LogFAQs > #914134249

"The remake that was not needed, absolutely nobody wanted, and smack dab in the middle of the worst era of modern cinema. Oh, this is gonna be great.
So the story is the astronaut crashlands in Ape China and Helena Bonham Carter in a monkey suit wants to fuck him and a human slave girl wants to fuck him too and there's an evil chimpanzee general who is like some 80's cartoon bad guy and after murdering each other for a while everybody just straight up forgets their centuries of bigotry and lives together in harmony then Leo travels to the past or maybe future and the movie's villain is Abraham Lincoln because that totally makes sense.
Jesus Christ, what as mess.
The apes are now all these abominable uncanny valley nightmares that call to mind either orcs or close relatives of Lord Voldemort, and are somehow less convincing than the special effects from 30 years ago.
Oh by the way, the humans can speak. Yes you read that correctly, the apeworld humans can not only form words, they can do so better than their monkey counterparts. The apes themselves seem like subhuman monsters who punctuate every sentence with weird growls, hisses and clicks, and seem barely in control of their animal instincts. Great job missing the whole fucking point of the first movie Timmy m'boy.
Burton shows no respect for the original, or even the slightest understanding of its message into the shriveled black-and-white neurons that make up his brain. Perhaps if he had spent less time dry humping skeletons and more time pondering what the first movie was trying to tell us, and what made it so great, we could have had something more than a generic action-adventure flick where people rise against their oppressors. Perhaps then we could have had a respectful and thoughtful film where the themes of the original were presented to a modern audience, rather than a movie that is closer to 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' with Donkey Kong characters than the great classic whose name it shares.
Chuck this steaming pile of apeshit onto the compost heap where it belongs." ~Karo

"This movie sucks. I'm a fan of Tim Burton, but outside of the Batman movies his series reboots are generally terrible and are best avoided and this movie is the poster child for that rule. Mark Wahlberg is here, wandering through the movie as cluelessly as he did in The Happening. There are also *good* actors in the movie, but that doesn't help much either thanks to the wildly disjointed screenplay, and the fact that most of them don't seem any more invested than Marky Mark (although Helena Bonham Carter is pretty good, at least). Charlton Heston gets a pointless cameo as a severely downgraded Zaius. This still probably would have ranked above some of the blander '70s sequels were it not for one of the most mind-fuckingly stupid twist endings of all time. This is only for die-hard fans of Tim Burton or the Apes series who're looking to check off the box and be able to say they've watched it. You damn dirty human is the low point of the franchise." ~KBM
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I'll just go back to gifs. Not like the winner was gonna click my topic.
https://imgur.com/SXyi7uX