LogFAQs > #970414432

Sorry for storytime I'm feeling a little crappy.

So my mom bought me an Authentic Dodgers All-Star Jersey. Expensive($450). This should be great for me, right? Well, it isn't.

So these jerseys went on sale mid-July, fairly limited stock. I'd wanted one since the game was announced here in 2018. Well, they went on sale, my mom picks up on it first(I'm not a morning person), wakes me up in a panic to help buy jerseys for my cousins because no one in my family is computer literate enough to do internet transactions(Make sure its the right player on the back, create accounts to order, etc). She was buying ours too. In all this eventually I realize they are the replica jerseys(About a third cheaper). I really, really, really wanted the authentic, this was supposed to be something special and not a cheap knockoff. But I'm more than conditioned to not ask for anything and wasn't sure how to ask(I was fully prepared to buy my own prior). I didn't want to say I didn't want the jersey, and my mom was already paying for my cousins to go to the game for some reason($1000 apiece, x2).

I'll maybe get into this more here, but I'm always very privately annoyed at my parents when they make sure my cousins get things they want(And spend money for them). I lived my childhood basically conditioned to ask for nothing, expected to live dirt cheap. So I make what is one of the worst decisions in my life and stay quiet for a bit. The orders for the replicas were already in by the time I got any word in, long after the struggle to get orders for the rest of my family.

I wasn't even sure the orders were able to be cancelled. I sat on it, looked at the replicas, decided they'd be nice but I'd literally had my heart set on an authentic all-star jersey for almost 4 and a half years. I'd talked to so many people about how I'd had money just sitting there ready to purchase it when it became available. I researched to make sure the replicas could be cancelled and the authentics still orderable. They were, great. It takes some time to whip up the courage to ask, but I tell my mom that I really wanted the authentic even though it was a lot more expensive. Cancelled, ordered, done great.

Except it wasn't. MLB and their partner in Fanatics suck. My cousins and everyone else got their replicas, but weeks later my jersey never came. And eventually got an email saying my order could not be fulfilled and was cancelled. I was devastated, like, crying in bed devastated. I had been looking forward to having an all-star jersey for over 4 years more than anything and now I had nothing, couldn't even order a replica at this point either. Just completely hung out to dry. Anyone that delayed more than a few hours in ordering, cancelled. Yes, my fault for not speaking up, but this is where things get complicated.

Anyway, why does getting a jersey now suck? Well, the only authentic jerseys left are...blank. They have the team name on the front and nothing on the back. I had ordered a Kershaw jersey, hes a future hall of famer, those jerseys never go out of style. You can't wear a blank jersey, especially not the all-star variants. They all look exactly the same from the back, you can't tell at all what you are repping. They are only $20 less but significantly bland(And missing a patch that would signify all-star appearance number for the player). This becomes a big purchase that you basically can never take out of the closet.

As for old wounds, I mentioned this earlier, my parents basically raised me to have trouble spending money. When I was a young kid they had no money, but my grandparents did. But I was never allowed to ask for anything. I watched my cousins ask and get everything they wanted. Game consoles, cars, all sorts of whatever they wanted. Hell even going out for food I was pretty much trained to pick things on specials and just order a meal while my cousins would load up on appetizers and whatever. I was allowed to ask for reasonably priced things for Christmas and birthdays. My parents would spend bare minimum on me. This shit latches onto you. I still have a hard time spending anything. I irrationally worry about spending money and penny pinch. Anything not a necessity causes me a bit of agony to spend money on. Things that are a want, like say, a jersey, take a lot for me to feel comfortable buying. Even when they are the thing I wanted more than I've basically wanted anything in awhile.

Other part of this, my whole life, my parents liked to fake like they werent poor to others. They'd pay for meals when out to eat with others, they'd buy all my cousins all the shit they asked for when they were taking care of them(Fast food, etc, while I was trained to mostly eat at home). Nevermind that they were nicer to other peoples kids(I was expected to be perfect or else). As I got older my parents stopped being poor, but I was older(Say, 15+). But I always had little cousins, and I'd watch my parents buy them all sorts of shit(A couple of cousins would get things like handheld game consoles and shit on a whim). Yeah it made me fucking bitter. I still couldn't bring myself to ask for anything, what at that point felt like a lifetime of conditioning to not ask for shit doesn't go away. At this point I was trained to budget money I received for BDays and Christmas to fund my video games. But I still got and still get that feeling that is part jealousy part bitterness. Hell my parents spending money to send my cousins to the all-star game, even adjusting for inflation, is more than they ever spent on a single non-necessity for me(Okay, they did this once, but also for something I didn't ask for and something that brought them nostalgia for my childhood. It probably made them feel better than it made me feel. It mostly just made me feel uncomfortable that they spent that much money).

Look, I made peace with the fact I didn't get the jersey I had my damn heart set on. I didn't want a lesser one. I know it was my fault. I'm going to look at it and just remember it as the time I didn't get something that I really wanted. I don't think it can even be taken back. But it makes me real fucking bitter. I know why I am the way I am with money, I cant fucking change it. But also sometimes my parents try to make up for a shit childhood throwing things at me without bothering to know me. The money spent on the jersey could have been spent on something I really want that would have made me feel good. And I know it sounds a little selfish and stupid, but staring at the jersey in the bag just makes me feel shitty for being the way I am and regretful that I didn't get the thing I really wanted.