LogFAQs > #953923167

I've been going through a similar sort of wringer TC, not on the same level as you've gone through and with a much quicker gestation cycle, but I can relate to what you're saying due to the relief giving way into shame and despondency.

In my case, I confided in a friend of mine about a girl I liked for about a year - I decided I was gonna pursue her in June of last year, and that's when I started confiding in my friend. I admitted how I felt, she let me down easy - all good, so I started working to put that all out of my mind.

I started getting a weird third wheel vibe, so one night when we were walking home from hers - our main friend group lives in the same house, so we're always going up to hang out - I tell him if there's something going on between them, I'd appreciate being told so I can distance myself and lessen any pain that it would out me through. He told me nothing was up.

A couple months pass, during which I confide in him about how hard it is getting over her. I go up after being sick, and his arm's around her shoulders and they're cuddling under a blanket. Internally, I start freaking out - I'd accepted that she'd re-entered the dating world, but the thought of her with my friend was like the one most painful scenario imaginable, and I began to go downhill. Eventually I confronted him about it - the way I phrased it was "I'm not going to be made to feel like a third wheel any more". And he told me that she made a move on him and he was pursuing it.

Initially, I was relieved to know that I wasn't losing my mind. I came to terms with what happened. But the next day, the depression and anger and feelings of betrayal kicked in - the way he phrased it had me making excuses for him doing something that fucking sucked and hurt me, and that's when it sunk in that I had confided in him about this girl for an entire fucking year before this happened. It fucking sucked. I'm still angry at him, because I wouldn't have done the same thing to him if I was in his shoes.

Not really comparable to leaving your abuser, I know. But when I found out the truth, I was able to process the reality of the situation and come to terms that it was happening. I was genuinely okay for the rest of that day - I had beers with another friend and played pool, and I felt like I was on top of things.

I spent the next week after that in bed. I didn't leave the house the entire time. I was upset and confused, I was angry, and I didn't know how to process how I felt. I at least appreciated that he had told me about it, but the next day I realised I had to confront him for him to tell me - so who knows how long this would have played out behind my back if I hadn't spoken up - and I realised that I had taken on this mindset of being the better person when I felt like I had been wronged. So why the fuck do I have to be the better person? Fuck them.

It was the worst week in recent memory, and frankly I'm surprised and eternally grateful that it was only a week. I've gone through the same process in the past, and it's taken months of feeling like that before I've gotten better.

I don't mean to equate our situations, or like make this all about me. But I wanted to let you know the thing that helped me get over this.

Fuck everyone else's feelings, especially the people who've made you feel this bad. You need to make time for yourself. You're hurt and upset and you might feel like you're sinking - so you need to do whatever it takes to take care of yourself and make yourself feel better. Be selfish - be upset, let people know you're in pain, spread yourself over as much support as you can whether it be your online communities or your IRL support structure.

And don't worry about being selfish - when you're in a place where you feel like you can stand on your own two feet, then you can worry about feeling selfish and you can consider paying people back for being there when you needed them. Until then, take what you need for you to feel better.

That's not to say "take an ice cream from a little boy and cut the ribbon to his balloon so it flies away if that'll make you happy" - don't take more than other people can offer. But when you're in a spiral of depression and anger and shame, don't feel bad for relying on others and taking what you need to get back to a place of normalcy. You need time for YOU.

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One thing about the good guys that I've noticed: they always beg for mercy in the end.
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