Current Events > Is life really better with a gf

(+) Yeah! (+)

is it CE?

Not in the slightest. You gotta love yourself before you can expect love from others. I've only been in awful, abusive relationships though.

I can't even imagine a fun relationship being... fun. You still have to constantly worry about so much.

As long as she's a good person who cares about you and understands you, yes. If she's a bad person, abusive, or just otherwise not compatible with you... no, not really.

Depends on the girl .

it depends on your partner, but ideally, life, in general, is better when you have the right people in it.

edit: but tbf, romantic relationships aren't for everyone.

Who else is going to feed you French fries on the way home from the burger joint drive thru

Smashingpmkns posted...

Who else is going to feed you French fries on the way home from the burger joint drive thru

I will. I'm always right behind you

In my experience, as a passionately lustful hyper horny worshipper of the female body, yes

No. But potentially you may touch tiddy

CRON posted...

Not in the slightest. You gotta love yourself before you can expect love from others.

This is wrong and harmful. Sometimes it's only possible for people to learn to be kind to themselves and love themselves after someone else does so to them.

Really depends on who you are with. Some will make your life miserable. Some will uplift your life.

gunplagirl posted...

This is wrong and harmful. Sometimes it's only possible for people to learn to be kind to themselves and love themselves after someone else does so to them.

I actually agree with this . Being loved can do amazing things for ones self esteem . I wouldn't be as whole of a person if one of my girlfriends hadn't loved me more than I loved myself .

If your life is already enjoyable without one, it makes it a lot better. If you expect getting one to make your life better, you're in for a baaaaaad time.

As of right now (for me), yes. I'm currently crushing HARD on someone and she infiltrates my thoughts every waking moment. I feel my life would be better if she were mine.

Rassiter posted...

Being loved can do amazing things for ones self esteem

It can... but it's possible, and healthy, to love one's self without anyone else giving you permission to do it. I learned to love myself because a girl I dated constantly got mad at me, put me down, blamed me for problems outside either of our control, etc... and I realized I was better off single than with someone who neither respected nor appreciated me. Before that, I was pretty depressed, lonely, no self esteem, etc.

I had to look to myself to find the love I knew I deserved. Now that I appreciate myself, acknowledge my own worth, and love myself, I've been happy whether single or not for the last ten years or so.

Finding love within yourself, for yourself, can do wonders.

gunplagirl posted...

This is wrong and harmful. Sometimes it's only possible for people to learn to be kind to themselves and love themselves after someone else does so to them.

I really like this way of thinking.

gunplagirl posted...

Sometimes it's only possible for people to learn to be kind to themselves and love themselves after someone else does so to them.

You're entirely correct in theory but how often does this happen in the real world? The notion that someone can be 'saved' through love is too idealistic.

Virgalyssa posted...

I really like this way of thinking.

It's removing a person's agency, though. You shouldn't assign responsibility for your own happiness to somebody else, especially somebody you haven't even met yet.

It's good to have a support structure, but it's called "support" for a reason. You still need to actively try to love and respect yourself within your own mind, too.

Depends. Having your freedom is great, but lonely. Having companionship is great but can get annoying sometimes. It's Yin and Yang.

Obviously the absolute worst is having a gf that is a crazy bitch >_> I'd rather be alone than deal with someone like that lol

Gobstoppers12 posted...

It's removing a person's agency, though. You shouldn't assign responsibility for your own happiness to somebody else, especially somebody you haven't even met yet.

It's good to have a support structure, but it's called "support" for a reason. You still need to actively try to love and respect yourself within your own mind, too.

You're not wrong , I'm just saying what happened for me. Ideally you should love and respect yourself , but lots of people do not. And no motivational words are gonna change that . Like someone else said , a relationship can make or break you .

Gobstoppers12 posted...

It's removing a person's agency, though. You shouldn't assign responsibility for your own happiness to somebody else, especially somebody you haven't even met yet.

It's good to have a support structure, but it's called "support" for a reason. You still need to actively try to love and respect yourself within your own mind, too.

Of course you should work to maintain your own agency, I agree with you completely there. However being shown love can really help some people get started on a better path of self love. Social support is super important regardless.

CRON posted...

You're entirely correct in theory but how often does this happen in the real world? The notion that someone can be 'saved' through love is too idealistic.

*shrugs* I mean just as an example, it took an amazing ex girlfriend of mine loving me to make me finally truly be able to accept the love others had for me. To feel like I actually deserved to be loved. And that I was worthy of self love. It happens. Sometimes just having someone love you with all your flaws can help you realize that there's no shame in being human and having flaws.

If you are in love

Or not. Idk about the stuff in-between

gunplagirl posted...

Sometimes just having someone love you with all your flaws can help you realize that there's no shame in being human and having flaws.

You are immeasurably fortunate to have been in a situation where this happened. I don't know if it's my cynicism or age, but that kind of thing just doesn't happen much, if at all.

gunplagirl posted...

This is wrong and harmful. Sometimes it's only possible for people to learn to be kind to themselves and love themselves after someone else does so to them.

Certainly it has helped me a whole lot. I can't begin to describe how good having some one constantly praising my little outfits has been That's how she uses "little", FYI. And now I use it that way too.... She literally snaps pics of me spontaneously, just because. She wore a bathing suit with me the first time I wore one.
And she thinks it's hot I don't tuck. That's mostly a matter of me being lazy, rather than being okay with the bulge.

But even aside from the trans specific, she's just this sweet, caring soul who combines a high IQ and EQ, and constantly gives me great advice and makes me laugh and just generally makes me feel good about myself. And I do the same for her. We're pretty different in a lot of ways, but we're both intelligent, empathetic gay ladies who have been through it and find comfort in each other.
I love her so much. Plus, she's been making food for me I would make food for her, but she can only eat, like...half a dozen things. Yeah.....

CRON posted...

You are immeasurably fortunate to have been in a situation where this happened. I don't know if it's my cynicism or age, but that kind of thing just doesn't happen much, if at all.

Oh, certainly not often. It really depends on who is involved and where everyone's at in their lives and so on.

CRON posted...

You are immeasurably fortunate to have been in a situation where this happened. I don't know if it's my cynicism or age, but that kind of thing just doesn't happen much, if at all.

Or you just never hear about it :)

gunplagirl posted...

Oh, certainly not often. It really depends on who is involved and where everyone's at in their lives and so on.

I've rarely seen it in my experience. From my own experiences, I've only been in awful, abusive relationships. I'm seeing it more and more as I get older and unfortunately I feel like I've missed the boat when it comes to finding actual love.

I don't know a single person who became a better person by finding love and being in a relationship.

Virgalyssa posted...

However being shown love can really help some people get started on a better path of self love. Social support is super important regardless.

Yeah, but it's not really great advice to tell somebody to wait until somebody else loves them. Or to expect another person to make them feel whole. It sets up unreasonable expectations, for one... and it also puts a person into a mindset where they no longer feel like they have any control over their own happiness and they need somebody else to validate them before they can respect themselves.

Support helps, but you need to carry your own weight as much as possible if you actually want to be happy.

If you attribute all of your happiness to another person, then if that person ever leaves, breaks up with you, etc. it's just going to ruin you all over again.

Love yourself first and foremost.

In all seriousness, I cant really see my life improving if I had a gf.

If anything, it would stress me out and exhaust me, which is the absolute last thing I need right now.

It would have to be someone really special, but I dont imagine anyone actually having the patience to deal with me lol

rexcrk posted...

In all seriousness, I cant really see my life improving if I had a gf.

If anything, it would stress me out and exhaust me, which is the absolute last thing I need right now.

If you have anxiety issues, it makes everything horrible. Having a shitty partner makes it even worse, and literally everything becomes a chore. I was literally terrified of my ex, at a certain point.

CRON posted...

You are immeasurably fortunate to have been in a situation where this happened. I don't know if it's my cynicism or age, but that kind of thing just doesn't happen much, if at all.

It happens all the time. My life is so much better with my fiance. My anxiety is under control for the first time in my adult life

I preemptively negated your above comment about anxiety issues...

bsp77 posted...

It happens all the time. My life is so much better with my fiance. My anxiety is under control for the first time in my adult life

Great post

Aye

bsp77 posted...

It happens all the time. My life is so much better with my fiance. My anxiety is under control for the first time in my adult life

This is alien to me, lmao. I haven't met a single human being, even my own family, that was actually mindful about my anxiety. My ex would literally just scream at me and tell me to "man up".

Let me just say this, if your a homebody, dont try to make it work with an extrovert who loves going out all the time. Youll be miserable, and will start to resent each other.

That opposites attract be us just that,BS

CRON posted...

This is alien to me, lmao. I haven't met a single human being, even my own family, that was actually mindful about my anxiety. My ex would literally just scream at me and tell me to "man up".

You had shitty exes and that sucks and I feel bad for you. But don't project that negativity on others.

ManaYuka posted...

Let me just say this, if your a homebody, dont try to make it work with an extrovert who loves going out all the time. Youll be miserable, and will start to resent each other.

That opposites attract be us just that,BS

This is also not true. I am an extrovert and go out a lot and she is a homebody most of the time. It works.

The key is she trusts me.

Few things being worse than cheating

And those are very bad things at that

If you ate loved life is better

Love can also be a weakness

Like anything else

better is a state of mind. the answer isn't objective.

also, having a girlfriend isn't the same experience even for the same person.
that is to say, what having a girlfriend is for even you is different everytime you have a different one.

you must also understand people give biased answers. people currently in a relationship are more prone to say yes because if they were to say no it would expose themselves as in-congruent. people do not enjoy being in-congruent and will even lie to themselves to avoid the feeling.
the same can be said for those who are single.

so you have to find your own answer, stop relying on others

Interesting

WingsOfGood posted...

better is a state of mind. the answer isn't objective.

also, having a girlfriend isn't the same experience even for the same person.
that is to say, what having a girlfriend is for even you is different everytime you have a different one.

you must also understand people give biased answers. people currently in a relationship are more prone to say yes because if they were to say no it would expose themselves as in-congruent. people do not enjoy being in-congruent and will even lie to themselves to avoid the feeling.
the same can be said for those who are single.

so you have to find your own answer, stop relying on others

I think I like it ^

It would be.

CRON posted...

If you have anxiety issues, it makes everything horrible. Having a shitty partner makes it even worse, and literally everything becomes a chore. I was literally terrified of my ex, at a certain point.

People who dont know what its like to only have ever been in shitty relationships (which is apparently the majority of people posting in this topic ) have such a difficult time realizing this.

It has made my life much better, I found someone wise where we both help each other grow.

rexcrk posted...

People who dont know what its like to only have ever been in shitty relationships (which is apparently the majority of people posting in this topic ) have such a difficult time realizing this.

It's a state of mind. I had nothing but shitty relationships until like three years ago when I met my current gf.

But I came to the realization about loving myself when I was in my early 20s, after dating my first "real" girlfriend for two years. At the time, I had no confidence, was very depressed and lonely, and had told myself that if I wanted to be happy, I needed to have a girlfriend--and that if I had a girlfriend, I would do absolutely everything in my power to keep the relationship going, because the alternative was loneliness and depression again. That was my mindset.

That's the mindset that got me into that relationship, and it's the mindset that prevented me from ending it much sooner than I did. I was terrified of being alone, of being 'single' because being single meant being a loser whom nobody loved enough to date. That's how I felt.

But through constant emotional manipulation, insults, belittling, etc., on top of being cheated on at least three different times, I came to realize that I wasn't happy even with a girlfriend. I stayed with her for those two years because I was afraid of being alone. Every time she said something cruel to me, I thought in the back of my head..."I don't think that's true, but if I argue with her, she might leave me." So I just took every abuse she served up, every disrespectful mistreatment, etc... always to avoid being lonely.

Then one day after undergoing one of our weekly "breakups" I came to the realization that...if I were alone, I wouldn't have to deal with her abuse and manipulation anymore. I could just be myself and be free and do what I wanted. So...when she came back and said she wanted to be together and not broken up, I told her no. And it took a lot of strength to say no. It took two years of abuse and resolve to say no...but I said no because I learned that I'd rather spend time with myself than with someone who doesn't respect or appreciate me.

Ever since then, I've treated myself with respect and love. Not arrogance, but compassion. I accept me for who I am. Even if I enter a room where nobody likes me...I still like me. That's the key to confidence, in my experience. Liking yourself, loving yourself, appreciating yourself. It's not about money, or success, or accomplishments...it's about acknowledging that you're a human being with feelings and independent thought.

There will always be at least one person capable of loving you, and that person is you.

Deep isolation can be really damaging for the mind and heart

I got into my relationship not long after leaving the closet behind for good. I had spent the year leading up to that momentous moment in therapy, just generally working on myself. Healing, coming into my own. HRT was a big help too, of course.

And I met her on Hinge about a month later. I barely even had girl clothes, I had been on hormones just six months, and here's this woman talking about lovely and femme I am. We met for the first time around mid-to-late March. We walked around her little neighborhood and talked and talked. She kicked me out early because she had had an attack earlier that day, but she paused as she entered her house, turned around and said, "I mean, I don't feel like we're never going to see each other again...right?"
I assured her we would have to do this again, and we've been doing it more or less ever since.