Current Events > Girl I was seeing the last few months just started flat out ghosting me.

(+) Yeah! (+)

Doom_Art posted...

A few hours crossover tomorrow

Dunno how much time we'll have alone tho

Can you just straight up say, "do you have a few minutes to talk today? Pretty sure I fucked up"

And for people reading this, this is not caving in or chasing. This is being accountable. And if you work past it, she needs to be held accountable for how she acted. You can't completely ignore it because it will likely happen again the next time you fuck up. And you will because we all do.

Doom_Art posted...

Should I still wait this out?

I was either gonna wait for her to message or give it a week or two now that I know I fucked up

Not sure what waiting will accomplish.
Just apologize when you see her again for not including her in your New Years plans. (Hopefully you don't have to wait a long time.)

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Based on what TC said, this might be more than FwB, as she has gotten on him before for neglecting her, so that suggests she might want this to be a relationship. She might be waiting for him to say something. Yes, I am saying might here a lot because I am not in this relationship. But if that is what is happening, then he should say something. If he is wrong, so what? Seems in a bad place right now anyway.

And if she cut off communication right when he said he was hanging out with friends on NYE? C'mon.

I am not a typical CE person. I am really good at relationships.

Jesus Christ

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And as I have said before these are 2 different philosophies, both of which can potentially work. The question is what kind of person does TC want to be. I prefer the open and honest route versus trying to simply control the situation and force them into complying. Lessons learned from marriage (and subsequent divorce) and more successful interactions since.

I do agree about the "lame" part though. My red flags are still there, but if TC wants to give this a shot...

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Some women really hate it when guys have no clue what they did to upset them, so those messages were useless in hwr eyes. I have learned not to date those women anymore but once again if he wants to...

He has nothing to lose by apologizing for New Years, especially because he isn't necessarily apologizing as a SO but rather as a friend. She can take it however she wants, but waiting is stupid, especially if she decides while he's waiting to go shopping for someone who will include her in on major important Holidays.

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I think we know that nobody died. So if she simply lost interest or something, then yeah you are right he looks ridiculous. Big deal, not the end of the world. Also, waiting around for her likely won't work unless she is extremely fickle and he shouldn't want that anyway.

But if he did mess up because of New Year's my way could rectify it while yours likely will not. So the chances are greater if he apologizes then if he doesn't. You are more concerned about control and pride.

Edit: you probably think I am "beta" or something. I am actually quite assertive with women, but if I have strong reason to suspect I actually did something wrong (as he does), then I apologize.

Y'all need to listen to Jeff on this. TC seriously move the fuck on, having someone ghost you for a week+ is not a person worth being in a relationship with.

IronWolf87 posted...

Y'all need to listen to Jeff on this. TC seriously move the fuck on, having someone ghost you for a week+ is not a person worth being in a relationship with.

Jeff and I kinda agree on that part. I will let TC make his own decisions but I have made it clear that I won't date women like that anymore.

Because regardless of whether New Years is the issue now, he should have invited her over then. That's why I finally asked if he had. It comes off odd, as her friend, that he didn't invite her over. It comes off odd as a possible SO. It just comes off odd with their history.
He has nothing to lose by apologizing now. It's not going to look ridiculous apologizing a few days after. And if it does...So what?

Honestly the only reason I landed on the NYE theory is because the contact dropped right after I mentioned what I was doing that night and given my history with her and the fact that it explains perfectly why then and not another time.

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I only believe it is NYE because of what he said and just reiterated in 321. So, no not certain, just an educated guess. He should talk to her in person (I wouldn't text again) and tease out if that's what it is and then apologize if needed. I am good at doing that in person, but I know not everyone is.

The ghosting part, yeah. That bugs me a lot. But I wonder how much she has actually brought up about him neglecting her, as it apparently has come up before. This suggests it might be more than a FwB in her head and now she is questioning everything. But ghosting is still lame, as you said, so I am struggling with this one.

My thoughts are that they are both likely at fault, possibly not compatible or possibly both need to do some learning. Sorry TC, not trying to talk bad about you! Most of us have been there when young.

I also question that ghosters come around later. Seems like it could happen but doesn't seem anywhere near certain.

Anyway, I think he knows our opinions here. I am done arguing. For now at least, no promises. :)

If I were to message I'd prefer to give it another little while. If I find a good opportunity to bring it up quickly and casually in person I'll say something, preferably if she's in a position where she doesn't feel cornered.

Ghosting is very lame, but decorum says if you think you made the first mistake you should own up to it. Saying "But she was mean to me back, so screw her, I'll just never talk to her again" is just childish and needlessly prideful. If she continues to ghost you after you apologize and explain yourself, sure, screw that shit, but not before.

Iunno I do feel genuinely bad tbh

I also dunno what I'd say lol

IronWolf87 posted...

Y'all need to listen to Jeff on this.

Hard disagree

Acting aloof and showing no emotion is fine if you just want to fuck, but building a long lasting relationship requires open and honest discourse, and realizing/admitting mistakes you've made (even if both people are fault). It wasn't a giant fuck up on TCs part to not invite her to NYE stuff, but it can definitely send a certain miscommunication that would be helpful to clear up if it is the issue

If TC is legitimately interested in seeing if there's a relationship here, it really can't hurt to try to talk about things. And yes, that can be done in a way that isn't pushy or forcing her hand

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Reading back through the chat

In our last conversation she mentioned work stress, being pissed with her mother, having period symptoms, with her asking what I was doing, and my response was to say "supposed to be partying but just lying around with a few friends over rn lol" that she hadn't been invited to

I feel bad that she made what I perceive to be a (flawed) attempt to spend NYE with me and I brushed her off unintentionally

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(Assuming TC is correct about NYE)
Acting aloof in this case, when that's what she is mad about in the first place, and he already has a history of, and as far as she knows he doesn't even realize it, is just going to make her feel justified and deepen resentment.

Easier to just apologize and talk to her instead of playing mental power games. IMO that stuff is for strangers and the freshly dating who don't know each other well, not for people you actually care about and have known for years.

The only downside is if I'm wrong about NYE I'm gonna look like a huge ass lol

Doom_Art posted...

The only downside is if I'm wrong about NYE I'm gonna look like a huge ass lol

Listen, if that happens, most likely she'll just say "Oh, no, I didn't care about that" and then move on. That's it lol.

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While shes wrong to clam up like this

From her pov would the way I acted not be a red flag? This guy shes seeing doesn't invite her to NYE and is oblivious about it while sending a message saying "what's wrong with you rn"

E_S_M_Z posted...

Listen, if that happens, most likely she'll just say "Oh, no, I didn't care about that" and then move on. That's it lol.

Hopefully lol

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Yeah I'm an ass lol

E_S_M_Z posted...

Listen, if that happens, most likely she'll just say "Oh, no, I didn't care about that" and then move on. That's it lol.

This, honestly

And if you feel bad about what happened, apologizing won't make you an ass even if she wasn't upset by it

My only worry is how to phrase it

Doom_Art posted...

While shes wrong to clam up like this

From her pov would the way I acted not be a red flag? This guy shes seeing doesn't invite her to NYE and is oblivious about it while sending a message saying "what's wrong with you rn"

Hopefully lol

Yeah I'm an ass lol

All of this is good reasoning imo

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I agree

Doom_Art posted...

My only worry is how to phrase it

There's really no good advice anyone can give you on that one

You know her better than anyone on CE, you'll have to make that call

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The issue here is she won't even consider that "reaching out" because he didn't even notice what he did and isn't apologizing.
Let's wildly, cartoonishly exaggerate his faux pa to make this more apparent.

Her:
"*Plethora of intense personal problems*"
Him:
"lol, oh yeah, not even your parents will ever love you."
"Hey"
"Hello?"
"Everything cool? We good? idk, I really don't get it."

I see where you're coming from, but now he actually knows what he did wrong and should just say so already. The antidote to the silent treatment is talking, not more silent treatment.

Doom_Art posted...

My only worry is how to phrase it

"Hey, I should have invited you over on New Year Eve, sorry about that"

Shamino posted...

"Hey, I should have invited you over on New Year Eve, sorry about that"

Maybe...

Gwynevere posted...

There's really no good advice anyone can give you on that one

You know her better than anyone on CE, you'll have to make that call

This really. I also feel it out based on how she is reacting. Just don't say, "I'm sorry for x, but you did y". Bring up your issue with her silent treatment later if/after it is worked out. Your apology can't have a "but".

If she's active online and isn't responding I'd take that as a strong hint she's not interested. I can't even bring myself to ghost people who get on my last nerve yet alone someone I like.

Goddamn what does she look like? Is she really worth all of this energy?

bsp77 posted...

Maybe...

This really. I also feel it out based on how she is reacting. Just don't say, "I'm sorry for x, but you did y". Bring up your issue with her silent treatment later if/after it is worked out. Your apology can't have a "but".

Noooo absolutely not. No buts. That can come later.

Torn whether I wanna send something online or wait til we work together

Doom_Art posted...

My only worry is how to phrase it

Just make sure you express whatever you're feeling and want to communicate to her. Mention you think you gave her the impression you didn't want her at your party, tell her that of course you did, explain why you didn't invite her, and then admit you thought you were looking out for her but were really just being stupid. Might wanna throw in an extra mea culpa for responding "Oh I'm partying" when she was opening up to you, lol.

You know her, so you know the particulars of what to say way better than us. I would do it in person if I were you, though, text hasn't done you any favors and this way you won't have any more miscommunications and can just talk it out. Not necessarily AT work, maybe ask if you can have a quick chat after work when you see her.