LogFAQs > #886665662

well your current situation is shitty and it's going to probably be shitty for a while and it's going to feel shitty in different ways. It sucks to be the one that lags behind - it sounds like she wants out and you would be happy with things as they stand.

On her end, it's hard to figure out a way to dissolve the marriage. That's like a forever thing, a big deal, a government contract, wedding vows, maybe she changed her last name, etc. You guys grew apart and now she doesn't want kids. I guess I don't know which one followed the other, but, she either doesn't want your relationship and the kids thing is a way out. Or she doesn't want kids and it's why she grew distant. But, whatever.

In my situation, we tried counseling. And that can be excruciating when one person wants out. But it's useful to have relationship counseling in general, because you figure out a lot about what you want and how to figure out what someone else wants.

And as much as you might wanna work things out, if she's done... it's over. Trying to work things out will only drive resentment. It sucks for you, it sucks for her.

You're lucky you don't have a kid with her. I could probably fill 500 posts myself about getting divorced and having a kid. I suggest getting a mediator instead of lawyers, though a mediator will advise getting lawyers just to make sure everything in the agreement is good. Every shitty little disagreement in the divorce proceedings will dig up a whole lot of other emotional issues.

I'd also recommend a therapist. They can help with your dark thoughts and give you tools to succeed in future relationships.

Find friends that have gone through this, or groups online. It is useful to bounce ideas around and see what other people have done in their agreements, and how it worked out for them in practice. In your agreement, I would make sure everything is "testable". Anything based on discussions or notions can bite you in the ass. For instance, one couple agreed that they would recalculate child support if either person has a 10% change in salary. It didn't mention what the starting point is, so one person got 3 7% raises and the other wanted to recalculate, and it becomes a struggle.

I guess the next girl should probably be a rebound girl for you, that way some of your baggage gets left behind. If you watch porn every day, now's the time to stop.
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Donny: Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?
Walter: No, Donny. These men are cowards.