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Topic	Lmao did Goggalor close his pretentious writing topic after his own was posted
AvantgardeAClue 05/14/18 8:02:57 PM #238:	I'm reading some passages and tbh I'd be thinking "did this dude have a word/page quota to hit" if this topic didn't exist. Take this one for instance: Somewhat devilishly I dabbled in intoxication, given to perversion of the mind and a fair ways past the point of caring to do anything about it. You could've said "I'm drinking tonight" and it would've told me the same thing. Hell it probably would've been more powerful from how nonchalant it was being said. How does one do something "devilishly" anyway? This is why adverbs are newbie bait. Somewhere on the river Acheron, I sold a part of my soul. It was fairpennny for a two, that is to say nice weather for a Tuesday, and I imparted upon the old man that lived near the isle a most curious visage, it stands to reason, for I was bloodied and bandaged so. My wounds were superficial but I must say, I really was very sad to see the blood there at all. What a fine thing, to live and die in dizzying excess. I Should be glad to say I did not suffer, though I may damn myself again through the lie. I was feeling a certain kind of way for a certain period of time and in no uncertain terms would I allow it to continue. I took the knife, I scratched the itch. Nothing of it besides the janitorial duties I bestowed on the clearly left me with any shame or regret, though the deed one I knew I would be ferried through Acheron. Elysium is for the meek and the mild, my brothers and sisters, and in no way did my curiosities lean towards either persuasion. Everything after the first sentence is called "helicopter hovering", you're flying around looking for a place to land your story but there's no landing zone because there's no focus. Is he spouting philosophy or is he trying to tell me his story? I'm not sure at this point. You see, the easiest way must be the best. That is surely it." Easy does it". "Take it easy". Sounds like you need to take your own advice tbh. Complex wording only works when the storytelling doesn't take a hit in the process. Most of your story's text can be retold in several fewer sentences, and that's not really a good thing. --- Sometimes I say things and I'm not voice acting. <cite>AvantgardeAClue posted [p:901347858] in Lmao did G... [t:76607222]...</cite> <quote>I'm reading some passages and tbh I'd be thinking "did this dude have a word/page quota to hit" if this topic didn't exist. Take this one for instance: Somewhat devilishly I dabbled in intoxication, given to perversion of the mind and a fair ways past the point of caring to do anything about it. You could've said "I'm drinking tonight" and it would've told me the same thing. Hell it probably would've been more powerful from how nonchalant it was being said. How does one do something "devilishly" anyway? This is why adverbs are newbie bait. Somewhere on the river Acheron, I sold a part of my soul. It was fairpennny for a two, that is to say nice weather for a Tuesday, and I imparted upon the old man that lived near the isle a most curious visage, it stands to reason, for I was bloodied and bandaged so. My wounds were superficial but I must say, I really was very sad to see the blood there at all. What a fine thing, to live and die in dizzying excess. I Should be glad to say I did not suffer, though I may damn myself again through the lie. I was feeling a certain kind of way for a certain period of time and in no uncertain terms would I allow it to continue. I took the knife, I scratched the itch. Nothing of it besides the janitorial duties I bestowed on the clearly left me with any shame or regret, though the deed one I knew I would be ferried through Acheron. Elysium is for the meek and the mild, my brothers and sisters, and in no way did my curiosities lean towards either persuasion. Everything after the first sentence is called "helicopter hovering", you're flying around looking for a place to land your story but there's no landing zone because there's no focus. Is he spouting philosophy or is he trying to tell me his story? I'm not sure at this point. You see, the easiest way must be the best. That is surely it." Easy does it". "Take it easy". Sounds like you need to take your own advice tbh. Complex wording only works when the storytelling doesn't take a hit in the process. Most of your story's text can be retold in several fewer sentences, and that's not really a good thing. --- Sometimes I say things and I'm not voice acting. </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
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