LogFAQs > #927842106

wwinterj25 posted...

TaKun782 posted...

You have no idea what it's like man...

Elaborate.

Just got back from the doctor telling her about something I never once told a single soul in my entire life... and I guess now is the time to tell it here I suppose. Well, it pretty much all started when I was just 10 years old and I was sexually abused by my older brother once. Forced me to do oral on him... and god... I felt so numb when I was trying to explain this fucking shit to my doctor. But thankfully, she really does care about me. Even offered to do this for free if my insurance ever ran out, but anyways... I carried that secret ever since then. Throughout the years it wasn't helped that I was also bullied and harassed every single day of my life through 6th and 7th grade. Some older kid also tried to drown me once in a headlock. Older kids throwing my backpack into the garbage with shit all over it sometimes and I had to fish it out. This happened daily. They called me a (Obvious "F word" gay name I cant say due to TOS) and other common names. They fight me just because they didn't like me and I didn't do a single thing to anyone besides just being in my own world was all I wanted. I didn't even talk to anyone because I wasn't good with people.. I tried to tell someone about it, but he didn't give a shit. All I remember during that conversation was when he was playing around with his fucking pen... >_>

So I said fuck it... and finally got home schooled. BEST decision ever made by my parents cause they knew what was going on. I never been more happier in my life. Its true this has made me most isolated indeed.... but I feel more safe on the inside then out most of the time. I try to get out and do something like the movies and such, but I lived a much sheltered life style to where I cant stand being around a lot of people. And so...after 8 long years the crash finally happened to me... back in May of this year I felt this sudden urge getting closer that I wanted to kill myself because I couldn't take this shit anymore. I was having panic attacks every weekday before work. Racing thoughts of not just suicide, but imagine like an oncoming wave of countless thoughts from the past present and future all happening at the same time...its hard trying to turn that shit off man. Just trying and praying to just get at least maybe 2 hours of sleep at best. But that's not how it always worked out and one day I finally had enough... I got the short term disability leave.

And so here I am as of today. Still alive and maybe about 40 percent better. Am I doing at least a little better then I was when I was working my old job? Yeah, of course. I mean at least now I dont have to race against the clock every night to force myself to sleep just so that I can be able to function well at work. Thankfully that never got me fired and my boss knew there was something really serious going on health wise and he was a cool guy too. Anyways, as for now besides seeing my doc three times a week for one hour, taking vanefaxine for depression, and lorazapam for panic attacks which both help. Besides the fatigued sadly, eh... im doing ok though... at least I can say just say better then being dead anyhow. : /