LogFAQs > #976280098

I'm Going to Kill You Last
Schwarzenegger-Stallone Rivalry: Everyone always compares them, but I don't really think they make the same type of movie? Yes, they're both big muscular guys who can't speak English properly, but Arnold's movies are usually either sci-fi or comedy, and Stallone's are usually sports or straight action. Like, I can't really compare Commando and Rambo, they're just completely different things... but if we ARE comparing them, then there's no comparison. This is the most one-sided rivalry ever. Arnold completely blows Stallone out of the water in every way, both as an actor and in terms of the films he makes. The only film Stallone has that compares to Arnold's best is Demolition Man, which, yes, it's amazing, but it's all he's got. Like I said, the correct analogy is Jackie Chan, and even that isn't really correct. You need a big action star who's primarily remembered for sci-fi action, which is like... maybe Tom Cruise? I'll say this, Tom Cruise's movies are generally better than Stallone's. As I write this, I saw Expendables 4 yesterday, and it was ass. Just to be clear, though, Stallone probably actually does have more 'good' movies than Arnold, but they're mostly Rockies and Rambos, which don't appeal to me personally like sci-fi shlock.
Dolph Lundgren
Dutch (Aliens vs Predator Arcade Game): lol at this version of Dutch. It looks nothing like Arnold at all, despite the guy being the size of a truck. I like how he has more power than the Predator, which directly contradicts the film. Alien vs Predator is such a waste of a franchise concept. It's so hard to get crossovers made, and AvP is such a waste and so awful. I'm sure some comic does it well, but as far as films go, god. Total trash.
Last Action Hero
The Last Stand (2013)
Predator (NES)
Termination: Salvation: This is the odd one out for the franchise, the only one that's not about a robot going back in time to kill you and another person trying to stop it. I'll give it credit for trying to do something different: instead, it's about the robot war that Kyle Reese mentioned. So, you think this stars John Connor, right? Nope. Instead, it stars Random Guy, who just sort of meets John Connor. It's also comical how the movie barely features John's wife, who was built up to be as important as him. I haven't watched this movie since it came out, but if I recall correctly, she spends the whole movie pregnant and doing nothing? They couldn't even get Arnold to be in it. Instead, they CGI his face onto a robot for four seconds, then it explodes and turns into a metal skeleton again. The most important part of the movie, in case you don't know, is the original ending. The original concept for this movie was that John Connor dies, and Random Guy gets plastic surgery to look like him and lead the Resistance so no one will be demoralized or whatever. At the last second, the producers got cold feet, and rewrote it so Random Guy says "John Connor will die, so cut my heart out of my chest and put it in his to save him or whatever," which makes the entire concept of the movie starring Random Guy instead of John Connor pointless. Imagine if they'd known where the movies would go after this. John somehow manages to die three times in two movies after this point, which is kind of amazing. And like... I think I'm going to say it. I hate to do this, but I have to. This is... the third best Terminator film. It's garbage and shouldn't be watched, but it is still better than 3, 5, and 6.
Japanese Arnold Commercial
Mortal Kombat
Come with Me if You Want to Lift Shirt
The Expendables 1
Escape Plan
The New Celebrity Apprentice
Austrian Death Machine

To HELL With You!
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Jingle All the Way
Termination: Genisys: This is definitely the stupidest Terminator film. It's not close, too. This is the point where it's officially sad that Arnold is still trying to be an action star, this is the point where the inside references officially become too much, and this is the point where they hire just the worst actors ever. Emilia Clarke plays Sarah Connor, and like, I already complained about her earlier, but she has a very tiny range. I believe Linda Hamilton as a badass soldier girl, I do not believe Emilia Clarke. She's 5'2", she has the musculature of an elementary school student, and she can't act at all. There should never be a point in your action movie where I think "I could beat this person up." So, if you don't know the plot of this movie, Kyle Reese (played by an actor who looks and sounds nothing like Michael Biehn) goes back in time to Terminator 1, but at the last second as he climbs into the time machine, John Connor is killed by the T-5000, which is played by the guy from Doctor Who, who is the human embodiment of Skynet that survived Skynet's destruction. And right off the bat, anyone who thinks "we need a human embodiment of Skynet for the heroes to have witty banter against" is stupid. The scariness of Skynet is that it's an emotionless, impersonal computer that made an emotionless judgment call that humans are dangerous and should be wiped out, and that it's sort of correct. Arnold in the first movie does not banter, does not do anything, he just has as mission and is super direct at all times. Remember when he calls the hotel he knows Sarah is in, and just immediately says "GIVE ME YOUR ADDRESS?" So good. So, right off the bat, the movie ruined, and it hasn't even started. Kyle Reese lands in the past, but it's been altered, and he quickly learns that Skynet sent ANOTHER Terminator to kill Sarah as a child (even though it didn't know where Sarah lived in the first movie), but someone else sent Arnold back to protect her, which he's done since she was a child. You might wonder who that someone else is, but it's never explained. It was sequel bait for a movie that was never made. So, Kyle is like "what do we do now," and Arnold is like "I built a time machine that goes forward in time, climb into it so you can go to 2016 so we don't have to deal with a period piece set in the 80s," and they do, only to learn that John Connor also came back in time and is now a robot serving Skynet, and seeing Emilia Clarke try to act motherly toward an actor who is in his 40s is just comical. John Connor says "I have built a phone app that does ??? and is installed on a billion cell phones, but it's really a backdoor for Skynet to get into your phones and take over the world... by taking over your cell phones." Then the heroes resolve everything by building bombs, which is the only skill they possess that isn't shooting guns. It's mind-boggling how stupid and bad this movie is, and it's STILL not the worst Terminator film. This is also the start of the movies attempting to sideline John Connor. Someone clearly realized that Sarah Connor is the interesting character, so what do you do? They turn John into a villain, I guess. Why not? Why not just have Skynet always survive, always send more robots into the past? That is Skynet's only move, is sending assassin robots into the past, and when that inevitably fails, it just sends extra assassin robots into the further past. Like, this movie tries to have emotional moments by having the assassin robot be John Connor trying to kill his mother, and both of them feeling conflicted about it, but the context of this is just so outrageously stupid that it's impossible to see it as anything but comical.
Pumping Up with Hans & Franz (SNL)
Conan O'Brien's Arnold via Satellite Skits
Mr. Freeze