LogFAQs > #974953939

potdnewb posted...

that is not how forgiveness works

Step 1: Person punches you in the face
Step 2: You forgive that person
Step 3: Person says "thanks" and punches you in the face again
Step 4: "I'm so enlightened because I keep forgiving those who wrong m-" *punched again*

Forgiveness means not holding people's past transgressions against them. It does not mean ignoring current and probable future transgressions to the point of opening yourself up to harm. What you're talking about is not a matter of forgiving parents for being abusive, it's a matter of tolerating further abuse for the sake of claiming some kind of self-aggrandizing "win," with no regard for the pretty substantial harm that kind of mentality can do to a person. Tolerating abusive parents also has zero bearing on your ability to be a parent yourself (and if anything might actually make you more likely to abuse your kids because you've spent so long accepting and normalizing abusive behaviour).

Nobody has a right to abuse you. Period. By extension, nobody has a right to expect that you'll sit there and take that abuse instead of trying to stop it. By further extension, nobody deserves any sympathy when the victims they have abused choose to get away from them, nor should anyone act like your decision to get away from them is wrong. If you can leave your abuser, you are right to do so. Period. The only potential wrong in doing so is if you cause a third party further harm (such as leaving children behind with an abusive partner knowing that they'll take the brunt of that abuse), but even then that can still be the best choice in the long term if it puts you in a better position to mitigate or prevent that harm further down the road (like being able to put together a more cohesive divorce case that will secure custody of the kids, or find adequate housing so you aren't liberating them into homelessness).