LogFAQs > #977185103

November 12th, 2023

I want what we had, but with someone healthy who can take on the world with me. Its what I want and what I deserve and yet I still feel so guilty for having those feelings. I dont regret having been with my wife, the time we spent together, taking on the role of a caregiver for so long. I have no regrets in that decision and the wonderful time we did get to spend together. Saying I want someone new in my life to fill that role but in a different way... does that mock the memory of Lindsay? I want what we had but better.

Am I setting myself up for failure? Id like to think Im capable of seeing someone for themselves, treasuring what they bring to me in terms of a relationship. How they are similar to Lindsay and how they are different are both going to be huge elements to how I move forward with my next relationship. Am I greedy? Should I be greedy? Is it OK for me to be greedy and want it all? Because I do. I want the best things that Lindsay brought to our relationship and more. I dont want to have to take care of my partner in that way, not for a long time anyways. I want us to be true partners.

But that isnt to say Lindsay and I were not partners. We were and we offered each other so much more than the dynamic of my caregiving for her. She challenged me to be a better person. She helped me grow into a more considerate person, and gave me reason to try my hardest every day. Even in the things we loved together she was always critical; always looking for things to improve. We completed one another in the things that we lacked. I was always a little lackadaisical while she worked too hard at things. I was very calm and chill, she was proactive and always attentive to her surroundings. I was always content with the state of things, while she was always wanting things to be better. She was altruistic and wanted to help others, while all I wanted to do was help her and by extension, us, so to speak.

I spent years worrying only about her. Her health, her financial well-being, her happiness. That was my aim, my goal, my passion in life. It made me happy to make her happy, to provide that for her. She deserved that and so much more. I want to provide happiness for a new woman in my life. A happiness that is not contingent on failing health and a certain level of acceptability. I want us to take on the world together. I want us to travel, to be free to explore the city we live in, the province we live in, the world around us, if we want. I want us to work towards a common goal, buy a home together. I want to help her achieve all her dreams and she can help me achieve mine.

All of this excites me but it also fills me with guilt. I dont hold it against Lindsay that she could not provide some of these things for me. It was through no fault of anyone that our life together meant sacrifices were made by both of us. Thats what part of life together is... sacrificing for one another. Lindsay told me repeatedly as her life was coming to an end that she wanted all these things for me too. She apologized for her lot in life and what it meant for me. She WANTS me to achieve wonderful things with someone who is worthy of me. She stressed that point. Someone who is worthy of me.

What is worthy? What does that mean and why do I cling to that idea so much? I want to honor the hopes and wishes my wife had for me almost more-so for her than I do for myself. That cant be exactly healthy, can it? Except honoring that wish, to find someone worthy of what I provide in a relationship will ultimately lead me to great happiness. I think that is what Lindsay meant. Not someone who is going to bring me wealth and prosperity, though that is always a nice goal to work towards. Someone who makes me happy. Lindsay made me happy despite all the things she could not provide to me.

So maybe I need to stop overthinking it all and just listen to my heart. It led me to Lindsay and eleven and a half wonderful years. It will lead me to more Im sure of it and I want it as soon as possible. Im scared that I will never find it again, that it will never match up to what I had. I hear Lindsays laughter at this fear. What did you have Jeff? You had a wife who was dying a little more every day. She cost you a little more every day. More money, more time, for less and less every day. Its not gonna be hard to find someone else who can match up to what I had to offer...

Cold hard logic was never my forte when it came to love honey, and I think you loved that about me. I hope my next love loves that about me too.