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Topic	Do you have a father in your life?
KogaSteelfang 10/17/19 4:35:41 PM #32:	He's still around. He's always been mean spirited, selfish, and controlling. He saw his family as tools to used and throw away when not needed. If we weren't actively benefitting him in some way, he was punishing us. He always needed things to be exactly how he wanted and we were to blame if things weren't. He hated me most though. I never really got a clear answer as to why. He did finally admit a few years ago that he abused me because it made him feel tough. So yeah, I was beaten, threatened with death, constantly told I was worthless and he wanted me dead just so he could feel tough. I was told almost daily how happy he'd be if he came home to find me dead, that he'd piss on my grave and dance as he left. He loved my brother though, he could do no wrong. He'd play with my brother, and take him out, and was always going on about how proud he was of him. Then he'd turn around get pushed that he saw I was in the same room as him and get threatened until I just went to my room. So naturally I became jealous of him being loved, and not me(mom was afraid to show me affection out if fear that he'd hurt her if she did). So I grew up being taught that I'm worthless, and that no one could ever care for me, and that I didn't even deserve that anyway and that I'd just grow old alone then die. So, yeah, not great. That's not even mentioning the worst things he's done, I won't ever say on here what it was, but it was bad and he should've been in prison. The other things like when literally tried to murder me I can talk about. He sometimes claims that I owe him my life because he gave me life, and allowed me to live. He uses that, and threats of violence against my dog and family to get me to do what he wants still. He's been treating me a bit better recently, since my brother got married and cut us all out of his life. That hurt my dad's feelings and in retaliation I became the default "favorite" for once. Sucks that I'm only being treated as a person as revenge against my brother, but it is what it is. It's no wonder I get so jealous seeing other people being loved, and feel so worthless myself. It's been deeply ingrained into my mind... The worst part is that so far he's been right. I haven't amounted to anything. I haven't found anyone who cares for me, and most likely won't. I am everything he said I was, and worse, and knowing that just makes everything seem pointless. --- Work in progress, please be patient. <cite>KogaSteelfang posted [p:928895184] in Do you hav... [t:78092220]...</cite> <quote>He's still around. He's always been mean spirited, selfish, and controlling. He saw his family as tools to used and throw away when not needed. If we weren't actively benefitting him in some way, he was punishing us. He always needed things to be exactly how he wanted and we were to blame if things weren't. He hated me most though. I never really got a clear answer as to why. He did finally admit a few years ago that he abused me because it made him feel tough. So yeah, I was beaten, threatened with death, constantly told I was worthless and he wanted me dead just so he could feel tough. I was told almost daily how happy he'd be if he came home to find me dead, that he'd piss on my grave and dance as he left. He loved my brother though, he could do no wrong. He'd play with my brother, and take him out, and was always going on about how proud he was of him. Then he'd turn around get pushed that he saw I was in the same room as him and get threatened until I just went to my room. So naturally I became jealous of him being loved, and not me(mom was afraid to show me affection out if fear that he'd hurt her if she did). So I grew up being taught that I'm worthless, and that no one could ever care for me, and that I didn't even deserve that anyway and that I'd just grow old alone then die. So, yeah, not great. That's not even mentioning the worst things he's done, I won't ever say on here what it was, but it was bad and he should've been in prison. The other things like when literally tried to murder me I can talk about. He sometimes claims that I owe him my life because he gave me life, and allowed me to live. He uses that, and threats of violence against my dog and family to get me to do what he wants still. He's been treating me a bit better recently, since my brother got married and cut us all out of his life. That hurt my dad's feelings and in retaliation I became the default "favorite" for once. Sucks that I'm only being treated as a person as revenge against my brother, but it is what it is. It's no wonder I get so jealous seeing other people being loved, and feel so worthless myself. It's been deeply ingrained into my mind... The worst part is that so far he's been right. I haven't amounted to anything. I haven't found anyone who cares for me, and most likely won't. I am everything he said I was, and worse, and knowing that just makes everything seem pointless. --- Work in progress, please be patient.</quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
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