiting her parents this week," Jimmy answers.
"Visiting her parents, eh? You know that's a textbook affair excuse," you suggest.
"That's true," he concedes. "But maybe she's only made it seem that way because she's actually smoking in secret too."
"Aww, that'd be romantic as fuck," you gush.
"I know, right?" Jimmy beams. "But for real, her parents are from the Houston area and she just went down to make sure everything was alright with them after the hurricane. Hey, that could be a good hero name for you."
"What, Harvey?" you guess.
"No, Hurricane," he corrects you.
"Eh, I don't know. That seems a little insensitive. And also more villain than hero," you say.
---

"In my defense, it seems you've been more villain than hero so far," Jimmy chides before realizing he may have upset you. "But I will digress to a different topic."
"Good," you whisper.
"How'd you get all super like?" he asks.
"That's not really a different topic, Jimmy. How'd you stay all normal like? Now that's a different topic," you declare.
"Well I have a 401k, I got married at 28, and I like to buy my cars used with a modest amount of miles on them. Normal's not great conversation," Jimmy states.
"It is for me," you shrug.
"Come on, you don't want to tell me?" Jimmy presses you.
You try not to roll your eyes in front of your host. "I was in a go-cart accident. My cart flipped over and I smashed my head off the pavement. When I healed, I had powers that I didn't have before, but I also had a nasty case of tourettes. The weirdest thing is, my ticks are only kept at bay with healthy dose of eggs every 36 hours. My last egg treatment was yesterday morning, so I was really lucky to meet you when I did."
Jimmy frowns. "Okay, fine. I get it. You don't have to tell me."
Worried you've offended your host, you tell him, "Look, it's nothing personal. It's not just you, I haven't told anybody about it. People probably think they want to know, but it's not really a happy story."
"Wouldn't it help to talk to someone about it?" Jimmy replies.
"Maybe. I'm not great at that though. Uuh, bathroom?" you ask.
"Yeah, down the hall," Jimmy points as his phone buzzes again.

As you close the door, you flick the scanner in your head back on, praying for a reason to leave. Jimmy's been kind to you, you don't want to blow him off with some half-assed excuse. Luckily, your prayers are answered as the scanner is ablaze with yells about a bank robbery in progress. Hostages have been taken. It's Memorial Bank just a few blocks from here.

You rush out of the bathroom and tell Jimmy as you head for the exit, "Hey thanks for the eggs man! Bank robbery is going down though, got to go!"
"Shit, hey sorry man! Don't go!" Jimmy calls after you as you close the door behind you. You sprint up to the roof and leap off towards Memorial Bank.

As you approach the bank you can see a couple cruisers outside, but no SWAT unit or anything yet. Most of the police are probably still down at Sloan Harbor.

What do you do?

A) Make your powers known to the officers at the scene and ask them what they want you to do.
B) Bust in there at full strength and try to take the robbers out.
C) Attempt to sneak into the bank and try to get yourself taken hostage.
D) Offer to act as communication between the two sides, but offer no immediate assistance.
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So I'm Kick-Ass basically?

Cee
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C
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C
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C
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C
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C
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Bump. C seems to be a clear favorite.
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Bump.
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C
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Bump
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Work's been pretty busy lately, I'll try to get you guys an update before the weekend.
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Up
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Care about this good topic, CE.
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SmidgeIsntBack posted...

Care about this good topic, CE.

I care!! Just waiting for an update from TC :)
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0AbsoluteZero0 posted...

SmidgeIsntBack posted...

Care about this good topic, CE.

I care!! Just waiting for an update from TC :)

I want to remember to keep this topic bumped but I've been playing a lot of Monster Hunter Stories.
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Vortex_of_Hope posted...

0AbsoluteZero0 posted...

SmidgeIsntBack posted...

Care about this good topic, CE.

I care!! Just waiting for an update from TC :)

I want to remember to keep this topic bumped but I've been playing a lot of Monster Hunter Stories.

Up
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Also still here
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Bump
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bump
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C) Attempt to sneak into the bank and try to get yourself taken hostage.

You come to a stop on a roof a few buildings away from the bank to plan your next move. You definitely don't want to jump in there with your lasers blazing and powerful wind arms flailing. You'll likely cause more collateral damage than you did at Sloan Harbor.

You probably shouldn't make yourself known to the police either, as your exact description was relayed to them after you destroyed an office earlier. You're the reason there's only two cruisers on site during an armed bank robbery where the suspects have taken hostages. Your sudden appearance at another crime scene would be suspicious at best.

You suppose you could act as a means of communication between the two parties. Both sides have guns that will tear apart their mortal flesh, but as a fleshy immortal their guns have no effect on you. However, you've never been great at relaying messages. Back in summer camp during a game of Telephone, Lisa Carlyle whispered in your ear, "Please get Chris, I'm injured", but you misheard her and relayed, "Please get this mime fingered," to Lindsey Hutchinson who looked justifiably horrified and signaled for you to repeat yourself. You again politely requested that Lindsey violate this mime, wherever he may be. Lindsey continued the Telephone train and every person who came after her looked terribly confused as they were told to please pleasure this mime until he was brought to a silent scream. As the whisper train got back around to the camp counselor, she rightfully wanted to know who turned this fun camp game into a quiet nightmare. The counselor went around the circle trying to find the culprit, and of course it was eventually revealed to be you. You were shocked, you really thought that's what Lisa said. When asked to explain yourself, you were so awkward and shy that you were literally unable to say a single word. When the campgoers saw you were unable to speak, they made the connection that maybe you were the mime and you just asked Lindsey Hutchinson to pop one up in ya. When your mom came to pick you up, you tried to tell her what happened, but you unfortunately used the phrase, "This case isn't so black and white", which both your mom and the camp counselors assumed was a mime pun.

That's how you spent a summer known as "The Buttplay Mime". The camp counselors did nothing to stop the nickname. So yeah... maybe don't act as a liaison between the two sides.

You're not really sure what your plan is as you leap across a couple rooftops and land at the backdoor of the bank. There's nobody around. Jesus, so much of the police force is occupied with you trying to kill a fly, they can't even create a perimeter around a bank that's currently being robbed.

You gently try the backdoor. It's locked. You pull your arm back to send the door flying inwards, but your mind flashes to all the people trapped in the cubicle pile at Sloan Harbor. Your mind flashes again and you see the backdoor of the bank exploding into thousands of pieces. One of the door shards flies straight into the abdomen of a hostage and she begins to bleed out on the floor. The man next to her tries to call for help but a door fragment has lodged itself in his windpipe. His duct taped hands meekly press against his throat. He doesn't know if he should pull the fragment out, he doesn't know if he can stop the bleeding, he doesn't know anything but fear as he slumps to the ground and reveals several more hostages behind him struggling to cope with fatal injuries from the door blast.
---

Your mind flashes once more. You see the backdoor has been caved inwards as it falls to ground with a loud thud. As you take a step into the bank, all the hostages turn to look at you. There's a sudden shout of, "The cops have breached!" and the hostages are promptly filled with bullets as they stare at you, their savior. You gasp and yank your arm back to your side.

You slump against the door and slide your ass down to the pavement. You're in way over your head. You have successfully done zero heroic things and through your incompetency, you've hurt several innocent people. You feel bad enough about the injuries at Sloan Harbor, but if you fuck this up people will die. You've never seen someone die before. You've seen a dead body, but you've never watched a person die in front of you because you were too stupid and reckless to save them. Christ, you're an awkward mess, you're not a hero. If you can't save them, could you live with that guilt? Rhetorical question, doesn't matter. You haven't found a way to die, you have to live with it. You can't help but think this unbridled power is wasted on a worthless sack of shit like you. Hell, it's more than wasted on you, it's dangerous inside you. You take a deep breath and hug your knees.

Sirens indicate more cruisers have arrived out front. You can hear them starting to shuffle around to the back to finally establish a perimeter. Your panic kicks into overdrive as you realize it's now or never. Once the police round the corner, you're going to have to leap away and once you do, there's no chance you'll get into the bank without being noticed. Of course if you don't leap away, that means you're going into the bank to try to save the hostages. Maybe you should let the police just do their job. Hell, maybe the gunmen are reasonable and they'll just let everyone go. But if they kill somebody and you could have done something to help them, that guilt will eat you alive too.

You suppose it comes down to who you trust more- yourself or other people? Well you're totally inexperienced in heroism and your confidence has plummeted through the floor... but you never gave yourself the nicknames Buttplay Mime and Pudding Man. Aw fuck it.

You look down at your shadow and snap your fingers. You face your palms to the ground and slowly move them forward as you watch your shadow creep under the door. You shadow continues to glide forward until its out of sight. You snap your fingers again and find yourself on the other side of the door.

You expect shouts and screams at the sudden appearance of a portly superhero in the middle of a nervous breakdown, but there's only silence. You're alone in the back office; it seems everyone was dragged out into the lobby. You crouch down and peer around a corner. The door between the back office and the lobby has been jarred open. You can see several hostages on the floor with their wrists and ankles taped together. You can't see the gunmen but you can hear one yelling.
"There wasn't supposed to be any fucking cops here, man!" the first voice shouts.
"There were only like two cruisers, we could have slipped them if Geno hadn't bitched out and driven away the second they showed up," a second voice responds.
"We shouldn't have had to slip anybody. No cops means no cops at all, not a few cops," the first argues.
"Geno's still a bitch though," the second remarks.
There's a slight pause before the first voice starts again. "Straight to voicemail again, this motherfucker better pick up his phone!"
"His phone's not off, man. It's destroyed," the second voice says. "He hung up the second you told him the cops showed up and it's been on voicemail ever since. That thing's in a million pieces."
"I swear to God, I'm going to blow his head off if I ever get out of here," the first voice promises. "First him, then Geno after that."
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The hostages look a little uneasy at the first gunman's mention of blowing someone's head off. You come up with a plan to get yourself into the room. It's probably the only plan someone with your skill set can fully commit to without it looking rehearsed or out of place. Total and complete ignorance.

You stroll out of the back office and over to the island in the middle of the lobby. You grab a withdrawal slip and begin to fill it out using a made up account number. A gunman wearing jeans, a green jacket and a ski mask spots you and screams, "Hey!" You recognize his as the second voice you heard.
You look up at him and fake a small jump. "Whoa! Is- is.. are you guys robbing the bank?" you stammer as you glance over at the hostages and exclaim, "Oh shit!"
A taller gunman similarly dressed but with a black jacket begins to stride over while pointing his gun at you. "Who are you? Where did you come from?" the first gunman demands.
"I... uh... I was shitting," you respond.
"Jerry! I thought you checked the bathrooms!" the first gunman exclaims as he turns to a third gunman who is leaning in a chair against the wall with his ski mask off. The third gunman is much shorter than the other two. He's fairly thin with messy brown hair, blue eyes, and soft features.
Jerry has unwrapped a bank lollipop and has about a dozen more in his lap. He shrugs and replies, "I knocked," before shoving the lollipop into his mouth.
"We're fucking robbing the place, Jerry. We're way past knocking. And put your fucking mask back on," the first gunman commands.
"They've already seen my face, Bryant," Jerry responds with attitude."Plus I don't want to get ski mask fuzz on my lolly."
"Can I go?" you chime in. "I got like a... I got like a thing I gotta get to."
Bryant grabs a roll of duct tape and instructs you, "Hands together, Shit Boy."
"Aww, I'm not so hot on Shit Boy, Bryant. At the very least I'm gonna push for Shit Man," you comment as Bryant tapes your wrists together.
"Go sit down over there with the others," Bryant commands you as he takes out a burner phone. "Jerry go tape his ankles together while I try to call this asshole again."
"He ain't answeriiiiiing," the remaining unnamed gunman sings.

You do as you're told and sit on the floor with the other terrified hostages. Some are shaking they're so nervous. Jerry walks over and kneels down. He unfurls some tape with one hand while holding his lollipop in the other. He looks around for a place to set down his snack as he restrains you.
"I got you," you tell him as you open your mouth.
Jerry hesitates for a moment before saying, "Eh, alright fine," and placing the lollipop in your mouth. It's lime flavored.
As Jerry is just about finished taping your ankles together, you crunch the lollipop, destroying the hard candy in your mouth for good.
Jerry looks up in shock as he hears the crunch. "Are you fucking kidding me?"
"I don't know long this is gonna take," you justify your actions. "Man's gotta eat."
"Your dumb ass is lucky I got a bunch of these," Jerry mutters as he walks back to his chair. "Fucking Shit Man."

What do you do?

A) Nothing. Let this play out between the cops and gunmen, only intervening if harm is going to come to the hostages.
B) Talk to the hostages around you.
C) Try to talk to the gunmen and try to learn more about them.
D) Use your powers to create a diversion.
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C
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C
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Fucking lost it at Buttplay Mime omg

Sure, C works for me
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C
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I'll go along with C.
We need a nemesis at some point
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fire_bolt posted...

Fucking lost it at Buttplay Mime omg

True story too. I mean, not for me but probably for somebody.
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HotLap posted...

LordFarquad1312 posted...

C.

Is there a place where your previous CYOAs are archived?

https://www.gamefaqs.com/boards/586631-aerial-assault

hahaha, muffin mai boy

edit: I lost it at summer camp

C
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D
d
@uwnim posted...

C

how do you do that without the uppercase error?
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Is this the plot for a 3rd Kickass movie?
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