LogFAQs > #978553118

January 29th, 2024

Ive had a tough month. I think the first tough month since the summer. Tough enough that my colleagues were asking how I was doing. They were worried as I seemed a little... off. Distant, distracted, stuff like that. The hell of it is I didnt even recognize it was a tough month until they asked me and I nearly started to cry as I told them that it would have been Lindsays birthday in January. Between the first Christmas, New Years, and her birth date without her I guess it was bound to impact me a bit.

Im not going to beat myself up about it or anything like that. No point to being disappointed in being human. As soon as I told them what January meant for me and where my mind was they understood immediately why it was impacting me. I simultaneously miss her more and less this month and I think that also makes me just kinda sad in general. I did a lot of things in January that I simply couldnt have done when Lindsay was alive and I had fun doing them. Between just deciding after work one day to go to the movies, inviting some friends over for wrestling fun, eating out places that I couldnt have if Lindsay was still with me... the prospect of moving on as it were is liberating and terrifying.

You also feel a sense of guilt. Despite my every intention of moving on, meeting new people, exploring an entirely new side of life that I richly deserve, there will always be that tiny voice in my head that makes me feel bad for taking advantage of my newfound freedom. Its ridiculous since it is exactly what Lindsay wanted for me. How strange that trying to do exactly what she wanted me to do would leave me feeling so confused.

So then the question becomes what is it that I ultimately want. I cant deny that what I want is someone very similar to Lindsay but is healthy and able to be a partner to me to take on the world. I think that is where my conflicted feelings come from? When a relationship ends typically it is due to someone wanting something to change. Wanting something different from their partner, their situation, whatever it is. That was not the case with Lindsay passing away. The only thing I wanted different was for her to be healthier so we could have more time together and she wanted the same. It was a very successful relationship that ended due only to the passing of one of the people in it.

As for it being a tough month, Im gonna assume that the big anniversaries will always be tough. Thankfully my tough was just some poor dietary choices, a little lack of self motivation, and not being as focused at work. I should count myself fortunate that is as far as my tough times get. Again to just add more confusion to it all, Im also proud of myself that all the hard work Ive done has allowed my bad month to be as calm as all that. Its been a month where I wasnt as strong as I would have liked to be and I wasnt as weak as I feared I could be. I think identifying that it was a bad month for me and moving forward has allowed me to get back on my feet and work a little harder to be who I know I can be.

She would be very proud of how Im doing so far. I imagine she would grab my hand in hers, pull me into a warm hug, and ask me why I expect so much from myself. She would pull a me and tell me to take the personal out of it. If I had a client, a friend, or just some random stranger going through what I am going through, would I expect them to just be good all the time? Of course not, that is a ridiculous notion.

Youre allowed to have more difficult times. Youre allowed to bend and not break. Youre allowed to feel, to be confused, to struggle a little. Its all OK. She would kiss me on the forehead and tell me it is all OK. Its all OK Jeff. Youll be alright even when youre not alright.