LogFAQs > #976243622

Come With Me If You Want To Live
Predator: This is one of the main examples of Arnoldcore, those six definitive Arnold films that make 80s and 90s action what it is. In terms of actual quality as a real movie that you are supposed to take seriously, this ranks #2 in Arnoldcore, behind only a single other film. And it's weird, because this film really edges closer to comedy than most of the rest of Arnoldcore. The comedy in most of his good movies comes from the dichotomy of this cartoon character saying ridiculous things while invincibly murdering dozens of enemy soldiers or whatever, and this movie plays with that in an almost-meta way? To see my complaints about meta humor, look below for my write-up on Last Action Hero. I guess Predator just has the advantage of not being garbage, unlike LAH. It's such a cool concept, the idea of these invincible heroes effortlessly mowing down a million rebels in a jungle, being completely in their element and laughing and joking and just being action heroes, and then the very instant they encounter something they don't understand, all of the jokes stop and they all start getting massacred one-by-one. It's a slasher, it's sci-fi, it's a comedy, it's a horror, it's a ripoff of The Most Dangerous Game, it's everything. Predator is definitely the Arnoldcore movie with the most 'things' stuffed into it, and every second of the film is wonderful. This is incidentally the least female film Arnold was ever in, by the way. The one woman on the production staff had to drop out at the last moment for pregnancy reasons, so the only woman involved in the actress who just screams a lot. I think this adds to the movie, because it's basically a deconstruction of what it is to be a machismo action man. And if you asked me for my favorite Arnold moment ever, I don't know if I'd say it's the arm-wrestling contest with Dillon, but damn, it's close. This is just a perfect film in every way, 10/10.
Total Recall: This is not the most Arnold film ever, I'm sure we'll get to that later, but this is a top 4 Arnold film. My top 4 is basically all interchangable as far as their order, they're all mutually the best. When I was in high school, I had a teacher say "Total Recall is his best movie, because it's the only one with a real story and themes." While I disagree with the reasoning, this is... I don't know if it's his best film, but it's definitely what I'll call Arnoldcore. Arnold has six films from 1982-1991 that everyone on Earth must see, and then like five additional lesser films that are still worth watching, and then everything else can be ignored. This comes toward the end of Arnoldcore, but this has given the writers the maximum possible length of time to understand how to utilize their Arnold Schwarzenegger. I wouldn't call this his best-acted film, or his best film as an invincible action man. Instead, what Total Recall uniquely brings to the table is that it has an actual story with plot twists that make sense, characters who aren't all complete morons, and really cool sets. All other Arnoldcore films, besides Conan the Barbarian, are just set in the normal world, so it's Arnold in a bar, Arnold in a house, Arnold in a forest. Here? We've got Mars, we've futuristic cities, we've got evil laboratories, it's wonderful. This is also probably when Arnold first starts dipping his toe into the comedy pool, with scenes that are definitely playing fun with who he is, like dressing up as a fat woman with a robot head that explodes in a guard's hands, but he hasn't gone full-bore comedy yet and ruined himself. Holy crap, Twins was before Total Recall? I had no idea. I think the reason that Total Recall works as an actual story, as opposed to something lke Commando or Predator (I love them, but they aren't Shakespeare), is that it's based on a short story by a real author who actually cared about what he was doing, and then they gave it to Paul 'more blood' Verhoeven. Paul Verhoeven, man, he's like the director version of Arnold, some weird European man who made a series of good films in the 80s and 90s and then nosedived. God, the giant eyeballs as they suffocate on Mars, beating up an old lady and stealing the briefcase she was trying to steal, the super-gross psychics, the woman with three boobs, Arnold driving a drill into a guy and screaming SCREW YOU, is there anything this movie doesn't do perfectly? And yes, of course everyone loves the ending, where he's probably lobotomized.

Hasta La Vista, Baby
Austria (Nation): I have not been to Austria, but I have been to Germany, Czechia, Slovakia, and Hungary, all of which border it. I intend to visit it one day. Austria gave us Arnold, Sigmund Freud, Mozart, Schubert, Strauss, Erwin Schrodinger, Christoph Waltz... that's it, right? I'm not forgetting anyone important from Austria, I'm sure. I don't know, I've never been there, but it looks super nice. I'm sure it's at least as nice as Germany, and Germany is great. Landlocked, though. That sucks. I wonder what it's like to be from a tiny country, where if one person gets famous, then that's like the one representative of your country that anyone outside of it knows. I was thinking about that with Donald Trump's wife and Slovenia. I sure as hell can't name a single other Slovenian to ever live.
Rainier Wolfcastle: There have been many Arnold parodies over the years. This is the best one. He captures the accent, he captures the look, and he captures the stupidity. That's what defines Arnold, as opposed to other 80s stars like Van Damme or Stallone. Even at his most serious, Arnold is the dumbest thing in the world. He's such a cartoon character come to life, which is why he works perfectly in the Simpsons. They barely even changed him as a character, I love the clip where his partner dies and he's just not acting at all, it's very true to Arnold. One weird thing is that the main Wolfcastle joke film is McBain, where he plays a stupid cop in a cop movie, but like... was Arnold ever a cop in any of his films? I guess in Running Man, but this is more general 80s action tropes than staying true to the essence of Arnold. I do like, however, that his name is Irish, but he keeps the stupid accent. Very Arnold. I hate that the ending song to the movie is a James Bond parody, though. James Bond is like the opposite of the kind of films Arnold is known for.