LogFAQs > #945925183

Arthur runs hard, one person in mind who can help him. Somebody with brains. Shit, I gave it away. It's Brain. Anyway, he runs to Brain's house. It's only a matter of time before they trace that DNA to him, Arthur Read, and arrest him for Mr. Ratburn's murder. Arthur reaches Brain's house and knocks furiously. Brain opens the door.

Brain: Hey, Arthur, what's the rush?

Arthur: Brain, I'm coming here because you're the only smart person I know. Plus you didn't rat me out all those times we did weed together back in second grade.

Brain: Some good times there.

Arthur: Can I come in? I'll explain everything, but the cops might see me out here.

Brain: Cops? Get in, you better explain this.

Arthur and Brain go up to Brain's room. Brain sits at his chair while Arthur paces and explains the story so far. After he finishes explaining, Brain sits for a while and thinks.

Brain: Hmm, so you're coming to me because you need some way to make it look like you didn't kill Ratburn. And judging by how you ended up here I'm guessing you want to put the blame on Buster.

Arthur: Yeah, pretty much.

Brain: Well, with that much DNA evidence on you, it's pretty damn hard. It looks like blaming it on Buster is a technical impossibility since they already have the body and you can't plant any evidence. But I have an idea...

Arthur: Run?

Brain: I know this police force like the back of my hand. When we used to get high together, I researched the entire police department to learn shifts, tactics, patrol routes, equipment, even the education and personalities of each officer.

Arthur: Pretty thorough.

Brain: How do you think we never got caught?

Arthur: What're you trying to say though?

Brain: The chief of police in this town is corrupt as fuck. He'll let prostitutes off if they blow him right. And bank robbers if they do the same.

Arthur: You want me to blow him?

Brain: Well, no, I was saying he's corrupt. He'll take bribes. So you just get some money to pay him off and he's your best friend.

Arthur: Money? I've got a twenty that I jacked from Ratburn when I killed him.

Brain: That won't do...I think you'll need to talk to Muffy.

Arthur: That bitch? Hell no, Brain. You know our history.

Brain: It's either that or jail.

Arthur: When you put it that way jail doesn't sound so bad...

Brain: Arthur!

Arthur: What was the idea you had before, about seducing him? I'll do that.

Brain: So rather than just talk to Muffy and patch things up you'll go and blow a fifty year old guy?

Arthur: Hey, you are smart.

Brain: He's straight, though. He won't take head from a dude.

Arthur: That's why I've got to disguise myself as a woman. You ever played Final Fantasy VII?

Brain: No.

Arthur: Good, then let me handle this.

Arthur gets and starts to leave. Brain tells him to stop but Arthur ignores him and walks out. Brain sighs.

Brain: What a dumbass.

***

Arthur walks around downtown Elwood City, looking for places he can buy womanly garments for under 20 bucks. He spots a gym, and remembering his FFVII experience, he goes in. Inside he finds two body builders doing squats. One randomly runs over.

Bodybuilder: MAN I LOVE DOING SQUATS I CHALLENGE YOU YOU WIN YOU GET SOMETHIN NICE!

Arthur: Shit, man, let's go!

The start doing squats. Arthur, even though he's never seriously worked out a single day in his pathetic 8-year-old life, manages to do more squats than a bodybuilder who can bench 250 and has been working out for about five years. No, I'm not bashing FFVII or anything. It's not like that when I played this I fully expected to get my ass kicked and instead wound up beating this guy. That didn't make me go WTF at all. True.

Anyway, Arthur kicks his ass 300 to 25 and gets a very nice wig for free. He puts it on and runs out to downtown Elwood City to find more womanly garments.

He comes upon a simple used clothing store. This might've made more sense than the gym, but who cares? He goes in and starts looking around on the racks, eventually finding a nice blue-sequined dress. He goes into the fitting room and combines it with his wig, studies himself in the mirror appreciatively.

Arthur: Hmm...no, this isn't working just yet. I need some make-up.

He checks the pricetage on the dress: $25.

Arthur: Dammit. Can't afford this.

He peeks out of the fitting room at the only cashier working, who's reading a magazine at the counter. Arthur slips out of the fitting room and crouches, makes his way slowly behind the counter and approaches the cashier from behind.

He comes out two minutes later donning the dress and wig, doing what he thinks is a "sexy stroll" and giving the infamous gun finger to passing guys, working his charm. It doesn't work.

Arthur: You wait 'til I get my make-up...

On the display window of the used clothing store is a giant splash of blood.