LogFAQs > #979007294

Brooklyn
Dennis Hopper
Anya Taylor-Joy
Tumble (Mario Party 3): I actually kind of like the idea of each Mario Party having a new host. Too bad that they don't do that at all. Of the sixteen Mario Parties, two don't have hosts, and most of the rest just have Toad, Yellow Toad, Blue Toad, or Toadette, and even most of the ones who do have unique hosts also just have Toad. Like, for God's sake, MP7 has Toadsworth, who is clearly the best Toad-related host possible... and then he just never shows up again ever. It is completely bonkers. That said, Tumble it kind of gross. He has a Toad's face, except with wider eyes, no body, and a die for a hat instead of a mushroom. And like, I'm sorry, am I alone in thinking that his die hat should have been different numbers at different times depending on his mood? God, the last unique host we got was MC Ballyhoo in MP8, and that was in 2007. Am I being controversial by saying the best host is the Star Spirits in MP5? At least they're sort of unique.
Angry Sun
I'm a Chuckster
Captain Toad: What game was he first in, Mario Galaxy? Goddamn, I thought it was Mario Odyssey. Oh well. I never played his spinoff, so I can only judge his appearance in Galaxy. He's a fun mixup to the normal game, turning things into essentially a no-jumping perspective puzzle game. That's all he is, though. He's not blowing my mind or anything.
Do the Mario
Fireworks (End of Level)
Eely-Mouth: The idea of a giant hideous fish with gum disease that's leaking out into the water and causing pollution, and when you cure it, the level is cleared of the toxicity, is great. And it's super ugly, too. Like, so ugly. I think it's because of the teeth; fish with human-ish teeth always look hideous. It looks so much better and uglier than the eels in Majora's Mask. It's actually amazing that this guy only shows up once, like Mario reuses bosses all the time, but this one guy only shows up a single time. I assume it's because he's underwater, and they already had Gooper Blooper to cover that position. And yeah, the pun for Meely Mouthed doesn't make a ton of sense, since the boss isn't timid or evasive, but sure, I'll accept it.
Super Mario Bros Super Show
Kublai Khan
Tetris Attack
7 Grand Dad
Toaster
Super Mario Bros. 2
Backwards Long Jump
Chuckya
Reznor
Final Fantasy Characters (Mario Hoops 3-on-3)
Mouser

- Frog Suit Tier
Great Giana Sisters
Wall Kicks Will Work (Star)
Lou Albano
Practice Makes Perfect (Legacy X)
Toad (Character)
Blindfolded Mario Maker Guy
Dong Dong Never Die
Mario Bros.
Peach: Princess Peach is the most nothing character in all of video games, at least relative to how much screen time she gets. Sure, she's got more going no than Banon from FF6, I guess, but she's in roughly two-million video games, and he's only in one, and he's so unimportant that you don't even learn what happens to him after the world is destroyed. There is nothing to Peach at all. AT ALL. Even in like 2010, I saw people drawing her or playing her up as a video game sex symbol, and she isn't even that. The most I can say for Peach is that she's the ultimate video game "the Girl," you know what I mean? This character was born purely so that Mario could rescue her. How many jokes have been made about her being useless and getting kidnapped over and over again? Here's the thing: she deserves those jokes. Even Zelda at least like telepathically tells you what to do after she gets kidnapped most of the time. Even Zelda managed to chuck an ocarina into a drainage ditch. And yes, Peach is indeed playable in SMB2, but aside from that, it took until the 2010s for her to start showing up semi-consistently as a playable character in real games. Like, who has more playable appearances in the mainline games: Peach or Blue Toad? I don't even know. But I'll say this: I've played Mario Kart and Mario Party with multiple girls, and they always choose Peach or Daisy. Always, always. And in Smash? Peach, Zelda, or Kirby. If Peach's job as a character was to be a character for girls to choose in multiplayer games, then she definitely succeeded. I dunno. Sadly for Peach, she doesn't benefit from the RPGs as much as Bowser. Even though she gets to talk and display her personality more often, her personality is mostly just "good guy," so there's not a lot to do with her. She's fine in the RPGs, there's no problem with her, but she's not being a completely different, far superior character like Bowser, so she doesn't even have that. By far the best Peach appearance in existence is in the movie. Like, I recognize that Movie Peach is just a completely different person than Game Peach, that they have nothing in common at all as far as personality goes, but it doesn't matter at all, she's still the superior Peach. And she's not even that good! By the way, I see that I put Peach next to Pauline in the rankings, which was not intentional.
Pauline
Stanley the Bugman
Chill (Dr. Mario Theme)
Torpedo Ted
Monkey! (Dennis Hopper)
"It's a stone, Luigi. You didn't make it!": Jesus Christ, Luigi, you can't just throw a stone football directly into your brother's chest five feet away from him, that could break his ribs! I was going to say Luigi was in the wrong here, but I mean, Mario looks directly at what Luigi is carrying, sees that it's made of stone, and says Luigi can't make stone. And it's like, bro, you can clearly see that it's shaped like a football. It looks nothing like a stone you'd pick up off the ground. So I can only assume that Mario is super contemptuous of sculpting as an artform.
Dance Dance Revolution: Mario Mix
L is Real 2401
WarioWare
King Boo
New Super Mario Bros. (Series): I made a joke earlier about the word "soul" in relation to video games, but seriously, if you're looking for technical perfection in design matched only by utter soullessness and lack of imagination, there is no more masterfully-produced game than any of these. When I think of just generic Mario, I no longer think of SBM1, I think of these things. They feel like fake games, like I just imagined them by combining all of my experiences playing other Mario titles without even thinking. I have to believe that these cost nothing to make, too. I remember the first came in May 2006, right before I graduated high school, and while I've changed a bit since I was a teenager, my opinion of NSMB has stayed the same ever since. And yet, I know that if I'm some stupid 10-year-old who doesn't know anything about anything, NSMB probably is going to interest me more than an ancient game like SMB1, so I have to concede that there's at least some element of nostalgia involved. But at the same time, no one can possibly tell me that these games have any imagination to them whatsoever, so I don't feel too bad about ranking them poorly.