Current Events > The flaws in fixating on red flags in pursuing romantic relationships

(+) Yeah! (+)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BHf0L8dZJbE

Basically if you reject or dump people because of red flags, it shows a tendency to never recognize your own red flags and work to improve on it, nor give others the time and support to improve themselves.

He clarifies he's not talking about severe red flags like straight up abusive partners, but he goes as far as to say it's possible to date an addict and overcome it together.

Pretty good vid for some of you guys to watch I think. It wasn't here, per se, but I specifically remember rooming with 2 other dudes who were obsessed with talking about red flags to the point where they sabotaged one of the relationships I had by never shutting up about it and telling me to ditch her before she causes more trouble. It's shocking that people in their college years could be considered legal with such a childish view of people. Been a long time since then, and I personally agree with this vid 100%

Nah being a conservative is a fair red flag and people are right to immediately dismiss em as a potential partner.

Everyone obsessed with flags all of.a.sudden

weeding out red flags at the start is a good way to avoid a painful divorce down the line

Having a list of checkboxes to check off is a red flag

ironman2009 posted...

Having a list of checkboxes to check off is a red flag

Gainful employment
Not an antivaxxer
Vehicle
Not conservative

Oh no so many flags

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Yeah that would fall under the type of red flags that you don't look over. I think the point is to use logic, not give up immediately. But if they're murderers or abusers or racists etc, stuff that would breach your morals, it may go beyond the point of being able to work through it

Sorry I'm not dating smokers because a YouTube video told me to

It depends on the red flag. Some are like red lines and thats fair.

I think that the pseudoscience-ing of dating is the real threat to romantic relationships.

You could date an addict and fix them, but hear me out:

You could date non-addicts, and then not have anything to fix, and have much less risk for the same reward.

Sure, the heart wants what it wants, but be practical about it. Sometimes emotions are fucking stupid and you should listen to your head.

Red lines are all very well, but if you fall hard enough, they go out the window.

Even the 'no serial killers' one.

ai123 posted...

Red lines are all very well, but if you fall hard enough, they go out the window.

Even the 'no serial killers' one.

Where's the body, McQueen?!

This topic is a red flag.

Not wanting to date addicts, smokers and stuff like that are not good examples of bad red flags... they're red flags that I actually respect..and I'm an ex addict and smoker. Political affiliations and religion are also things you can't just sweep under the rug

I agree though that using the term red flags over vague and tiny little perceived character flaws and quirks, usually based on one or two meetings are becoming prevalent and it's toxic. I also agree it's making people not look within and realising they have stuff to work on themselves

Will_VIII posted...

Nah being a conservative is a fair red flag and people are right to immediately dismiss em as a potential partner.

Fr. I won't ever be with someone who thinks the election was stolen or vaccines don't work.

"Having standards is a sign you aren't considering the standards of others!" seems like pretty plain bullshit projection. Some people are just as harsh, or even more harsh, on themselves as they are on others.

Like, people who have some very standard red flags that turn people off dating them are going to be engaged in some very motivated reasoning as to why red flags are actually bad.

if i had paid better mind to red flags i would have avoided a lot of toxic relationships

I think the important thing is to recognize where you draw the line without going to extremes. No one is perfect, so if you bail every time you see even one bad quality, then yeah that's a miserable approach to dating.

CoyoteTheGreat posted...

"Having standards is a sign you aren't considering the standards of others!" seems like pretty plain bullshit projection. Some people are just as harsh, or even more harsh, on themselves as they are on others.

I very rarely hear the term red flag used in a non holier than thou way. A lot of people think they "get" and understand dating behaviour better than others

Having said that having standards and boundaries is fine, it's just becoming a little ridiculous with the amount of things now that are apparently red flags

Axiom posted...

Sorry I'm not dating smokers because a YouTube video told me to

Smokers can fuck right off.

garan posted...

Smokers can fuck right off.

I've done it and the things that ended up bothering me were not the things I expected. I don't mind the smell, I wasn't overly concerned about second hand smoke, it was the need to stop whatever we were doing to go and smoke every half hour that I got sick of

Fixation on red flag is a red flag itself

Will_VIII posted...

Gainful employment
Not an antivaxxer
Vehicle
Not conservative

Oh no so many flags

nah, those things are all legit reasons to not date somebody off the jump.

shit about what their favorite movie is or if they own an android phone is just silly.

ironman2009 posted...

nah, those things are all legit reasons to not date somebody off the jump.

shit about what their favorite movie is or if they own an android phone is just silly.

Yeah this. I saw "guys who type in lower case" presented as one the other day

haloiscoolisbak posted...

Yeah this. I saw "guys who type in lower case" presented as one the other day

if they don't want me at my best, then they don't want me at my worst :(

haloiscoolisbak posted...

I very rarely hear the term red flag used in a non holier than thou way. A lot of people think they "get" and understand dating behaviour better than others

Having said that having standards and boundaries is fine, any related to politics, religion and drugs is completely valid in my book. It's just becoming a little ridiculous with the amount of things now that are apparently red flags

Personally, I tend to think of red flags as something more ubiquitous for signs of an unhealthy or harmful relationship, and wouldnt conflate them with personal preferences.

Back when I was in the dating scene, I matched with someone on an app who was complimenting me a lot, telling me Im pretty, talking about taking me to fun places, etc. We had been messaging back and forth a day or two, then one day goes by where no messages are exchanged. After that, they sent me a message attempting to call me out for allegedly doing them wrong, claiming I should have messaged them after they did all these nice things for me. I didnt see it that way, because Im just getting to know someone online before meeting in person to decide if I want to date or not.

Ill talk about sexual preferences in a more general sense and such before meeting though, but when they start saying things like cant wait to take a shower together Im like hey, we havent even met in person yet.