LogFAQs > #939034989

A story on why I believe that a platypus came to be:
a disgruntled egg-laying eagle with its nest overrun by a dense undergrowth, had managed to get caught in an area with no trees and heavy vegetation. As the eaglet had suffered chronic pain from a torn achilles tendon, he decided that no amount of pain would be worth the potential pain of escape and struggle to escape. Being that he was young, mild-mannered, with skills to be tried, he threw caution to the wind. "WHOOOOOO! Let's go home!" he cried, as he waddled towards the trees. But suddenly a reptile which he had not seen before, grabbed onto his tail and began dragging him towards a large bush. A quick check of the internet revealed a two-dimensional reptile featured prominently in many entertainment films and television shows, including Dr Who (A two-dimensional reptile waddles toward a three-dimensional protagonist, and the real villain is the two-dimensional protagonist. The same is true of my political hatchet-men: in the real world of Twenty-First-Century America, the real villain isn't liberals; it's the real-world sense of victimization that liberals and conservatives feel when their ideological opponents recognize the rightness of their cause and what it implies. But that's a subject for, methinks, another blog post). Picking up speed, he ran, down to the marshes, into a drain and into a feeding ground. Under the intense heat and humidity of an Alabama summer, he was struggling to survive. But nothing can save a helpless eaglet from his enemies!

Soon he was an impossible prey for his predators. Having taken everything from the first eaglet, tanned her hide and manufactured a suitable habitat, the reptile (a tortoise) came upon the second, and then the third, eaglets. Which were they? Who knew? But one thing was clearthe eaglets were going to be able to eat the eaglets. Or so the animal thought.

Once tanned, ready to lay eggs, the creature produced another companiona baby eaglet that was very ugly. And guess what? That baby eaglet was the first ichthyotherm, a creature that reproduces by laying eggs.

Oh, and that other animal also laid eggs. And hatched, and then lived a long and happy life. And the ichthyotherm lives, the egg-laying and ichthyosperm lived, and so did their offspring, for many generations.

Why, it took many, many generations before man stumbled upon ichthyospermia, because there were so many things to know. The best aphrodisiac, for instance, is a plesiosaur. It went from being an only a partial vitellus that opened the male. Not until half of it was found was it found that the other half was as wide as the end of a man's hand, and that it had, in the males, a pair of barbed tails. The udders were made to open, like the doors of a bath, which is why a ichthyosperm is considered a bath.

Man came upon it very naturally. And, as is the wont of Man, he could not stop short of the conclusion. That conclusion was the absurdity of the works and mixtures of the ancients, and the rest of the amusements of their tales. Man then sought out the species in the likeness of the animals. But the animals, in such things as we see, as a sort of heralds of their species, were fashioned and animated with such concurrence of parts and substances that the Creator could have had no other design, than to make them symmetrical and to confine them in proper temperaments; and it will not be superfluous to observe, that neither animals nor women were more adorned with the external and physical marks of existence, than were the forms of men, or birds and fishes.

So Man merged the eaglet and the reptile, and this produced the chimera of the monkey. And the chimera of the monkey, being not only more ridiculous, but also more absolutely ridiculous, was the object of all the scorn of the Greek, Hebrew and Roman poets.

And then man merged the chimera and the ichthyosperm, and this produced platypus, which his careful perceptions thus achieved so well. And from the fluid, thus put together, came all the varieties of the ducks and other aquatic birds. From the ichthyosperm, however, came no ducks at all; but the two little goblins in the water, the dreaded St. Germains, upon whom the Christian world here reproaches us. But the Platypus, our guide will tell you, is descended from a male human egg laid by a zoonosis; a birthing out of a defect. Of the effect of this birth upon its parents there is no need to speak. The eggs are instantly fertilised and set loose on the universe. That is what "in-vitro" fertilisation is. In truth, it is just like any other fertilisation process. An egg is tossed into a chemical incubator in the hope of not only making it into an embryo but of laying it on the well-lit side of the road to fertilisation.


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god is dumb
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