LogFAQs > #977933540

December 25th, 2023

I miss you tonight more than I have in a long time.

Spending Christmas Eve and Day with my family was amazing fun. It was filled with love and excitement and support and just so much fun. As I drove away from my brothers home alone in my vehicle, to my home alone... I broke into tears. For the first time in a dozen years I return home alone. Typically this time would be spent sharing stories of our experiences together and separate in the wonderful home of my brother and his family. Games played with nieces and nephews, conversations with siblings and parents, the laughs both shared and had apart from one another. We would drive away from Christmas hand-in-hand, exhausted but the kind of exhausted that is all about creating new, meaningful memories with people who love and support us.

My siblings all have their own families to share in these experiences with. Sharing the memories, sharing the love and support. My family, Lindsay, is gone. Most days Im alright with that. Im rational about it; I will find someone else I want to share my life with, to become family just as much as Lindsay was. But Christmas Day? Returning to my home alone, with nobody to share these stories and experiences with? It hurts.

Its scary, its sad, its confusing, its devastating. Its been a long time since Ive been both this happy and this soul-crushingly sad all in the same day. Its nights like this that I just dont know how I can handle all this, how this doesnt just defeat me everyday. Its times like this I understand why my family and friends all tell me how proud they are of me, how shocked they are at how positive I am, how Im not like... this, more often.

Its nights like tonight that I harbour the slightest bit of resentment, the slightest bit of entitlement, the slightest bit of anger. I didnt want you to leave me alone for even the small stuff Lindsay, much less Christmas Day. The greedy part of me resents that you left me alone, you left me behind. You brought me the greatest joys Ive ever felt and then you took them away before it was time.

I know thats not true. I know you did everything you could. I know Im being petty, selfish, entitled. Im hurt to spend the first Christmas alone since the day I met you. And I feel so much shame for how I feel. You could have given me 10 more Christmas Days and I would have wanted one more. I wanted us to grow old together and it scares and infuriates me that we didnt get that chance. But that isnt the fault of you or I. So I will rage and cry to an unfair world tonight and start tomorrow fresh.