Lurker > HotLap

boxington posted...

even though I like Atlanta, overall, idk how I feel about season two.

most of the episodes were more dark and/or surreal.

I liked how dark and surreal it got, but I understand that's not why everyone watches it.

Also I just saw Donald Glover in the crowd and he wasn't wearing the Teddy Perkins makeup... Who the fuck is wearing the Teddy Perkins makeup? I'm legit scared.
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Lost_All_Senses posted...

Is the Bill Hader show Barry?

Yep, that's the one.
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I really hope Atlanta wins Best Comedy to see him give an acceptance speech while wearing that.

Although I'm glad Bill Hader won Best Actor in A Comedy Series he deserved it.
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Bump.
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Zane Gonzalez is fired as fuck.
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Vertania posted...

I don't think I can finish watching this Eagles/Bucs game. It's fucking miserable.

Feels like the refs were helping out the Bucs a little, but the Eagles are still fucking up hard.

Eagles are fucking up my parlay bet.
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What did you do in Vegas?
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A
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Mills and Kata have stopped their conversation and have become observers in yours.
"I mean, it's gotta fade though, right?" Jess shrugs. "What do we have to hope for if it doesn't? Other than hoping to die one day. Just tell me that if fades, Kevin. You can't really just feel uncontrollably happy forever, can you? It's gotta fade sometime."
"I...." you try to respond before Jess overpowers you again.
"I need you to tell me that it fades," Jess pleads. "I need that, Carrie needs that. I don't even care if it's a lie, I just need you to say it. Please just tell me that it fades. Tell me that it fades."
"Yeah," you respond. "It fades."

After you hand her the keys to your car, Jess backs away in Carrie's, vowing to come pick up her extra closet in the morning. You attempt to stare somberly through the windshield as she reverses out of the marina. You turn around to face Mills and Kata. "You think she can see me still?"
Kata peers around you. "Nah, you should be fine."
You double over and let out a short yell you've been holding in for nearly ten minutes. "Ooooh man I thought I was gonna blow it! That was soooo god dang hard keeping it together like that."
"Soooo what?" Kata asks. "It doesn't fade?"
"Heck no. I will feel like this for-flippin-ever," you laugh. "I sold it pretty good though, I think. Did I cry? I tried to cry but I don't know if I actually did."
"Could you cry on command when you were alive?" Mills asks.
You think it over. "Hmm no. I guess I probably didn't cry then, huh?"
Kata snaps her fingers to get you and Mills' attention. "Back to the matter at hand. We need a yacht."
You clasp your hands together and sway giddily. "So we can complete your loooove story."
Kata ignores you and continues on. "We should probably take a yacht at the end of the harbor, since it would be less trouble getting it out to the open ocean. Hopefully there's an older one that will be easy to hot wire."
"You can hot wire a yacht?" you ask.
"There are some skills I've inherited from my father that are actually useful," Kata confirms.
"I didn't even know yachts could be hot wired," you admit.

Kata walks over towards the marina and looks at potential targets, leaving you alone with Mills.
"Psst," you psst to Mills.
"Psst" he pssts back.
"If your girlfriend could hot wire yachts, why did you need me in the first place?" you whisper.
"Well because um.... Because...shit I swear there was a reason," Mills scratches his head.
"I did kill that old man pretty good," you say jovially.
"Yeah that wasn't the reason," Mills says.

Kata returns to the group and whispers, "There are at least four plain clothes policemen sitting in the harbor."
"How could you possibly know that?" Mills asks.
"You think my anarchist father didn't teach me how to spot pigs from a mile away?" Kata growls. "Luckily I came prepared." She unzips the duffel bag to reveal six molotov cocktails inside.
You take one look at the molotovs and say, "Kata, I don't know what your education plans are once you reach the island, but if you ever come back I know of a sorority that I really think you'll fit in well with."

You have the intel. You have the technical skills. You have the teen angst. Now all you need is a plan.

What do you do?

A) Use your strength to rip the siding off a yacht, use it as a bullet shield against the policemen and protect the kids while they hot wire a yacht.
B) Target a yacht. Take the molotovs away from the target and create a fiery diversion so the kids have time to get away.
C) Turn yourself in to the undercover police so Mills and Kata can get away without interference.
D) Offer to bite Mills and Kata's fathers instead of going on a yacht adventure.
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"Don't get me wrong, I love Carrie," you quickly clarify. "And I loved our marriage, but... did you ever see pictures of me before I met your sister?"
She nods. "I have. Let's just say you weren't so 'Slim' back then, if you know what I mean."
"Exactly," you say. "Six years ago I lived in my mom's basement. I was extremely overweight, I hated my job, and I was lonely as heck. I thought about ending it all almost every day, but who wouldn't be depressed under those circumstances?"
"But you changed," Jess says.
"I did," you nod. "I hated my job, so I really focused and got a better one. I didn't like living in Mom's basement, but with my new job I was able to move out. I hated my body, I started dieting and exercising. I was lonely... and then I met your sister. She was amazing. Beautiful, smart, quirky in an effortless way, not in a Zooey Deschanel way. And with that, everything that I hated about my former life was gone. All the causes of my depression were gone, but I didn't... I didn't feel any better. I kept waiting for it to click like I just put the last piece into a jigsaw puzzle and now I was complete. But I felt the same as I did sitting fat and alone in that basement. "
"That just means it was clinical, you idiot," Jess says bluntly.
"Yeah," you mutter. "I understand that. For those six years I considered my depression as a set of monkey bars on a playground. And as I checked things off my list, I imagined myself swinging across, getting closer and closer to the other side. But when I figured out my depression wasn't a matter of circumstance, I realized that I'd just been desperately hanging on to the first rung for six years. I was so... tired. I told myself don't look down, don't look down, don't look down, so I looked ahead. But I think that scared me more than what was below. So I dropped. I dropped and I'm sorry."
Jess wipes tears away from the corners of her eyes.
"It wasn't her fault," you tell Jess. "But look, I'm better! Sure, it's not great to look at the outside of me, but I'm feeling better than I have in decades."
"I'm happy for you, Kevin," Jess tries to smile.
You grab Jess by the shoulders. "Tell me honestly, how is Carrie doing?"
"She's... hanging in there," she replies wearily.

You look over to the kids who are talking about all the things they want to do on their island. You look down at Jess and ask, "Did this help?"
"So you're really just happy all the time?" Jess avoids the question.
"Yeah," you shrug. "It's pretty great."
"And before you came back, the six weeks you spent away from here...?" she chokes up in spite of herself.
You nod and give Jess a thumbs up. "Also super neat."
She's openly letting tears fall now. "And does it fade?"
You open your mouth to respond but she cuts you off by holding up one finger.
"Don't answer that! Not yet," she takes a deep breath to try to stop crying. "I have been doing everything I can to try to keep Carrie going over the last few weeks, but she is taking it badly. And it's even worse now that you showed up at her front door super chipper without a care in the world."
"I have a care," you say, trying to tie in your nonsensical joke from before. "I drink Foster's. Australian for-"
"It's wearing on me too, Kevin. So why am I keeping her going? Why am I even keeping myself going to keep Carrie going? If once we die it's all sunshine and smiles, why are we still here?"
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You rub your temples. "Okay wait. So everything that's happened so far... Mills bringing me back from the dead, the people I've..." you give Jess a sidelong glance. "The people I've disgusted, the probable trauma I've put Carrie through, this whole time... it's just all been about some runaway teenage romance?"
Mills and Kata remain silent while they exchange discouraged glances.
"That is so GREAT!" you exclaim, bringing them both into a group hug.
"What?!" Jess exclaims from outside the hug as Mills and Kata bring their arms around you, laughing all the while.
"What better cause is there in this world than love?" you ask Jess. "These kids are crazy about each other and are willing to do anything to be together. Oh man, thinking about it makes me so happy my gosh darn heart is leaping into my dang throat." You stand between the two teenagers, hands on their shoulders.
Mills looks up at you and asks, "What did you mean 'people' you've disgusted? I thought you only 'disgusted' one person."
"There was a mute boy I met at the Jamba Juice that isn't currently disgusted but there is a possibility he will become disgusted later on," you explain. "Man, this is going to be an adventure, huh kids?"

"Okay, I really need to talk to you," Jess says as she grabs your hand and drags you away.
"What's up?"
"There's something I need to know," Jess starts.
Knowing what she's going to ask, you tell her, "It was on Route 18."
"I know where the fucking Jamba Juice is, Kevin," she scoffs. "There's something else I need to know."
Oh man, you weren't prepared for this. Luckily, you had something on your mind that you wanted to ask your sister-in-law first. "Hey, why are you doing this?"
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"You seemed pretty against helping me. I mean I'm partnering up with the mayor's missing son. That's a lot of risk to take on to bring him here," you scratch the back of your neck. "And not only that, now you wrangled in another child to the situation. I thought for sure you would have just driven Mills directly to the police station."
Jess nods. "Yeah, I probably should have. Once you sprayed dirt all over the front side of the house and drove off, I wanted to call the cops right away. But... I love my sister more than anyone else in the world, so I decided to tough it out for a chance to help her."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, that's what I need to talk to you about. I don't want to be involved in this yacht theft any more than I already am so I need answers now," she puts a hand on her hip. "And if you don't answer me honestly, I will change my mind and call the police to come pick up Mills."
You gasp. "Jessica! What's so important that you'd be willing to blackmail your dead brother-in-law and two adolescent weirdos?"
"Same thing she asked you at the house," is all she says.
"Come on, Jess."
Jess takes out her phone. "I swear to God, Kevin. You said it yourself, I put myself through a lot of risk to transport two missing children across town. This is what I did it for. She needs this... I need this."
Your eyes are fixated on the phone. You think about the hammer lying on the cave floor. It would come in handy right about now. For smashing the phone, of course. Not Jess.
"I don't need the whole story," Jess pleads. "Just give me something. You really can't tap into the darkness of your former life?"
"I remember... everything," you say exasperated. "But Carrie's going to want to know what went wrong. Nothing went wrong. It was always wrong. It was never right."
"What?" Jess blurts out.
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Kata places the duffel bag delicately on the ground. "Why does anyone get together? I like him."
You again attempt to congratulate the happy couple, but end up whispering a simple, "Him?"
Mills furrows his brow. "What the hell, man?"
You take a step back to collect yourself. "No, no, no you're right. I'm being a real dink. I guess I'm still lost though?" you say quizzically. "Why is Kata at the yacht theft?"
"Pfft," Mills pffts. "Kata's the reason why the yacht theft is happening at all."
"You guys are stealing a fucking yacht?!" Jess interjects.
"We're gonna do our darndest, Jess. Don't you worry," you reassure her.
"So you know how my dad is the mayor?" Mills whispers at you.
"YES," you whisper back loudly.
"Well Kata's dad is sort of an antichrist-"
"Anarchist," Kata corrects him.
"Right, anarchist. So my father doesn't really want his son dating the daughter of an anarchist," Mills explains.
"So what if your dads have differing ideologies," you smile. "There's this girl Kendra that I met at the Jamba Juice on Route 18. She believed she needed to stab me while I believed I didn't need to be stabbed. Two opposite ends of the spectrum, but I still consider Kendra to be one of my very best friends."
"Friends don't stab friends, Slim," Kata tells you.
You clap her on the shoulder. "You're thirteen. You have a lot to learn about friendship."
"Aaaanyways," Mills continues. "It goes a little deeper than differing ideologies. Before he became the mayor, my dad was a cop. And Kata's dad was in... sales."
"Drug sales," Jess assumes out loud.
"Obviously," confirms Kata. "My dad was eventually arrested by his dad. This was before either of us were born, but my dad can hold a grudge for a long time. So when Mills' dad was running for office, my dad started protesting nearly all of his events. He spray-painted graffiti on his billboards, leaked some untrue shit to the media, anything to make him look bad. So to get him off his back, Mayor Miller asked his cop buddies to make sure my dad's sales career hadn't reignited."
"But it had?" asks Jess in a softer tone than she used before.
"No," Kata dispels that fear. "But he was still buying and wasn't really hiding it in the house. Cops found it, he was arrested, and I spent a couple rough months in foster care."
"Foster's - Australian for care," you chime in.
"Read the fucking room, Kevin," Jess scolds you.
"Anyways, Kata and I met at school and hit it off," Mills continues. "When I told my dad about it he almost locked me in my room, but never really told me why."
"And when my dad found out, he basically urged me to whore myself out to take down the Miller family from the inside," Kata adds.
"Ah, now it makes sense," you say.
"That's not what's fucking happening here, what the hell is wrong with you?" Kata demands.
"God sold me some good endorphins,."
"Next time we got together, we were able to piece together our stories," recalls Mills. "About a month ago, my dad dragged me onto this yacht of a rich real estate developer to schmooze about taxes or something, I don't know. But I saw it. There's an island off the coast - out of sight from the shore - that's where we want to go."
You squint. "Huh?"
"That's where we're gonna live. Kata and I are going to that island to be with each other. We just needed a way to get there, hence the yacht," Mills clarifies.
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Jess puts the car in park. While she and Mills exit the front seat, a teenage girl gets out of the back. She looks to be the same age as Mills, but a few inches taller. Her arms and legs are so lanky she looks like a stick figure come to life. Her long black hair is in a ponytail that ends just above her waist. "Who is this other small person?" you ask.
Mills opens his mouth to say something, but the girl announces "I'm Kata" before he has the chance to.
"We're actually going by codenames," Mills informs her.
"What's your codename?" she asks.
"I'm going by Mills," he replies.
"That's not much of a codename," she frowns. "I mean, your last name is Miller. It's not a huge leap."
"Yeah but Slim didn't know that," he argues.
"Why can't Slim know your real name?" Kata wonders.
"I do know his real name, I googled it," you tell him holding up your phone.
"Aw, what the hell man?" Mills looks disappointed.
Kata strides over to you and shakes your hand. "Nice to meet you, Slim. If that is your real name."
You shake Kata's hand happily. "My name is Kevin Archibald Rosen. I was born April 22, 1987. My social security number is-"
"I don't... I don't need to know your social," Kata interrupts you. "Do you want me to call you Kevin or Slim?"
Wanting to score some wingman points for Mills, you turn to him and ask, "What do you think, master?"
Mills raises his eyebrow. "I don't give a shit, dude."
"I guess I'll stay with Slim," you shrug. "Mainly because I realized that Slim is Mills backwards and I think that's a neat dynamic."
"Oooh shit," Mills eyes widen as his mind is blown.
"You want a codename, Kata?" you ask.
"I'd like my codename to still be Kata," she requests.
"Alright, that works. I should be able to remember that," you concentrate before turning to Jess. "Do you want a codename too?"
"No," she quickly replies.
"You're the only one without one though," Mills says.
"I'm fine with that," she confirms.
"My codename is Mills backwards. Your codename could be Kata's backwards," you suggest. "What's Kata backw... Hmm... A-..tak. Attack! Your codename could be Attack!"
"Yeah no thank you," Jess dismisses the proposal.
"That'd be pretty cool actually," Mills tries to sway her. "Because whenever we scream 'ATTACK!' the enemy wouldn't know if we were actually attacking or just shouting your name."
"Why are you three attacking anyone?" Jess demands.
"We're not, Jess. It's just kids being kids," you lie.
Jess rolls her eyes and sighs. "Kevin you have a fucking knife in your arm."
You look down at the knife Kendra planted in your tricep that you forgot to remove. "It's what all the kids are doing now. The dab's been replaced by the stab. I learned that at Jamba Juice."
"What are you-"
"The one on Route 18."
"-even talking about?" Jess finishes.
"Kids are the future. Keep up or... get stabbed," you warn Jess in a confused tone.

Needing to change the subject, you ask Mills, "So how do you know Kata and what is she doing here?"
As Kata strolls to the car and grabs a duffel bag from the backseat, Mills answers, "We're boyfriend and girlfriend."
Huh, looks like you didn't need to give Mills any wingman points at all. He's doing fine on his own. You try to congratulate Mills, but take one look at his red hair and glasses an accidentally just blurt out, "Why?"
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neverwin posted...

I'm dying

We're all dying bitch.
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How I Met Your Mother
Rick and Morty
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Eevee-Trainer posted...

I wholeheartedly expect a meteor to strike TC's house tomorrow, destroy his computer, and we'll be deprived of our update

You guys uh.... are not gonna believe what happened to my house today.

jk writing it now
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Parks and Recreation
The Office
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Just binged the entire new season of Bojack Horseman so I'm filled up with lots of sadness to pour into the update tomorrow.
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"What if I get sober and I'm still the same awful person I've always been, only more sober?"

Typing this very drunk from my couch right now and relating to it hard.

Also want to reiterate what others have said about MPB. He didn't change. He wants to, but ultimately made the same mistake he's made three times before.
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Malcolm in the Middle
Parks and Recreation
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Alright, I'm committing. Update before the end of the weekend.
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Bump to keep it alive.
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WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs
Brooklyn 99

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WaterLink posted...

D. Fuck Odie

Oh god.
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I wish Tom Brady would chug me.
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WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs
Brooklyn 99

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Parappa09 posted...

also its weird seeing gronk doing adverts

Whenever I see him in Dunkin commercials he always looks so awkward.

Also jealous of west coast football. Wake up, eat breakfast, watch football for ten hours, and you still have some time at the end of the day.
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WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs
Brooklyn 99

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WafflehouseJK posted...

Malcolm In The Middle
Scrubs
Brooklyn 99

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Brooklyn Nine Nine
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Malcolm in the Middle
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Parka and Recreation
Scrubs
The Office
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

soulunison2 posted...

SwordMaster13X posted...

@soulunison2

I'm glad I've hung out with you

We pissed on walls together and did spoken word poetry together, good times

Did you see each other's dinker donkers?
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It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Malcolm in the Middle
The Office
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Loved Garden State and Scrubs. Wish You Were Here was meh.

As a person he seems a little pretentious but well meaning.
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FUCK I don't vote for a couple days and three of the shows I've been saving promptly get eliminated.

Community
Parks and Recreation
Scrubs
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He had no chill.
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I don't think the hate for Mark was as strong while he was on the show. I think it evolved after Ben and Chris were introduced, since everyone realized how much better the show could be without him.
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Definitely try some Mexican food as soon as you can. You gonna go to Huntington Beach on your way up the coast?
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Haha it was hands down the most grueling move of my life, but I won't get into that.
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Atlanta
Scrubs
Silicon Valley
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All moved in! It was a rough weekend but I'm all set now. Update should be coming in the next couple of days.
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I like Tig Notaro.
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Brooklyn Nine Nine
Episodes
Malcolm in the Middle
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BoJack Horseman
The Office
Parks and Recreation
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Hexenherz posted...

Popeyes has better chicken in general but I hate that they give out little things of sauce only.

If I had to pick a way to die it'd be drowning in Blackened Ranch sauce.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Atlanta
Silicon Valley
Scrubs
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.

Chicken posted...

Only ever had kfc

You've disgraced your own username.
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Atlanta
BoJack Horseman
Silicon Valley
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If you don't have any relevant work experience, good luck getting 80k. 52k is actually fairly decent for an entry level position.

In my line of work, the starting entry level salary was around $50k. The managers probably don't even make 80k. So if you keep demanding a higher salary than a manager because it says Masters on a piece of paper, you'll be unemployed for a long time.
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JACKBUTTMOMMY posted...

darkjedilink posted...

JACKBUTTMOMMY posted...

darkjedilink posted...

It's literally pee. Any person that's actually made a woman squirt knows this.

Even if it were entirely, which it's not, why the concern?

I'm not concerned in the slightest - merely stating the fact that medical exams have proven that, when a woman squirts, her bladder fills, then evacuates.

Ergo, it's literally pee.

Medical science has shown that it contains more than just pee. A solution that is partial pee is not completely pee. How's that for science? Obviously it contains pee, so obviously the bladder will have some relation.

Who paid for that study though?

Big Squirt that's who.
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You don't have to put my thighs in the microwave.