Current Events > I can't afford therapy, so I'm gonna get some things off my chest.

(+) Yeah! (+)

When I was a kid, my step-dad used to beat me and my little brother. Not spankings. He had a short temper and we were terrified of him. I woke him up one Saturday morning by telling my brother to get out of my room. His response was to throw me on the bed and hit me over the back with a wire hanger a lot. Left scars and welts all over my backside. Mom came in. Saw the damage. Never said anything about it.

He did a lot of stuff like this growing up. Made fun of me after my first bad break up and punched me in the face after I told him to knock it off. Tackled me against the door when I was in my early teens. Yelled a lot. Mom never got the police involved and I was too terrified to call them myself. She would threaten to leave him every once in a while but he would put on a huge show to get her to stay. He would cry and promise to change. He would be nice for a few months. Then it was more of the same.

Any time I tried to come to him for advice he would berate me then ask my mom why I didn't come to him often. Tried to stay in my room to avoid being around him and he would make fun of that as well. Now I'm out of the house and he's so phony nice that it's painful at times. It's like he was jealous of my brother and I and was waiting for us to move out.

I know now in my adulthood that he was doing this all to feel like a big man when he's actually weak as hell, but the things he did and said still stick with me to this day. Can't talk to mom because she'll play victim and cry to make me feel bad for her. Can't afford therapy. I just never really put this down into writing. Part of me needs affirmation that this wasn't a normal childhood and that he deserved to face consequences. But my family likes to keep everything internal. They felt the shame of other people knowing would be worse than stopping the problem.

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Thats fucking horrible, I'm sorry you had to deal with that. Your moms also awful for being a bystander wtf

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MartinBrodeur posted...

Just beat him up already. No sense in telling us all of this when you can solve your own problems

This is about moving on, not getting revenge.

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I hope that your future will be happier than your past was, I kind of understand how you feel in my own way and nobody should have to grow up in fear and pain.

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SquirtleSkwad posted...

This is about moving on, not getting revenge.

they are not mutually exclusive. revenge sometimes can help you move on, telling him all the pain he caused you by making him a prime example of what you went through

it's how i dealt with my dad, felt better afterwards tbh

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It's def not normal. You ever see kids just playing on a playground? Have you felt the need to walk over, prove you're better than them, and then physically dominate them and beat them up? No. I went through a lot of abuse myself and I think that random thought of watching kids play is when it all clicked with me. I would NEVER dream of doing that to a kid, what kind of insecure sick monster headspace would I need to drag myself in to do that? Those kids just sitting there being kids are no different than I was at that age. I wasn't fundamentally worse or deserved it.

I work with kids for a living, and while I've been frustrated by them, have to raise my voice sometimes, etc, I never even felt close to having that need. And those kids that are playing are no different than you or I when we were kids. Just victims of adults who never grew up and learned how to handle themselves. Be better than them.

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Maryllis posted...

I hope that your future will be happier than your past was, I kind of understand how you feel in my own way and nobody should have to grow up in fear and pain.

Thanks man. I know I can be a cynical asshole at times and it's all too easy to blame my upbringing on my disposition. But I really hate the idea of entering my 30's still holding onto this anger. I wanna be more positive.

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Do you still want them in your life?

For me, just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to care about them. Cut them out of your life and stop trying to please them. Obviously it doesn't erase past pain, but it takes a lot of time to be able to work your way past that. Opening up about it is a great first step.

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Master Kazuya posted...

Just victims of adults who never grew up and learned how to handle themselves. Be better than them.

This guy dropped out of school in the 8th grade to work on his father's farm.

Like it was the Great Depression in the 70's and 80's. If that paints a picture.

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MonkeyBones23 posted...

Do you still want them in your life?

For me, just because someone is family doesn't mean you have to care about them. Cut them out of your life and stop trying to please them. Obviously it doesn't erase past pain, but it takes a lot of time to be able to work your way past that. Opening up about it is a great first step.

As much as I wish my mom would have stepped in more often, she was a great mother in every other area. I still love her a lot and tolerate my step-dad to appease her. It's been some time since our last altercation, so it's not as fresh on everyone else's mind, but it's as vivid as the days it happened to me.

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Your evaluation of it being his insecurities and weaknesses are on the money. You could of did anything and it would of still happened. It's something that happened to you, not cause of you. Sorry you had to go through that. You got a fucked up roll of the dice and I hope one day you can get to the point where the thought of it doesn't come attached with a draining feeling.

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yea, sorry, man.

it's definitely not normal.

abuse isn't something a person should have to experience or accept as a part of life.

maybe he's remorseful, and wants to make things better between you two, but whatever the case, if him being a part of your life brings you no peace, it might be better to keep some distance.

idk how things are between you and your mom, so hopefully that doesn't create further strain on your relationship.

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Thank you, guys. It feels a little better to have some feedback on this. I don't have to see him in person as often or talk to him on the phone much these days, so it's not as bad now. But family gatherings still put me on edge.

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yeah he still should get a solid punch in the mouth.

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Chicken posted...

yeah he still should get a solid punch in the mouth.

Better to not even give him that energy. Doesn't sound like a guy who learns lessons. He deserves to be X'd out. As much as I love my mom and she's the most important person to my growth, I'd cut her out my life if she kept a guy around that did that to me.

But I don't know your support system and I wouldn't judge you for handling it however you do. I can't put myself in your shoes, I can only theorize and try to be sympathetic.

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Yeah, you were wronged, TC. Some men develop empathy around the age of 20, some never do. He was a coward who could only feel tough beating up a defenseless kid.

Lost_All_Senses posted...

But I don't know your support system and I wouldn't judge you for handling it however you do. I can't put myself in your shoes, I can only theorize and try to be sympathetic.

No worries, man. My mom has always been the placater of the family. Often times to a major fault. She recently apologized to me about it all because my little brother had finally blown up on her about it a few months ago.

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I know this is about moving on, but if you still have those scars, you have a good case for suing him on emotional and physical damages, child abuse, perhaps a few other things.

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I'm really sorry TC - nobody should have to go through that. It's really terrible on so many levels :(

I know you said you can't afford therapy but check to see if there are any universities near you with counseling programs - a lot of times they have free/low therapy centers where the students train under supervision of their professors.

Also check out 7 Cups, an online listening service