LogFAQs > #973928226

Yes. I'm almost always awkward in public. I find it frightening to make and maintain eye contact. My heart starts pumping whenever I am forced to engage in conversation. I can only stare and stare, hoping that the agony of the silence brought on by my ostensible lack of social skills will end. I rarely know what to talk about. I am never able to offer anything more than an answer to a query that figuratively roped me into a given conversation, and answers to any subsequent queries. I tend to stumble on my words overoften. I end up babbling and making a complete fool of myself. I tend to avoid eye contact when passing others; they likewise shun me. I am afraid to engage again with those whom I either shun or exchange awkward conversation with, for the reason that I fear that they despise me already. I often don't know what to talk about in any case. From what I've shamelessly eavesdropped on, my co-workers seem to be engaged in a realm of interests with only a little common ground with mine. It is hard to take interest in that which I claim to take interest in nowadays anyway, so any conversation had regarding what I claim are my current interests will inevitably result in a conversation bare of life and of genuine apathy for the subject matter being discussed. I never feel alright shunning people. I am always left with guilt whenever I feel that I have either shunned someone, or failed to satisfy the amount of conversation that they were naively expecting from me. But the need to make eye-contact, and the need to contribute to any hypothetical conversation I may have is too daunting for me to even want to make contact. I claim always that I am miserable in my solitude, emotional and otherwise. It's just too hard. All the world is just whitenoise to me nowadays, and unfortunately, the people around do not amount to much more. I feel very bad regarding them in such a way. I admit that I tend to avoid eye-contact also because it helps me see them less as beings with emotions that can be hurt by either my neglect or actions. I also avoid eye-contact because I am afraid of those whom I have shied away from. The need to make social contact is a great drain on my energy levels; I imagine that my co-workers feel exactly the same way about my reluctance to make social contact. They may think that I am not fond of them; I am not proud of how that would make them feel, if they would feel anything because of me. I'm just a figurative bundle of tightly-knotted nerves during the week. Only during the weekend can I truly relax. But being alone offers its own misery also, as I've said before.