Current Events > Married/not single CEmen: what do you think of this

(+) Yeah! (+)

So I've been with my fiancee for 2.5 years now. From the very beginning it was clear we didn't have much in common interests wise, and up until the quarantine/stay at home order it didn't bother me that much. But after spending all day every day with her for months, I realized I'm not really getting what I want out of conversation because I can't really share everything I want to.

I don't think we shouldn't be together, but I tried to explain to her why I need to make friends IRL and I guess the way it came across was that I thought she was boring and now I feel like a complete POS while also feeling lonely af and like I have no one to really share with.

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Hmm sorry . I personally need a bit more info on why she feels unable to communicate emotionally

I'm single, I'm not sure why you needed to specify those restrictions

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inloveanddeath0 posted...

Hmm sorry . I personally need a bit more info on why she feels unable to communicate emotionally

I'm single, I'm not sure why you needed to specify those restrictions

She communicates just fine. It's more that I badly explained why I needed like a dude friend IRL to shoot the shit and talk art and BJJ/MMA and stuff.

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inloveanddeath0 posted...

Hmm sorry . I personally need a bit more info on why she feels unable to communicate emotionally

I'm single, I'm not sure why you needed to specify those restrictions

Because someone in a relationship would have more frame of reference/experience?

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I don't think you're in the wrong here, and it's harder to be clear and vocal about the things you aren't getting from a partner. I think she handled it okay, but their mild anger off the cuff is a yellow flag. I would approach this and just be honest. It's okay to have feelings in flux, and explain to them you want to have this conversation out loud with someone you trust rather than in your head. Try to be kind and level, but be clear and honest.

Sometimes you gotta hash out the shit and sometimes, somebody walks away. I've always preferred watching the door close than to have it shut behind me.

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SpacialEntropy posted...

She communicates just fine. It's more that I badly explained why I needed like a dude friend IRL to shoot the shit and talk art and BJJ/MMA and stuff.

Nothing wrong with that man. People shouldn't dismiss friends just because they are in a relationship

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SpacialEntropy posted...

Because someone in a relationship would have more frame of reference/experience?

Someone who has been in one would also have experience...

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I need to clarify: she's wonderful. Really. She just isn't an artist or a fighter and that's the kind of stuff I'm looking for in a friend. She'll listen to me talk about my interests, to the point where she remembers what kind of pens I use to ink my drawings.

It's just not her thing and that's fine, but I feel like I need someone who is to talk to. It just came out wrong and now she thinks I don't want to be with her or that o I was putting her down. I wasn't trying to :/

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inloveanddeath0 posted...

Someone who has been in one would also have experience...

True, sorry.

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SpacialEntropy posted...

I need to clarify: she's wonderful. Really. She just isn't an artist or a fighter and that's the kind of stuff I'm looking for in a friend. She'll listen to me talk about my interests, to the point where she remembers what kind of pens I use to ink my drawings.

It's just not her thing and that's fine, but I feel like I need someone who is to talk to. It just came out wrong and now she thinks I don't want to be with her or that o I was putting her down. I wasn't trying to :/

Just pretty much say exactly that to her. You'll be fine.

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Nah its normal. What we look for in friends isnt always the same thing we look for in a partner - at least on a hobbies type level.

You definitely need friends with similar interests and I doubt very many people here share all the same hobbies with their significant other.

Assert your dominance and break up with her. Don't take her back until she apologizes for having feelings.

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pepper2012 posted...

Nah its normal. What we look for in friends isnt always the same thing we look for in a partner - at least on a hobbies type level.

You definitely need friends with similar interests and I doubt very many people here share all the same hobbies with their significant other.

Yeah, that's true. I love her as a partner, but I need a friend is what I guess I should have said.

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I think she handled it poorly. But I also dont see why you brought it up at all. Do you need her permission to get friends or something? Why make an announcement of it?

You both kinda sound like overly sensitive people.

Cleo_II posted...

I think she handled it poorly. But I also dont see why you brought it up at all. Do you need her permission to get friends or something? Why make an announcement of it?

You both kinda sound like overly sensitive people.

You could have just ask instead of being rude and assuming you know people.

We were in my studio while I was inking a sample page for an upcoming independent comic and I was trying to show her what I'd worked on, while she was trying to tell me about finally saying no to talking to her drug addict half-brother.

She got mad because I glossed over her saying that, but tbf I was telling her about the comic and showing her and she interrupted in the middle of it to tell me that.

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SpacialEntropy posted...

You could have just ask instead of being rude and assuming you know people.

We were in my studio while I was inking a sample page for an upcoming independent comic and I was trying to show her what I'd worked on, while she was trying to tell me about finally saying no to talking to her drug addict half-brother.

She got mad because I glossed over her saying that, but tbf I was telling her about the comic and showing her and she interrupted in the middle of it to tell me that.

That part makes you sound insensitive. Her finally being able to put forth the courage to say no to that person may have been a huge deal to her. Yet you say you glossed over it as though it wasn't important.

Sure you might have been the one to initiate conversation about your art piece, but she felt it was a good time to share what she needed to. Your art won't magically fly out the window if you stop to listen.

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SpacialEntropy posted...

You could have just ask instead of being rude and assuming you know people.

...cleo hit it on the head. You seem like an overly sensitive person.

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Maybe being around you while youre working on your art makes her feel more connected to you and more comfortable to share personal things

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Sabram posted...

That part makes you sound insensitive. Her finally being able to put forth the courage to say no to that person may have been a huge deal to her. Yet you say you glossed over it as though it wasn't important.

Sure you might have been the one to initiate conversation about your art piece, but she felt it was a good time to share what she needed to. Your art won't magically fly out the window if you stop to listen.

In the middle of my thing? Don't you think that's rude?

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SpacialEntropy posted...

why I need to make friends IRL

She doesnt let you have friends?

SpacialEntropy posted...

You could have just ask instead of being rude and assuming you know people.

We were in my studio while I was inking a sample page for an upcoming independent comic and I was trying to show her what I'd worked on, while she was trying to tell me about finally saying no to talking to her drug addict half-brother.

She got mad because I glossed over her saying that, but tbf I was telling her about the comic and showing her and she interrupted in the middle of it to tell me that.

Yup, you seem overly dramatic. Sounds like you were just butthurt she interrupted you. Theres just no need to have a big talk about needing friends because she doesnt have the exact interests you do, unless she is specifically against that. And then you have other issues to worry about.

Couples tend not to have every single interest in common. Having other friends is natural. The fact that you felt the need to make it an issue because she interrupted you talking to tell you about something important to her says a lot tbh. I also think shes overly sensitive as well btw. I cant imagine getting upset because my husband wanted to make friends with people who have a love for war movies, for example. But given how you said you explained it poorly, I do wonder how you went about it and what you said exactly.

Cleo_II posted...

You both kinda sound like overly sensitive people.

SpacialEntropy posted...

You could have just ask instead of being rude and assuming you know people.

Is TC just pretending or does he really not see the irony lol

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Sabram posted...

That part makes you sound insensitive. Her finally being able to put forth the courage to say no to that person may have been a huge deal to her. Yet you say you glossed over it as though it wasn't important.

Sure you might have been the one to initiate conversation about your art piece, but she felt it was a good time to share what she needed to. Your art won't magically fly out the window if you stop to listen.

She could have waited until he was finished though. Idk, maybe it's because I don't like being interrupted. And it seems like TC's art is important to him.

Lyrica posted...

She could have waited until he was finished though. Idk, maybe it's because I don't like being interrupted. And it seems like TC's art is important to him.

No matter how important what I think I'm doing is, if my wife has something important to talk about I listen to her.

In any case if you know she's not really into it why would you call her over just to talk about it? I understand you might be proud or happy about it, but that won't change her interest.

And while his art might be important to TC, his fiance should be more important. Not understanding that means they're not mentally ready to get married

I also agree with what Cleo said above.

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Tc why dont you join some groups on reddit to talk about that shit. If you do bjj/mma shit, shouldnt there be guys at your gym to hang out with? Also everyone is on edge during quarantine, so dont feel bad about being impatient sometimes. Just.. dont keep doing it.

Sounds like you need to be free like a bird.

Be single. Get homies and FWBs all day long.

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Sabram posted...

No matter how important what I think I'm doing is, if my wife has something important to talk about I listen to her.

In any case if you know she's not really into it why would you call her over just to talk about it? I understand you might be proud or happy about it, but that won't change her interest.

And while his art might be important to TC, his fiance should be more important. Not understanding that means they're not mentally ready to get married

I also agree with what Cleo said above.

This is an upcoming comic that could land me a spot in the industry, not just a for funsies project. And the only reason I was telling her about it was she asked. And yeah, it was just bad timing on her part imo. I was right in the middle of explaining something important when she just blurted it out out of nowhere. Normally I would have been supportive and proud of her, but it just irritated me that she glossed over my thing to tell her about hers.

Also, Cleo ignored. Can't believe I forgot who she was lol.

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*asks for peoples opinions*

*gets angry and defensive at opinions they dont like*

CalypsoDoom posted...

agreed! Having friends is healthy and normal.

True. I actually had plans this morning to hit pads and spar with one of my old buddies but he had to cancel. I guess he's having marital trouble too, possibly might get divorced. Sucks to get excited and have it fall through, but obviously whatever's going on with his relationship takes precedence.

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Being married has taught me to always harshly look at myself first in an argument, which is probably what you should do instead of blaming her TC. I don't quite get the problem -- are you wishing she shared hobbies with you? I'm glad my wife and I have different hobbies, it's important to have your own thing. I know two couples who both are super into the same thing, and they are worse for it (fewer friends, conflict when one is better than the other etc)

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Colorahdo posted...

Being married has taught me to always harshly look at myself first in an argument, which is probably what you should do instead of blaming her TC. I don't quite get the problem -- are you wishing she shared hobbies with you? I'm glad my wife and I have different hobbies, it's important to have your own thing. I know two couples who both are super into the same thing, and they are worse for it (fewer friends, conflict when one is better than the other etc)

My problem is she interrupted me in the middle of ME telling her something important to tell me something important about HER. It was bad timing on her part and showed she didn't care about what I was telling her. Was I supposed to just completely drop what mattered to me to hear her thing?

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If my wife and I kept track of all the times we interrupted each other or changed a subject in the middle of a conversation to bring up something else thats important, wed go crazy. It comes with the territory of being comfortable with someone to the point where you can shrug off the confines of social cues and just exist around each other and not go tit-for-tat about being in the middle of your thing when someone is talking to you.

I dont want to give relationship advice beyond my own anecdotal evidence, but judging by your reactions to everyones input ITT it seems like youre being a bit selfish and possibly resentful toward your gf and using this as an outlet to be upset with her.

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SpacialEntropy posted...

My problem is she interrupted me in the middle of ME telling her something important to tell me something important about HER. It was bad timing on her part and showed she didn't care about what I was telling her. Was I supposed to just completely drop what mattered to me to hear her thing?

Ah I get it, I've had a similar argument. Honestly it just takes you both realizing you were both a little bit selfish, which starts with YOU apologizing (and not following that up with "but...")

You're gonna look back at this and it'll seem silly, I think

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Very important marital advice

Happy wife, happy life.

Even if you feel like you were still in the right, sometimes you just gotta let her win. As long as it isnt a constant thing (whipped) keeping her happy is your end goal if you still really want to be with her.
And yeah it sounds like you just need a couple of bro friends. Mine are through college and a best friend who I grew up with, it is tougher to meet new people/make friends as a grown adult; especially when you are devoted to a partner. But Im sure you can meet some people through your MMA sparring or whatever.

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CommunismFTW posted...

Just pretty much say exactly that to her. You'll be fine.

I agree with this. I think you just need to further clarify what you meant, and apologize for not being clearer earlier. I'm sure she'll understand.

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It's fine. Quarantine is driving everyone a lil crazy. You're not going to have everything in common. My wife and I separate most of the actual day to do our own things and them eat dinner together and hang out at night.
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