LogFAQs > #932818019

54. Michael Burnham
Captain, did I ever tell you about my adopted human sister Michael? She accidentally started that war you must have fought in, since youre thirty-four now and it was ten years ago, ended that same war just before the Klingons destroyed Earth (were talking minutes before), served on a mushroom-powered starship that could teleport, thus rendering the entire purpose of our modern ships null and void, established that Vulcan mind melds can cross interstellar distances for quick and undetectable communication, traveled to the Mirror Universe before us and saved the MULTIVERSE by destroying the Terran Empires throneship, redeemed a Klingon double agent by having sex with him, put the Klingon chancellor on the throne by giving her an iPad that can destroy their home planet, saved all sapient life in the galaxy from herself and her time-traveling mother, defeated a computer program thats probably meant to be the original Borg but the writers aborted that idea at the last second which just makes it awkward, helped me overcome the dyslexia I never told you I have, is responsible for me being your friend because her last words to me were to find someone unlike myself and get to know him, and also put up with me while I acted emotionally and completely out of character by hating her for twenty years because she said something mildly upsetting to me when I was eight. After she saved the Federation three times (five times, if you count saving the life of someone else who later saves the Federation), she traveled to the far future, so I helped cover up her existence so no one would ever learn about it. Thats easy to do when shes the daughter of a galaxy-famous diplomat like my father (who also hated me for life, except when she was around) and was so recognizable that ordinary people knew her face because shed started the war with the Klingons that killed thousands and yet almost defeated a space civilization with a population in the hundreds of billions. Now I know what youre wondering, and the answer is no, I dont know why she has a boy name. Spock

I roll my eyes at the Rey is a Mary Sue argument. She grew up as a junk scavenger, of course she knows about electronics and engines. She defeated Kylo Ren after he was already wounded. Im sure she learned more about sword fighting between movies. She does learn to wield the Force faster than Luke, but so what? When people say that Rey is a Mary Sue, I really dont care at all.

Now, let me tell you why Michael Burnham is a Mary Sue.

I KID, I KID.

Shes not guilty of that particular sin, but she is a poorly-written pile of fecal matter with a bad haircut.

I dont really want to spend this entire write-up complaining about Discovery, so to focus it just on Michael Burnham, here are her chief problems:
1. Shes extremely unlikeable. You could probably write this character to be sympathetic if you were good at your job, but shes always judgmental and making decisions that cause massive problems.
2. Season 1 is almost entirely from her perspective, which is a problem because shes so awful. Season 2 eases up on this, which is the only reason its better (Ill talk more about season 2 when we get to Pike and Spock). Season 2 understands that Michaels only possible use as a character is to be the discount Spock to someone elses discount Kirk. Let me say this here: Spock does not work alone. He does not work as the main character. He is exclusively a supporting character.
3. She feels nothing like a Starfleet character, although this is a broader problem for all of Discovery. Like can you imagine Kirk or Picard finding a planet of innocent brain-plants that send a signal to the Klingons and Federation to get everyone to negotiate, then saying The Klingons wont bother talking, so we need to set a trap to kill them all as fast as possible?

I think a writer said Vulcans are logical, humans are emotional, so a human raised by Vulcans should be super smart but prone to emotional outbursts and bad decisions. Thats not the worst idea, but Michael Burnhams Vulcanness extends only as far as knowing all science. Im going to let you in on a little secret about Vulcans: their defining character trait isnt their ability to say things like repolarize the antineutrino array by running a phased invertaron pulse. Its their ability to make logical deductions based on things the audience has seen and then explain it to their less smart human friends. Theres an episode of TOS where Kirk is like Spock, what is that thing, and Spock scans and is like No clue, dude, but its not a solid, liquid, or gas, which means it doesnt follow our universes physical rules, so its probably from another dimension. That ten second interaction has more Vulcanness in it than a thousand scenes of Michael doing super calculus in her head ever could.

If I dislike Burnham so much, you might ask, why is she so high? The answer to that is simple. I actually do like one thing about her. The only part of Discovery I like is the Mirror Universe part, because for two episodes its almost a real Star Trek. Everyone dresses up in gaudy Warhammer 40K cosplay, theres a throne made out of painted aluminum tubes, its great. Anyway, at the end, the Emperor (whos the alternate version of Michaels mentor whom she failed) is like Yo dude, let me just die, theres no point in going to your universe. Michael knows its not her Philippa Georgiou, but for reasons of emotion still identifies her as her and cant resist saving this genocidal tyrant in a misguided attempt to undo the mistake she made at the beginning of the show. Thats the one time I was actually interested in Michaels actions. Interesting me one time is more than Chakotay ever did, so she squeezes into the top of Bad Tier.

This is unrelated to Burnham, but whats the worst Star Trek Discovery quote? Choose from below.
1. I like science. Spock
2. Hamlet, **** yeah! Michael
3. This is the power of math, peopleeeeeeeeeeee! Tilly

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Not changing this sig until I decide to change this sig.
Started: July 6, 2005