LogFAQs > #978259857

January 13th, 2024

Happy Woulda Been 34th Birthday Lindsay

Wouldas, Shouldas, and Couldas are a funny thing. Both a source of great learning and growth but also a source of stagnation and inability to move forward.

Lindsay would have been 34 years old today. She never liked her birthday, she didnt like aging. Makes sense given her health and the fact that she knew before anyone that she was going to deteriorate. She told me before that by the time she met me she already had a feeling that her best years health wise were behind her. She had already begun to see the effects of what we would know as being Ehlers Danlos and MCAS. Our first conversation happened after she arrived to class with crutches, having fractured her shin in a slip in the shower. She didnt even fall down, but she somehow fractured her shin from a slip in the shower. Her allergies had started to become worse, her heart was going through tachycardia. Another year older was another year of her body breaking down and succumbing more to these disorders, illnesses, conditions.

My wouldas, shouldas, and couldas all revolve around missed chances to experience what we could when she was still healthy enough to maybe do them. She loved going to San Antonio and wanted to go again. We shoulda done that. You dont anticipate your wife becoming so ill she cannot travel before she is 30 years old.

We never got officially married. We had it all planned out, made all the arrangements... and then she we had to travel to Edmonton for Lindsay to get a heart procedure. And we had to stay a couple extra weeks when the heart procedure went wrong and she needed to get a pacemaker. We arrived back home days before what would have been our wedding. We decided against having the wedding and never came back around to it. We coulda just went down to the courthouse, signed the documents there. We coulda done that.

And then today. It woulda been Lindsays birthday. We woulda invited over some friends to watch some TV, play some board games, video games, whatever it was. Despite how tired and weak she was, we woulda tried our best to celebrate despite her consternation. We woulda done that and we woulda have fun...

But she also woulda lamented not looking her best, not being able to be a better host for our friends. Not having been able to allow them to bring over food and drinks and all sorts of things because her MCAS would have caused her to have an allergic reaction. We woulda called the fun early so Lindsay could rest. None of us would have judged her for it, but Lindsay woulda.

Its almost been 6 months now since Lindsay passed. While I do at times lament those wouldas, couldas, shouldas... Im also reminded of what else woulda happened. More weakness, more allergic reactions, more liquid diets. Less visits with friends, less time spent doing what she loved and more time spent struggling to just eek out another day.

You dont get MAID just because you dont want to live. You get MAID because you are dying. And it shoulda been different. But that is what happened. And those wouldas, couldas, and shouldas? I strive to have them help me to live the life I want to moving forward, not trapping me in the past.