Current Events > Another emotional breakdown at work, yay

(+) Yeah! (+)

Also holy shit my breasts hurt so bad. They were small and easy to bind before I did this. I don't know what to do if they stay this way.

I don't miss having breakdowns in public, much less at my workplace. A razor-thin silver lining to being an unemployable loser is that my breakdowns are all private now.

Sorry you're going through this.

Heartomaton posted...

I don't miss having breakdowns in public, much less at my workplace. A razor-thin silver lining to being an unemployable loser is that my breakdowns are all private now.

Sorry you're going through this.

I brought it on myself, sigh.

I wanted a child and I do have a uterus.

I really don't like being continuously reminded that my sex and gender don't match, though. I get irrationally angry thinking about being treated like some kind of delicate flower.

DarkRoast posted...

Cleo thank you so much. I had no idea what I was getting into. It's too much to handle alone.

These are old memories that I thought I'd conquered. I was satisfied with my lifestyle. But all these emotions, feelings and stuff. It's crazy.

I spent 20 years of my life hating myself for not being the girl my parents wanted me to be. It hurts so much.

I hope I go back to normal after I give birth. Being forced into the wrong gender for nine months has been humiliating and emotional and way beyond what I expected

You probably still had some hurt buried down deep that you thought you overcame but didnt. Im sorry that was your experience with you parents. It sounds crazy but its good to process this now. Get it totally out of your system so you will be the best parent you can be. You wont be your parents, you will love and support your little one no matter how they identify. You will show them the unconditional love your parents didnt offer you. All we can do is try to be better than our parents. I know that I wont subject my daughter to the same abuse I experienced growing up and into my early adulthood. That I will love her unconditionally unlike my parents love for me.

I remember for me it hit after she was born for a few weeks and I too thought I was over those feelings but I really just buried them. I thought I was the worst mom ever. Here I was with my dream baby in my arms after years of infertility and humiliating IVF treatments that left me feeling like a science experiment. And all I could do was mope around crying. But then a weight was gone. Ive never felt more at peace with my past. Every day I do better for my daughter than they did for me and it makes me so happy to see her thrive. You will see that and experience it too.

And dont feel embarrassed about these emotions or try and bury them back. Let them out. Turn to your wife for support. You can PM me anytime too if you just want to talk and express how youre feeling. What youre feeling is totally normal and ok. Its almost like biologically our bodies force us to face our demons lol

You're a lot stronger than me.

A lot stronger.

Thats not very INTJ of you

Ok I'm good now. You have no idea what those words meant to me, Cleo. Not feeling alone helps so much.

Shit I'm a mess.

DarkRoast posted...

You're a lot stronger than me.

A lot stronger.

Not at all. Im just on the other side of it after having been through it. I was a crying mess and felt so useless for weeks. I thought I was such a terrible human that couldnt let the past go and just enjoy my baby. I cant imagine adding the complexity of processing the duality between my gender identity and my body functions. That is such a huge undertaking for you and you are navigating a lot right now as your body continues to change in ways that are increasingly uncomfortable. Please be kinder to yourself. Youre doing amazing.

DarkRoast posted...

Ok I'm good now. You have no idea what those words meant to me, Cleo. Not feeling alone helps so much.

Shit I'm a mess.

Im glad I could help. Like I said, you can PM me anytime too. You definitely arent alone. People often hear about the physical discomforts of pregnancy but theres a whole shit ton of emotional crap that isnt talked about as much.

I feel deep inside that when I finally hold my baby in my arms, none of that will matter in that moment.

Thanks so much for the support.

DarkRoast posted...

I feel deep inside that when I finally hold my baby in my arms, none of that will matter in that moment.

Thanks so much for the support.

Oh man theres nothing like that first time you get to hold them. And then you get to provide them with a better life than you ever had. My mom has made comments about my girl being the happiest and best behaved toddler shes ever seen and I like to think its because Im insanely patient with her lol which is something I never experienced as a kid

Well today I'm doing much better. Fuck hormones.

glad you're feeling better, at least for now.

homersimpsondoitforher.meme

also, this will pretty much be an "i win this disagreement" card with the wife for quite a while. if you should ever find yourself in need of such a thing =p

Well that was a fun 30 minutes in the bathroom crying.

Back to normalcy for a few hours?

DarkRoast posted...

Well that was a fun 30 minutes in the bathroom crying.

Back to normalcy for a few hours?

Cleo put it more eloquently than I ever could - the crying and the 'normalcy' are both okay and both important to sit with/experience. A lot of times we focus on "finding what we can control so we still have a feeling of control", but I feel thinking about choice is probably important for you right now - choice of how you express all the emotions/thoughts/conflicts (knowing that almost all choices are okay)

Little bird told me that the Caution Club is livid over the idea of a woman discussing her pregnancy on these forums.

So to that I urge you to continue to share, in as much detail as you feel comfortable.

Doing well today! I also politely but firmly informed my wife, family and friends to not buy me any maternity clothes because that was a lot of what was setting me off.

CyricZ posted...

Little bird told me that the Caution Club is livid over the idea of a woman discussing her pregnancy on these forums.

So to that I urge you to continue to share, in as much detail as you feel comfortable.

Awww poor babies

Ruvan22 posted...

Cleo put it more eloquently than I ever could - the crying and the 'normalcy' are both okay and both important to sit with/experience. A lot of times we focus on "finding what we can control so we still have a feeling of control", but I feel thinking about choice is probably important for you right now - choice of how you express all the emotions/thoughts/conflicts (knowing that almost all choices are okay)

Yes that's very true. I think what scares me more than anything is that I am an extremely rational person, so having emotional swings that aren't rational really hit me hard. But I think I should just develop a plan to calm myself during those times.

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Thanks for the male pronouns, it helps a lot <3

After the breastfeeding ends I'm swapping the gender roles with my wife (who is actually very feminine) and getting back to my old self.

Not going to deny my child a mother when they're an infant, so I'll just fake it as best as I can.

@Cleo_II did you breastfeed and pump? I'm going to have to almost exclusively pump except for nighttime because of my work schedule and I have literally no idea what brand or whatever is good. And everything online is all "trust your heart" and I'm like fuck that bullshit

DarkRoast posted...

Yes that's very true. I think what scares me more than anything is that I am an extremely rational person, so having emotional swings that aren't rational really hit me hard. But I think I should just develop a plan to calm myself during those times.

That sounds like a big part of how you see yourself as a person - rational and at the least not needing to express any strong emotions? I'm not trying to speak for your experience - my mind doing things/going through things it never had in the first three decades of my life was really unsettling, especially when I felt the absence of those things were fundamental parts of me (and what others knew to be factual about me).

A plan/being prepared is always good.. though part of me says 'the plan' could also be listening to melancholy or depressing songs that aren't trying to calm you :)

I never knew you were a trans man. I knew you were pro-trans previously. Then for some reason, you said something a while back that made me know you were trans (but of course instantly thoughts MtF) .... but now this. I had no idea.

Yeah, that's a good 9 months of dysphoria hitting you hard.

Sayoria posted...

I never knew you were a trans man. I knew you were pro-trans previously. Then for some reason, you said something a while back that made me know you were trans (but of course instantly thoughts MtF) .... but now this. I had no idea.

Yeah, that's a good 9 months of dysphoria hitting you hard.

I'm not fully trans - I don't take hormones and I don't tell people to use male pronouns, but I do bind my breasts and wear essentially men's clothing.

DarkRoast posted...

I'm not fully trans - I don't take hormones and I don't tell people to use male pronouns, but I do bind my breasts and wear essentially men's clothing.

How would you identify then? Fluid? And while you don't tell people to use male pronouns, it still sounds like you prefer them. So.......... Where are you with this?

DarkRoast posted...

I don't take hormones and I don't tell people to use male pronouns,

for what it's worth, those things aren't what makes someone trans, only how comfortable you want to be in or near your closet, lol.

Sayoria posted...

How would you identify then? Fluid? And while you don't tell people to use male pronouns, it still sounds like you prefer them. So.......... Where are you with this?

It's really too late for me to change my gender identity to those around me. I just act a certain way and let others decide what it means. But in an ideal world I would prefer male pronouns.

DarkRoast posted...

It's really too late for me to change my gender identity to those around me. I just act a certain way and let others decide what it means. But in an ideal world I would prefer male pronouns.

Then male you are.

How old are you?

37, which means I either have a baby now or never.

Okay, you are definitely older than I was when I came out.

............but that doesn't change anything. As 'abnormal' as it might seem, transmen DO get pregnant, and do have kids. You can still be a trans guy and carry through the child to term. Honestly if you are masculine-presenting to those around you, I think coming out as trans wouldn't shock too many people.

Sayoria posted...

Okay, you are definitely older than I was when I came out.

............but that doesn't change anything. As 'abnormal' as it might seem, transmen DO get pregnant, and do have kids. You can still be a trans guy and carry through the child to term. Honestly if you are masculine-presenting to those around you, I think coming out as trans wouldn't shock too many people.

Honestly I've made peace with who I am. It wasn't even much of a concern until I got pregnant and was immediately thrust into a female-only world.

DarkRoast posted...

Honestly I've made peace with who I am. It wasn't even much of a concern until I got pregnant and was immediately thrust into a female-only world.

I dunno. Judging by your posts in here, I don't think you made peace with it.

Don't regret anything. I already regret transitioning too late into life but even if I haven't until now, I would still do it. Living happy is better than living an 'I wish' life.

I'm OK, really. It's just the hormones win during pregnancy lol.

It never bothered me when my wife had me wear all those weird cosplay outfits.

Part of the issue is that for the first time in my life I sort of feel female, and it's not something I could escape even if I was fully trans.
I assume that'll get better after I deliver. It's just weird. These brief moments of feels.

Sounds like you shouldn't have gotten pregnant.

Lonestar2000 posted...

Sounds like you shouldn't have gotten pregnant.

Sounds like you should take viagra

Thanks, that means a lot to me :)

I was happy with my gender identity before pregnancy. People generally treated me like I was male, even if the pronouns weren't, and that was good enough for me.

Eeeeeeevery once and I while those cosplay outfits make me feel kind of sexy in a weird way, but I don't know if it's because of the gender switch being kind of kinky or because I'm gender fluid.

I tried to breastfeed and pump for about a month until I quit and switched to formula. I wasnt producing enough. I had a large and hungry baby (she was born 9 lbs 2 oz) and it got to the point she would scream bloody murder at the sight of my breasts. She latched great and I had no other issues but shed quickly notice I wasnt making enough and start screaming until we gave her formula. I tried pumping but I would pump several times just to make one small bottle for her. It was draining. I did it for a month, giving one bottle of my milk every day, before I stopped. Given that I was already having an emotional breakdown and was recovering from a c section, I didnt want to add on additional pressure on myself by trying supplements or whatever to produce more. We gave her formula and she was quite happy with that.

DarkRoast posted...

I'm OK, really. It's just the hormones win during pregnancy lol.

It never bothered me when my wife had me wear all those weird cosplay outfits.

Part of the issue is that for the first time in my life I sort of feel female, and it's not something I could escape even if I was fully trans.
I assume that'll get better after I deliver. It's just weird. These brief moments of feels.

There's things that always make me feel male. Like my shoulders give me massive dysphoria, the lack of periods, body hair all over the body, and so much more. Thankfully, I can keep up with the hair situation, and I mean, not having a period isn't awful, but the shoulders for example, do kill me because I never expose them anywhere I go because of it.

Regardless, you be you. Once the child is delivered and if you want to transition, I'd say do it. People who are in their 30s and think about it, and have for years (assuming you probably have) .... Those thoughts never go away, and the older you get, the more you regret.

When did you first have those thoughts?
And how far from labor are you?

Cleo_II posted...

I tried to breastfeed and pump for about a month until I quit and switched to formula. I wasnt producing enough. I had a large and hungry baby (she was born 9 lbs 2 oz) and it got to the point she would scream bloody murder at the sight of my breasts. She latched great and I had no other issues but shed quickly notice I wasnt making enough and start screaming until we gave her formula. I tried pumping but I would pump several times just to make one small bottle for her. It was draining. I did it for a month, giving one bottle of my milk every day, before I stopped. Given that I was already having an emotional breakdown and was recovering from a c section, I didnt want to add on additional pressure on myself by trying supplements or whatever to produce more. We gave her formula and she was quite happy with that.

Im going to try but if I cant Ill switch to formula. Im a bit scared because Ive spent decades binding myself and maybe I damaged my ducts.

And Sayoria I always called myself a tomboy but it was only in the past few years have I ever come to understand transgenderism. So its a subject Im a bit uncomfortable with because I 100% would have transitioned as a teenager had I known.

DarkRoast posted...

Im going to try but if I cant Ill switch to formula. Im a bit scared because Ive spent decades binding myself and maybe I damaged my ducts.

Just try not to pressure yourself too much, especially if you feel like it will further add to your emotional stress. At the end of the day, fed is best, regardless of breastfeeding or formula. The fact that I couldnt do it added to my emotional postpartum breakdown. I felt like such a failure. I am infertile and had to do 3 IVF transfers to get pregnant. I only managed to get pregnant one time in 4 years on my own and it ended as a chemical. Then I failed to ever dilate to give birth and had to be induced and cut open. Then I couldnt make milk. My baby was a science baby through and through and I felt like my body just hated me. I kept trying and she kept crying each time. At the end of the day, I had to wonder who I was really trying to breastfeed for. Her or myself. Because she was quite happy to be formula fed. People put so much weight into breastfeeding is best etc but the advantages are minimal and not worth your mental health imo.

Cleo_II posted...

Just try not to pressure yourself too much, especially if you feel like it will further add to your emotional stress. At the end of the day, fed is best, regardless of breastfeeding or formula. The fact that I couldnt do it added to my emotional postpartum breakdown. I felt like such a failure. I am infertile and had to do 3 IVF transfers to get pregnant. I only managed to get pregnant one time in 4 years on my own and it ended as a chemical. Then I failed to ever dilate to give birth and had to be induced and cut open. Then I couldnt make milk. My baby was a science baby through and through and I felt like my body just hated me. I kept trying and she kept crying each time. At the end of the day, I had to wonder who I was really trying to breastfeed for. Her or myself. Because she was quite happy to be formula fed. People put so much weight into breastfeeding is best etc but the advantages are minimal and not worth your mental health imo.

Im so sorry you went through that. Its horrible. Im worried my body wont work too. Not once in my life have I tried to think of myself as a woman, and now I need to be and its got me worried that I wont make milk, wont dilate, etc. We tried IVF a bunch of times and I never got pregnant; I felt like some kind of failure especially since I had my best friend do something so personal. And even then it took a bunch of attempts - I had to keep an ovulation calendar so that we wouldn't just be doing it all the time.

Not having periods has been nice though.

I failed IVF three times and then my insurance wouldn't cover it. It would be $10k per attempt after that, so my best friend and I followed the monthly calendar for almost a year. I legitimately thought my body was broken. You feel so awkward because neither I or he wanted to actually do it. I'm still kind of ashamed about it.

DarkRoast posted...

Im so sorry you went through that. Its horrible. Im worried my body wont work too. Not once in my life have I tried to think of myself as a woman, and now I need to be and its got me worried that I wont make milk, wont dilate, etc.

Try not to worry too much. I know thats much easier said than done. I had such a breakdown after I couldnt breastfeed because I was like seriously?? Just a last fuck you from my body lol

But today she is 18 months old and she is thriving. Omg Im so insanely proud of her and never thought I could love another being this much. She is healthy, happy, smart and a sweetheart. She runs to me to give me the biggest hugs. She has always tracked well in weight, height and developmental milestones. How I got pregnant, how I gave birth, the fact I formula fed, etc, none of that really mattered in the end. Shes here and she is doing amazing.

Cleo_II posted...

Try not to worry too much. I know thats much easier said than done. I had such a breakdown after I couldnt breastfeed because I was like seriously?? Just a last fuck you from my body lol

But today she is 18 months old and she is thriving. Omg Im so insanely proud of her and never thought I could love another being this much. She is healthy, happy, smart and a sweetheart. She runs to me to give me the biggest hugs. She has always tracked well in weight, height and developmental milestones. How I got pregnant, how I gave birth, the fact I formula fed, etc, none of that really mattered in the end. Shes here and she is doing amazing.

I keep telling myself that once I deliver all of these worries will go away. You're giving me a lot of hope.

DarkRoast posted...

I failed IVF three times and then my insurance wouldn't cover it. It would be $10k per attempt after that, so my best friend and I followed the monthly calendar for almost a year. I legitimately thought my body was broken. You feel so awkward because neither I or he wanted to actually do it. I'm still kind of ashamed about it.

I didnt know you also did IVF. Im sorry it didnt work for you. I know what a huge toll it is on the body and mind. Thankfully it worked spontaneously with your friend though I cant imagine how you both must of felt. How does he feel about the baby on the way? Is he excited about it?

IVF is such a weird mystery in why it doesnt work. The fact that it failed 3 times but you got pregnant naturally after proves that. The first two times my embryos just didnt take at all even though they were highly graded and everything looked perfect according to my doctors. It made me think I could never get pregnant until finally the third took. Even though I hated I had to go through so much hell to have my baby Im at least grateful for the options that I had.

He's extremely excited. He's gay and he and his husband view this as a way they can have a complete family (even though I'm going to have custody). He and I literally grew up together as best friends since kindergarten, so there's a certain sweetness to it that makes me feel good.

But yeah how crazy is it that IVF didn't work but the natural attempt did?

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She/Her is fine. I've made peace with that sort of thing. I still act male and it does make me feel good when people call me "he" and call me a future dad. But I'm female and I'll always be that way at least phenotypically, and I'm at peace with it.

In any case I think it's beautiful and special to have a child with your literal best friend. That's a really deep kind of personal love.