LogFAQs > #977938163

There was tons of brightness for sure. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were amazingly fun. I love spending time with my family and seeing the nieces and nephews open presents and play and then tucker out as the day goes on is just wonderful.

Not being able to share that with Lindsay is a kick in the pants and made me sad. At times I forget that she was dying. It wasn't like she just decided to "give up". Yes she used MAID but also you don't get to use MAID if doctors don't agree with the fact that like... yeah, you're dying and what you're living through is not good. It's a greedy feeling that you wanted them to give you more. When I hit my birthday the week after she passed I was like, "If only you could have made it until after my birthday..."

Then I felt that again here on Christmas. I suspect it is a very common feeling regardless of when, how, and why your partner passes away. A shameful bitterness that they left. I think it's natural, I think it's common, I think it is just going to be something that you feel from time to time.

At least I'm in the place where I don't beat myself up for them too much, I let myself feel my feelings, later when I'm feeling more in a place to break down those feelings I do that, and I move on with my life in a more positive headspace.