Current Events > Hi, I'm battling depression for the first time in my life and it's hard

(+) Yeah! (+)

Today was my day off and I didn't do anything. I normally am pro-active on my off day to keep me distracted but I didn't do anything today and now im so jittery and in my thoughts.

Nowhere near contemplating suicide but thoughts of self harm have started popping in my mind. Just curious thoughts, nothing impulsive but they never used to be in my head. Unlike a lot of people with depression I know, I see a bright light at the end of the tunnel. I see and I hope for it. But right now I'm a mess. It's really bad when I'm home and don't have work to distract me.

I also have developed a strip club habit. Nothing crazy, but once a month I go and I enjoy it. My boss has a platinum credit card that he lets me hold on to for food and runs. Every time I go to the strip club, I think of just unloading his card and going crazy.

I have hobbies. I lift weights and practice instruments. Haven't done either today. I'm breaking my clean eating diet today with pizza and burgers(I tend to eat junk food when I get depressed. That's when you know it's a bad day).

I'm sure a lot of this doesn't make sense but I'm rambling and needed to get some of this stuff off my chest, even if it is through text. Thanks.
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Try to stop going to strip clubs or put a limit on it somehow.
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catboy0_0 posted...

Try to stop going to strip clubs or put a limit on it somehow.

I only go once a month. Maybe twice max. Yesterday I only spent $100.
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Have you tried just not being sad?
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Colorahdo posted...

Have you tried just not being sad?

a frown upside down is just wincing in pain
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The past year of my life has been chaotic. A lot of women, partying, and moving around from place to place. No stability. I've been in this place for 6 months now and despite having some friends, I feel really alone. I cried today in my room, and it was kind of a combination of everything. I know it sounds whiny but I really am trying to get a grip of things.

I don't have much to be sad about. I have a fairly regular life, with hobbies, acquaintances(few deep), but I feel like it's all for show. A lot of it is fake. I need these people to validate me I guess. I don't even like half of them. And the ones I do like are so unavailable to me(Feel like they don't like me as much as I enjoy them). I hate being alone. Can't stand it even though I put up this fake wall of pretending to be an extrovert. When I go out, most of my connections are for the night.
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Thoughts of self harm are concerning. That is what my doc told me. He say depression can cause us to be impulsive and actually listen to those thoughts when we normally wouldn't. That is the danger of thoughts like that. It only takes one time where you actually decide to do it.
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And specifically about men too. He said women are more likely to attempt suicide, with pills being most common. Men attempt less often, but when they do they are more likely to succeed. Because men tend toward more direct means like a gun or a noose.
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Exercise is great for depression; not going to the gym is the biggest reason you're feeling like this imo.
But therapy is also good for helping you learn techniques for self care. And idk if the strip club thing is a problem but a therapist might see it as the start of an addiction.
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There's one person on the planet who knows how really fucked up I am and she is so far away from me right now. She's going to be even further from me when she finishes school. We are blood related and for some reason, I decided to pick her to dump all of my secrets, my life, my sexual escapes(Not in detail). If i were to ever become famous for whatever reason, it would be her that would have the real inside scoop on my life. She is very understanding but life is only getting busier for her. I call her sometimes and vent but tonight she didn't pick up so I had to spill how I was feeling here
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Mostly if you are depressed people see that it is your challenge and they won't care if they think you are undisciplined (strip clubs etc.) beer, gaming.
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You need to get a therapist man
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I'm up late. Went to be early around 9 PM. I'm in my thoughts and feel like absolute shit. I cleaned my room to give myself something to do(plus I think I hallucinated a cockroach lmao(that's what happens when you order pizza and fall asleep).

I don't know why I feel like this. I just keep thinking of my future and how I will never live up to the future that I want to create for myself. There's a part of me that wants to kick this negative thinking's ass but it's not winning.

I've been reading self help books and articles for the past year. All of them tell me to believe in myself but why is it so hard. Why is there so much doubt? I keep faking confidence and while it's gotten me things (sex, friends). It's still all fake or to fill a void. I want real, natural confidence. I want to be able to be by myself.

Is there anyone else who goes through this?
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You should talk to somebody about what is bugging you. If you've already started that in this topic, my bad. I didn't read anything other than the topic post.

Still, bottling it up is a surefire path to madness.
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it's official. I've gone nanners
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Find a hobby that doesnt involve spending time around greasy strippers.
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Chicken posted...

Find a hobby that doesnt involve spending time around greasy strippers.

really, I feel like this is the biggest thing that's eating away at his happiness
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It's the first time you're battling it?

I'm glad that you recognize that it is the first time, as there will be other battles in the future. Sometimes all you can do is bunker down and prepare for the worst. Other times you need to do everything you can you take the momentum you get and go as far as you can with it.
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@catboy0_0 posted...

Chicken posted...

Find a hobby that doesnt involve spending time around greasy strippers.

really, I feel like this is the biggest thing that's eating away at his happiness

This depression has gone on for about a year. The strip club didn't start until about 5 months ago. It's not the stem of the problem and I go once a month. Many stable men go every week.
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@gunplagirl posted...

It's the first time you're battling it?

I'm glad that you recognize that it is the first time, as there will be other battles in the future. Sometimes all you can do is bunker down and prepare for the worst. Other times you need to do everything you can you take the momentum you get and go as far as you can with it.

This may be the second time actually. In my late teens/early 20s, I had a bout with depression but there were many things in my life at that time that I was not in control of. Suicidal thoughts never occurred during that period of time though my self-worth was at an all-time low at that time. I put on weight and just hated myself. I stayed in my room feeling sorry for myself. Not trying to do anything better for myself. I was hopeless.

One day I decided enough was enough and it was then that I discovered weight training/exercising that I started to change things about myself, feel more confident, and begin to see light again. I lost the weight and got in amazing shape and started doing things for myself. Had a great run of 5 or 6 years until I hit another wall of depression last year.

The difference between this time and last time is my mindset. I can't just sit in my room and do nothing and just lay down and let it claim me like last time. I'm still exercising during this bout, still doing my hobbies, still seeing light. They may not be as exciting as they used to be but they still bring me joy. I know that every day is a chance to get better and become a better person.

The only problem is I've also turned to alcohol, sex, thoughts and temptation of drugs(haven't done any but feel closer and closer to saying yes each time when offered them in social situations). Weird thoughts of self harm are also present here.
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TC are you me 6 years ago
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Skywalkah posted...

This depression has gone on for about a year. The strip club didn't start until about 5 months ago. It's not the stem of the problem and I go once a month. Many stable men go every week.

well I mean, do you think it helps? it might make you go down the rabbit hole deeper than you already were
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@catboy0_0 posted...

Skywalkah posted...

This depression has gone on for about a year. The strip club didn't start until about 5 months ago. It's not the stem of the problem and I go once a month. Many stable men go every week.

well I mean, do you think it helps? it might make you go down the rabbit hole deeper than you already were

Strip clubs are this zone for me. They don't know who you are and you don't know a thing about them either. It's all a fake escape. I don't even go for the dances anymore. I just do them because it's good courtesy. I just like being there. It's not real but you can fake enjoyment, intimacy, etc. I also hang out with some of the bartenders there.
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Real intimacy terrifies me as I tend to leave or sabotage relationships with women when things get deeper than a casual level. There's this fear of abandonment with them that I experience and it causes me to overthink, push them away, or leave them before they leave me(even though they didn't plan on leaving me in the first place)

My last few relationships have ended like that, my last two especially. I'm on speaking terms with the first after apologizing for leaving without warning months later. I thought I learned my lesson with her but ended up doing the same again with the most recent ex. I have yet to reach out since the last time we talked.

Most of the men in my life aren't great models for relationships. My dad left my mom and us. My friends cheat on their girls constantly usually because of long distance. The times I did try to be vulnerable with women, I kind of got burned so I naturally refrain from letting myself get there again, and when I do, I kind of run.

I think that's why I might enjoy strip clubs. It's just fake intimacy. I don't have to worry about being left or abandoned because there's no real investment on my end besides a couple of bucks for a lapdance. Again, I don't spend that much there thankfully.

@catboy0_0
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I'm the same way dude, just on a lesser scale I guess. I never had a real male role model in my life.
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Id cut out the booze if I were you. Youll feel worse at first but much better in the long run. Have you considered anti anxiety meds?

@catboy0_0 posted...

I'm the same way dude, just on a lesser scale I guess. I never had a real male role model in my life.

What are your issues?

@alimajor posted...

Id cut out the booze if I were you. Youll feel worse at first but much better in the long run. Have you considered anti anxiety meds?

I hear those meds are the worst thing you can do to yourself when you're depressed. A lot of people on CE who have been put on them agree as well.
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Depends on the person. I'm on Lexapro, pretty much saved my life. I was constantly thinking about killing myself. Eventually I was going to decide to do it and I'd have been gone. Decided to get help before that happened. I'll be honest with you it made things worse at first but then it got way better. I started to feel like myself again.

Meds can help. No guarantee, but it works for me
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I am still battling depression each day. No meds here (don't work for me).

Besides some of the lifestyle changes mentioned ITT (such as, no drinking alcohol whatsoever), my biggest advice of what's helped me, and it WILL sound stupid, is to write down random good things in a tiny journal.

E.g. you just ate a really good meal. In your little notebook, "I just ate some really good food". Do stuff like that.

Also, for every negative thought pattern (e.g. "I will never get better"), force yourself to stop that thought in its tracks, and then think of 3 positive thoughts.

Yes it sounds dumb, do it anyway, it will help.
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