I'm heading into work daily, I'm still putting in good work and everything like that. Emotionally, spiritually, logically, I feel I am prepared to be a widow, all things considered. I haven't seen my psychologist in a little bit now (I only get 500 dollars a year covered and each session is 200) but he really helped me to work through some shame and whatnot I had with some of my feelings.
It is true that I will lose the love of my life and that it will be devastating. It is true that will fundamentally change my life in negative and positive ways. It is OK to be ready to give up that care giver role that I have had to take on for the last five years or so. It is appropriate for me to prepare myself for what life is going to look like when my wife passes away (not if, when).
It is also true that I have been mourning the loss of who my wife was for some time. Not to say I do not love the woman she is, but her health conditions have changed the trajectory of who she would have become had that not been the case. I've been a primary care giver for a disabled wife for many years now and I've only in the past few months allowed myself to be comfortable discussing how difficult it has been on myself.
When I was seeing my psychologist last year I felt a lot of self hatred and shame for having any sort of negative feelings about the situation. I would always downplay how difficult it is to be in MY position by defaulting to how terrible it is for my wife to live it. I'm far more comfortable now in expressing how difficult it is to be a primary care giver for a disabled partner. This is not how I envisioned my mid to late 30's, and it can be true that it is both a burden, and a burden I choose to take on to help my partner complete her journey towards laying down her own burdens.
Both of those things can and ARE true, and it took a good amount of therapy for me to give myself the opportunity to express that and feel it.
I mourn daily the loss of an idealized future that we foresaw together. I mourn the loss of the person my wife and I wanted her to become as we aged together. I am a very strong person and for lack of a better, healthier word... I can take it. And I will until my wife gets MAID and is allowed to die with dignity.
What that will look like once we have approval on both sides? I have no idea. Focus on helping my wife cross the finish line. Celebrate an amazing dozen plus years together, mourn the loss of my wife and best friend, and then start the journey anew.
You're a great guy and devout husband. Hoping, praying the best for you. <3
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Is this reverse psychology? And if I ask, will you lie to me?