LogFAQs > #976259466

I'm Going to Kill You Last
Dolph Lundgren
Last Action Hero
The Last Stand (2013)
Predator (NES)
Japanese Arnold Film
Mortal Kombat
Come with Me if You Want to Lift Shirt: I just don't believe any actual bodybuilder would ever wear this. Look at the sleeves. They'd barely even fit ME.
The Expendables 1
Escape Plan
The New Celebrity Apprentice
Austrian Death Machine

To HELL With You!
Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines: The most incredible thing about this movie is that not only is it not the worst Terminator film, it's not even in the bottom three Terminator films. Terminator films after 2 are like Die Hard: every movie is worse than the previous one. I mean, first of all, having any more Terminator films after 2 just ruins the entire franchise right off the bat. The only Terminator 3 film should be about Sarah and John hiding in Costa Rica, and Sarah has mental problems from a lifetime of fighting robots, and she gets a job as a waitress and meets a guy and is like "what's your job" and he's like "I work at the robot factory" and she flips and starts stabbing him, and it turns into a courtroom drama. Along with Alien 3, this is one of the definitive "ruins the perfect movie before it" movies. But setting that aside, what we have here is another retread. There's ANOTHER super robot assassin who's even MORE dangerous than Arnold, and Arnold has to protect you AGAIN. But this time, there's a twist: remember Sarah Connor, the protagonist of the series whom everyone loves? She died of cancer off-screen. Instead, John is joined by his future-wife, who's TOTALLY important and is TOTALLY necessary for the Resistance of the future to succeed even though no one ever mentioned her before, and also John is now a drugged-up loser. Like, who came up with this concept? And how did Sarah Connor, who was dying of cancer, convince the people making her tomb (which is like a giant medieval mausoleum, and not a random grave in the ground) to fill it with weapons for Arnold to find just in case of more time travel shenanigans? There isn't a single thing in this movie that makes any sense at all, and it's not in a good way. I'll admit, the movie does have exactly one good joke, which is when the female Terminator looks at a billboard of a sexy model, then shapeshifts so her boobs are the same size as the model's, but like, I don't want to watch an entire movie just for that. I guess I can say that the ending of the movie is kind of ballsy, where the girl's father is like "the world is about to be nuked, but totally go to the inside of this mountain bunker where there is TOTALLY a switch that will disable the nukes," and Arnold immediately knows that he's lying and just trying to trick his daughter and John Connor into hiding someplace safe, and also lies to them so they'll survive as the world explodes. It's not a TERRIBLE ending, if you don't care about how it ruins Terminator 2. Is Terminator 2 the most ruined movie ever? It has three sequels that all go out of its way to establish how it doesn't matter and everything is for naught. But yeah -- this is a bad movie, but it has kind of a ballsy ending, Arnold's motivations still make some sense, and it's still rated R and has lots of bloody action, which puts it well above Terminator 5 and 6. God, those movies.
Jingle All the Way: I hate this movie. I have always hated this movie. I don't understand why people like it, other than that it's from their childhood. And Jake Lloyd? This movie and Phantom Menace ruined his life. He has like horrible mental problems from being a child actor. How many lives will Arnold ruin in his pursuit of extremely mediocre comedy? At least one.
Pumping Up with Hans & Franz (SNL)
Conan O'Brien's Arnold via Satellite Skits
Mr. Freeze