LogFAQs > #976247349

Come With Me If You Want To Live
Arnold's Accent: My brother-in-law is German. Once, I asked him, "Does Arnold Schwarzenegger sound normal when speaking in German?" He said "That's a great question," and immediately pulled up a clip of him speaking German on youtube. He then told me that no, he sounds equally insane. What I take from this is that Arnold cannot speak any language correctly, and that's sort of wonderful. I know that he has a super thick Austrian version of a redneck accent, and that no one outside of the German-speaking world understands those stereotypes, so to us, it's just the Arnold accent. And I think this is part of why Arnold had such success as an actor. It's not just his body, it's that his accent is so interminable that you can't tell how bad of an actor he is. It's that Arnold was, is, and forever will be a cartoon character come to life. This is part of why I think there will never be another Arnold, because you need to have a weird, unique look to you, a silly accent, a cartoonish aura about you, and an audience that is willing to engage non-ironically with the type of action scenes you can perform. The nearest Arnold equivalent is not the Rock, it's Jackie Chan. Jackie Chan is also a weird-looking foreign guy who came to America to do dumb action movies, then got bored in the 90s and transitioned to comedy (more successfully, in Jackie Chan's case). Arnold did "invincible muscle man," Jackie Chan did "invincible kung-fu man," both of them have very thick accents, neither of them can actually act, and both of them eventually turned into trash as far as their movies are concerned. So, whenever anyone says that "X is the next Arnold," they'll always be wrong. It's not even just that no one today has Arnold's specific qualities, because others do (the Rock basically does, minus the accent), it's that you just can't make movies with as little self-awareness anymore as they did in the 80s and 90s, and whenever anyone tries, it's always lame and bad.
Conan the Barbarian (Film): Again, this is one of the six Arnoldcore movies. I know nothing about the real Conan the Barbarian books, but I'm told that this changes everything about them, yet still somehow nails the atmosphere. Here's the thing about this movie. It's stupid. But it's so EPICALLY stupid. There is no other film in history, except Conan the Destroyer, that even comes close to what this film feels like. It's the grandest-scale story, with like these epic, complicated themes, and it's just the dumbest thing in the universe. Arnold looks like a barbarian, but whenever you need him to say words and emote and grapple with THEMES and CONCEPTS, he's like the worst actor ever. And that's part of what makes it so perfect, because the one context where having a big dumb guy try to understand complicated themes works is when he's supposed to be a literal barbarian. This also has the best Arnold villain, of course. Did you know they hired James Earl Jones to play Thulsa Doom because he's supposed to be from Atlantis, so they wanted an actor "who looked like no real ethnicity," and decided a black guy with blue eyes was their best bet? Like it's the most weirdly racist casting ever, but he completely nails the role. He's way better than Arnold, Arnold is at his best when he's cast against someone who contrasts him a lot, and James Earl Jones is such a more competent actor that it's wonderful. Arnold and a little kid, Arnold and Danny DeVito, Arnold and a sassy woman, Arnold and another sassy woman. That scene where Arnold is like "bro you killed my parents," and Doom just shrugs and is like "must've been when I was younger," god, so good. Every scene is amazing and has something insane. Arnold has sex with a witch who then turns into a ghost and is never mentioned again, Arnold beats up a camel, the king is angry that his daughter ran off and throws a knife into a table, Thulsa Doom is in an orgy and turns into a snake for no reason, Thulsa Doom wants to kill Arnold, so he takes a snake and turns it into a snake poison arrow and shoots his girlfriend. Even the sequence where Arnold goes from child to adult is insane, where a slaver takes him to spin a giant wheel for twenty years, and the kid pushes the wheel out of frame, and then the wheel comes back into frame and it's Arnold. This is like the dumb early 80s action version of a Tim Burton movie, where it's all about atmosphere and visuals, and nothing is meant to actually make any sense. And the ending! Where Arnold finally solves the riddle of steel and the riddle of flesh, and overcomes Thulsa Doom's mind games and just stabs him to death. Even when the movie is smart, it's still so epically stupid. Perfect in every way, and definitely one of the four greatest Arnold movies, interchangable in ranking with the others.
Predator
Total Recall
Ahnald Voice: To me, the Holy Trinity of movie voices to do with your friends are Arnold, Darth Vader, and Bane. They're all so stupid, and can fit any situation. Bane's a little harder to do than the others, though. It's funny, too, because if you actually watch Arnold movies post-Conan, his accent isn't THAT bad. Like, you can understand him. He never really goes RRRGHHGH or AGHHH like people make fun of him for. It's just the dichotomy between having the Arnold voice say things and the things themselves being said. The more serious or dumber the thing being said, the funnier it is to say it in Arnold's voice. So good, so perfect. I've said it many times before, but this contributes to Arnold's cartoonish demeanor, which is what makes it so important.

Hasta La Vista, Baby
Conan the Barbarian (Character): Again, I'm only counting the film version, not the book version. I understand that the book version is fairly clever and uses his wits a lot. The cleverest thing this version of Conan does is paint his face black to sneak into an orgy where nothing is black. Like, okay. Arnold is perfect for this type of movie, because he's fine as a big, intimidating scary man. He's perfect as Conan or the Terminator. But the very instant he has to speak, he becomes a cartoon. So, when Arnold just has to look off into the distance meaningfully, or look angry that his girlfriend is dead, or look contemplative when he's thinking about whether or not to attack Thulsa Doom for murdering his parents, or look shocked when Thulsa Doom is like "who now is your father if it is not me?", he can do that perfectly, because he doesn't have to say words. Like, Conan might be the most poorly-acted, best-acted, stupid and intelligent film character of all time. Again, I can't say enough good things about him.
Austria (Nation)
"Get to da Choppa!": One of Arnold's classic lines. It's different from most of his lines, which are either one-liners you say before or after a murder, or some kind of threat of violence. This and "come with me if you want to live" are his only lines where he's trying to save someone instead of murder them, and the latter doesn't even really count because it was originally said by Kyle Reese, so I think that might be why people remember this line, just because it's the only time where he's not murdering someone. It's not even that stupid a line, honestly? It's just funny because Arnold can't pronounce Rs at the ends of words.
Rainier Wolfcastle