I went up to the hospital. The nurse who signed me in had a bit of a tone, and the nurse who saw me called a helpline because that's the extent to which she could help.
I started the call with concerns over my drinking, and that colored the whole conversation. Even when I explained that the drinking, while extremely problematic on its own and worthy of consideration, is folding into a much larger issue regarding my mental health. That I'm self-medicating, which is bad on its own, but which I'm doing in lieu of proper mental healthcare. I rattled off all the different ways I've been seeking help, I established that my mental health is deteriorating and I can't find help, and I'm concerned about my drinking in the face of a much larger crisis.
But the entire conversation was about drug and alcohol treatment. I guess that's my fault for leading with that. And that's the thing about the help I've been seeking: they can't help in any significant way, they're only going to be in contact with you for 30 minutes or less, so when they identify what they interpret as the main issue and filter the bulk of their care through that lens, it's going to be extremely hamfisted and weighted towards that one aspect of a larger problem. And that isn't helpful. It's a similar feeling of dismissal as when someone tells you to put on a happy face.
Alcohol and drug abuse is a significant problem that exacerbates mental health issues, and I understand why a healthcare professional would hear that and see the entire problem as a matter of drug and alcohol counselling. And it is a big problem that I want to tackle alongside my deteriorating mental health, and it is making things worse. By no means am I trying to downplay the negative effect of alcohol on this whole mess. But it is a factor in a much larger mess that I'm having trouble navigating. It is not the sole lens through which I should be treated.
This hospital trip was a total waste of time, but it's all I've got until Monday. That, or I could call as many hotlines as I can to vent about my issues. But I feel like it's going to run into the same problem where there's one problem that they feel the best equipped to handle, and the other components - whether they're more or less important than the one they picked - get neglected.
And I don't blame them necessarily. I understand that there's a significant limitation via the medium, there's a time constraint for services like Beyond Blue, and ultimately they're only ever going to be in your life for the duration of that call and there's only so much they can do.
Your hospital trip wasn't a waste of time. I am regularly deal with nurses who don't respect mental health issues especially alcoholism. It may be prudent to not lead with it even thigh you shouldn't have to hide it.
The level of suffering you've described is very concerning and warrants medical attention. Keep trying if you have health insurance. You have to advocate for yourself especially when dealing with shitty nurses