I'm really hesitant to talk about it, largely because I haven't really been able to talk to anyone about it, at least not 1 on 1. I'm hoping talking about it like this will make it easier, but I don't know, I just know I need to say it.
About a month and a half ago, I tried to kill myself. I went out on a highway bridge overlooking the Susquehanna river late in the evening, with the intention of jumping, but when I was leaning over the rail, I hesitated. It was cold, dark and cars were flying by me across the bridge. In my hesitation, a cop saw me, and made me go with him to the hospital.
At the hospital, I was treated like shit by the ER staff. Locked in an empty room for hours on end, with the staff refusing to tell me anything about my situation. The physician saw me very briefly, immediately signed me over to be involuntarily committed to a mental institution without telling me or even presenting me with the option to sign in voluntarily. The nurse was hostile toward me, degrading me and insisting that whatever happens to me is my own fault (while also refusing to tell me what was actually happening).
I stayed in that room for hours, watching the wall. Eventually I was able to call my girlfriend, tell her where I was, and have her bring by my CPAP so I could sleep. Late at night a nurse came in, watching me sleep to make sure I didn't do anything overnight. I wasn't allowed to eat dinner that night or breakfast the next morning, or to take my prescribed anti-depressants the next morning. Then they shipped me off over two hours away, strapped to a gurney in the back of an ambulance. They dropped me off in a psychiatric center. I had to ask the staff there what city I was even in.
There's a lot I want to say about my experience there, so much that it's hard to even know where to start. I was allowed 2 10-minute phone calls per day, if I signed up early. I wasn't allowed to keep my shoes. It would be two days later when my case worker insisted they provide me with a change of clothes, as I was still wearing the 3-days dirty shirt and shorts I had been wearing. There were smoke breaks a few times a day, which was the only outside time allowed. But I didn't have shoes or a coat and it was mid-December, so I didn't take them often.
Most of the people there didn't really need a facility like that. Many were just young kids who needed help that that place certainly wasn't providing. A couple were elderly, needing nursing home level care, again requiring more than they were getting there. They were all good people.
The facility was useless. Many patients complained of almost never getting to actually see their therapists or case workers. Their "group therapy" was really just disinterested nurses reading questions off index cards. About half the time, they didn't even do that, and just skipped the scheduled sessions altogether. On my third day I met my case worker, a really nice woman who was the first person in a position of authority who'd been willing to listen to me since the situation started. She was confused why the hospital wouldn't give me the option of signing in voluntarily, and explained that because I was signed over involuntarily, I was required to stay there 5 days minimum. After 5 days, they could hold a court case to see if I needed to be there longer, but given that I was one of the most level-headed patients in the facility, she had no reason to believe that would happen. She gave me a bunch of papers on trying to get the commitment expunged from my criminal record, a process that I'm still working on.
On the fifth day, I was allowed to leave. I spent most of the day crying, despite not having done so the week I was there. They diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Adjustment Disorder, but didn't change my medication, as I was already scheduled to meet with my PCP about a week later (in regards to a new med I had just recently started).
The only people who knew about my situation were my girlfriend and her best friend [I'll call her E] (who only found out because we needed her help getting my car off the side of the highway). My work knew I was out for a "medical emergency" but didn't question it too much aside from asking if I was okay. It's hard to say how much they know, but if they knew more details, they never said. My family still doesn't know I was ever in the hospital, though I'm not close with most of them anyway.
Sometime next month I'm starting a group therapy thing over Zoom that I'm pretty hesitant about, but it's free, so I'm not turning it down, especially after receiving close to $6,000 in bills from the hospital and facility. Also meeting with a psychiatrist late next month. Been working on applying for medical assistance. By all means I make little enough and have enough bills to qualify, some I'm hoping everything works out there.
The hospital emailed me asking me to fill out a patient satisfaction survey. When I did, the Patient Representative Office called to apologize if their customer service wasn't satisfactory but also to firmly inform me that they did nothing wrong and acted completely appropriately. (Fun fact: there was another woman in my facility who, as it turned out, was ALSO being held in the hospital's ER the same night as me, and ALSO was kept in the dark and not informed of her rights).
I don't know what I really want to come from this post. Maybe nothing, I just need to actually be able to say it, in some way or another. I haven't been able to bring myself to talk to E since; the knowledge that she knows just kind of sits in the air heavy and makes me unable to speak to her. It's humiliating, and I don't want that to happen with anyone else. I'm hoping the more public forum makes up for that? idk
This isn't like a cry for pity and I don't want people worrying about me or feeling sorry for me, I'm just sick of holding this in. The experience eats at me, constantly sinking back into my thoughts. I'm sad, angry, scared, and just constantly exhausted.
I appreciate the people here for being some sort of an outlet. I've got quite a few close friends here, and a sense of community on top of that, and it's easy to take that for granted.
For the people on discord, I'd appreciate if this stays an "in here" thing; hence why I'm not saying it in group chats or anything of the nature.
If anyone has questions about anything, feel free to ask. Also feel free to say nothing; I won't take offense. This has been more a space to vent than anything else. Either way, thanks for reading.
This hits home with me. This is a HUGE problem with our mental healthcare system. The same sort of thing happened to my former wife. She was honest enough with me to tell me that she was feeling like she wouldnt make it through the weekend and so we took her to the emergency room because none of the specialists we called could see her for weeks. And they put her in a similar place at the hospital. I suspect they would have treated her far worse if she had been alone but both me and her brother were there and hes a cop. It made me very angry, she didnt need to be in a padded room with nothing in it, she needed better medication and someone to talk to who could help her through it.
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You look EXTREMELY immature when you announce that you're about to ignore someone. No one cares, including the person about to be ignored. Just FYI.