Current Events > I'm thinking about abandoning my mother.

(+) Yeah! (+)

My parents lost the house and separated. Father went off somewhere and mother was able to rent a room in the same house as me. Well, the rent is almost up because the owners are selling their home. I was planning on getting an apartment with my girlfriend, but mother seems to believe she is coming with me. I'm afraid to leave my mother because her credit is shot and the IRS is taking her paychecks.

My oldest sister has a house, but not enough space due to kids. Plus our mother will undoubtedly clash with my brother-in-law. Same problem with my mother's sisters: she does not get along with them at all. My next closest sibling lives two hours away, so not much of an option.

I feel like trash just for thinking about asking my mother if it's okay to get a place with just me and my girlfriend. Mom has done a lot for me and I feel like I'm the one who can help her the most. But damn I'm trying to do my own thing and I feel quite bogged down by all of this. Never had my own place, always been living with someone. I know I'd still be living with my girlfriend, but I'm sure you would understand how that's different.

Please advise.
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It's understandable, but instead of abandoning her why not help her get her shit together?
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You gotta do it. I just gave up my kid free sanctuary so my sister could move in. Its family man. They'd do the same
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Lost_All_Senses posted...

You gotta do it. I just gave up my kid free sanctuary so my sister could move in. Its family man. They'd do the same

Except for his sister

eston posted...

It's understandable, but instead of abandoning her why not help her get her shit together?

I don't know how I'm supposed to do that, other than keep her off the street. I guess I'm just really afraid that I'll be living with my mother for the rest of my life. I've spoke with my girlfriend about the situation, she wants privacy, too.

AlternativeFAQS posted...

Lost_All_Senses posted...

You gotta do it. I just gave up my kid free sanctuary so my sister could move in. Its family man. They'd do the same

Except for his sister

My sister will definitely pick up the slack if I don't do it. But then it's like what am I doing to help the situation? I feel like I would just be dumping the stress on my sister.
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AlternativeFAQS posted...

Lost_All_Senses posted...

You gotta do it. I just gave up my kid free sanctuary so my sister could move in. Its family man. They'd do the same

Except for his sister

My sister lived in Cali for awhile and she always wanted me to fly out and stay as ling as I wanted >_>. Spent like 3 months there over the years
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I suppose all that I can do now is communicate what I want. I'm just unsure how to bring this up without hurting anyone's feelings.

-I need to tell my mother how me and bae want to have space to grow together.
-Make sure my mother has a place to live.


That's about it. How should begin? Or should I just say it flat out.
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This is something you need to talk to your siblings about. Dont carry this on your own. Dont make this decision on your own. its all on you if you do.

Talk to siblings
Then talk to your mom about you and gf

Okay. If its all on you tomorrow, what can you do?
How flexible are you three involved in finding a place to stay? Can your gf move back home? Can your mom stay with relatives?

Reason: find apartment for you and your mom. Gf stays over some nights but not everyday.

Between you and your mom, can you save?
Goal: establish savings and mom live in that apartment

This will enable you and gf to find a place on your own when youre ready.
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I dunno man that's a rough situation.

My mother-in-law lived with us for about a month. I like her and get along with her, but at the same time, no one wants their mother or mother-in-law living with them when they're living with their significant other. My wife hated it more than I did, I think.

LONG TERM I really think it's a bad idea, because you and your girlfriend need your space to grow your relationship and even the coolest mom ever is going to hinder that, especially in what I assume isn't going to be a huge apartment. Maybe if all this is coming up really soon, you can allow your mom to move with you for a month or so but make it isn't permanent.

Of course not sure of your or her situation, but in our case we found a decent apartment complex that accepted subsidized rent or whatever, so she could afford it. She literally had no income, but a little paperwork later she could stay their super cheap, and after she got a job she had to refile and pay more but it was still based on her income so reasonable.
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Talk to the rest of your siblings/family first, make sure to chat with your girlfriend as well about this.

If it comes down to it have your married sister take mom since she already has a family, you need to keep your girlfriend so you can have a life.
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Your mother should consider bankruptcy if she is getting her wages garnished.
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Maybe she does and just doesn't have a lot of options, but your mother *should* realize that living with you is a bad thing and should be doing everything possible to get out of the situation.
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HBOSS posted...

This is something you need to talk to your siblings about. Dont carry this on your own. Dont make this decision on your own. its all on you if you do.

Talk to siblings
Then talk to your mom about you and gf

Okay. If its all on you tomorrow, what can you do?
How flexible are you three involved in finding a place to stay? Can your gf move back home? Can your mom stay with relatives?

Reason: find apartment for you and your mom. Gf stays over some nights but not everyday.

Between you and your mom, can you save?
Goal: establish savings and mom live in that apartment

This will enable you and gf to find a place on your own when youre ready.

We have been ready all year. My girlfriend is currently living with her family. She already stays the night every so often.

Mother can possibly move in with relatives, but she and her siblings are stressing over what to do with my grandparents (my grandmother had an aneurysm this year and is staying with my aunt).

Anyway, I think I would talk to my mother before my sister. I mean, it's ultimately up to her what she wants to do.

The Top Crusader posted...

I dunno man that's a rough situation.

My mother-in-law lived with us for about a month. I like her and get along with her, but at the same time, no one wants their mother or mother-in-law living with them when they're living with their significant other. My wife hated it more than I did, I think.

LONG TERM I really think it's a bad idea, because you and your girlfriend need your space to grow your relationship and even the coolest mom ever is going to hinder that, especially in what I assume isn't going to be a huge apartment. Maybe if all this is coming up really soon, you can allow your mom to move with you for a month or so but make it isn't permanent.

Of course not sure of your or her situation, but in our case we found a decent apartment complex that accepted subsidized rent or whatever, so she could afford it. She literally had no income, but a little paperwork later she could stay their super cheap, and after she got a job she had to refile and pay more but it was still based on her income so reasonable.

I agree we need space to grow. It's just I can't really see my mother living anywhere else that would cause her a ton of stress. I just feel guilty af. And yeah, we have to move out very soon, so this needs to be addressed. Need to figure out if I need an apartment for two people order three @_@

Offworlder1 posted...

Talk to the rest of your siblings/family first, make sure to chat with your girlfriend as well about this.

If it comes down to it have your married sister take mom since she already has a family, you need to keep your girlfriend so you can have a life.

My girlfriend knows the situation. At first she was okay with mom staying with us because I was about to purchase a house, but I got hit with my own financial bullshit and now have to settle for an apartment. That's too close for comfort. I need to speak with my mother first. One on one.

DragonGirlYuki posted...

Your mother should consider bankruptcy if she is getting her wages garnished.

I believe she has done that once before back when my father was in the picture. But I don't know what it all means.

The Top Crusader posted...

Maybe she does and just doesn't have a lot of options, but your mother *should* realize that living with you is a bad thing and should be doing everything possible to get out of the situation.

I'm sure she does. I'm the one who feels guilty tho.
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Take her for a long walk into a deep forest and run away.
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Wage garnishment means part of your paycheck is forcibly taken away to pay some debt.
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i had to do this for my mom when she was between homes and it was horrible.

i did it out of love but MAN it wears on you fast.

its fine to help her but you HAVE TO HAVE TO look out for your own mental health and that situation will not be healthy long term.
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