Board 8 > Writing Academy Judgment Week (cough) 3: Evil indeed.

Topic List	Page List: 1, 2
Achromatic 06/22/12 7:56:00 PM #51:	Uh, who is assigning blame for anything? I am waiting on her. In another topic I said people are too entitled for things, if you would rather I not do these topics please just let me know. I can stop doing it. I am not going to take anyone blaming me, or anyone else, for something "taking too long." Do I make myself clear? -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG The Cult of Personality. <cite>Achromatic posted [p:1219464] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Uh, who is assigning blame for anything? I am waiting on her. In another topic I said people are too entitled for things, if you would rather I not do these topics please just let me know. I can stop doing it. I am not going to take anyone blaming me, or anyone else, for something "taking too long."Do I make myself clear? -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPGThe Cult of Personality. </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
Natwaf_akidna 06/22/12 9:41:00 PM #52:	Suuuuuuuuure... -- My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic! Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest <cite>Natwaf_akidna posted [p:1219465] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Suuuuuuuuure... -- My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
Achromatic 06/22/12 10:05:00 PM #53:	Okay. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG The Cult of Personality. <cite>Achromatic posted [p:1219466] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Okay. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPGThe Cult of Personality. </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
GenesisSaga 06/23/12 6:39:00 PM #54:	Don't feel like writing on my berfday. Tomorrow I promise. -- Fennec... :3 http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg <cite>GenesisSaga posted [p:1219467] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Don't feel like writing on my berfday. Tomorrow I promise. -- Fennec... :3http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
Achromatic 06/23/12 6:40:00 PM #55:	Happy birthday, Gen. I hope it was wonderful. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG The Cult of Personality. <cite>Achromatic posted [p:1219468] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Happy birthday, Gen. I hope it was wonderful. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPGThe Cult of Personality. </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
GenesisSaga 06/23/12 6:42:00 PM #56:	It was... and still is! -- Fennec... :3 http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg <cite>GenesisSaga posted [p:1219469] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> It was... and still is! -- Fennec... :3http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
GenesisSaga 06/24/12 8:59:00 PM #57:	I'M NOT PLUM I KEEP MY PROMISES!!! Entry 1 Whew, where to begin? Well the glaring continuity error has already been tackled (and it glares like sunlight that shouldn't be shining, lol) so I'll address the grammatical issues I had with the piece. First and foremost: too, many, commas. Think strategically about where you're breaking your sentences. Sound them out in your head, and if a point where you've placed a comma doesn't sound like a point you would naturally break on in an actual conversation then there probably shouldn't be a comma there. I should talk because I'm guilty of doing this in message board conversations all the time- I'm the goddamn Comma Queen, but because I know I'm so bad at it I take extra precautions not to fall into that habit when submiting writing for review. Back on subject: too, many, commas makes a few of your paragraphs a little clunky and awkward to read. Upon rereading this, I got really confused at paragragh #4. From what happened to the little boy at the end, I supposed this guy believes he can prevent good people from dying by killing bad people before they comit their crimes. Whether he is actually doing so or just believes he can is unexplained and I like it that way. It's an interesting plot point, but I digress. Back to paragragh #4, he doesn't actually do anything. Here's the sequence of events: -Woman sees man being held at gunpoint in the future -Woman returns to the present and writes down notes -Woman looks back into the future and the man who was held at gunpoint now lives to old age At that point, I'm thinking this mystery gal has the Death Note or something. I mean, if you were going that route that would be unoriginal but fine I guess. The issue is that it's confusing. Is he writing the notes down to take care of the gunman later? If that's how it was going down it would've been great to mention that. And what's this about a plan??? Overall cool concept, mediocre execution. Work on your sentence breaks and always proofread for make simple mistakes like "A scream run in my ear". >_> Also watch for past-present discrepancies as they are a pet peeve of mine. "I took out my notebook and jot down the deatils." Should be "take" or "jotted" with "jotted" taking precedence in this case. Entry 2 So I read it once before, and upon the re-read let me just commend you on that fantastic title. Such excellent use of foreshadowing! Now back to the heart of the matter. I lol'd at "green eye" wondering if she only had one and another grammatical error follows right after. Be careful with that. "An underterminable time later" sounds awkward- you're missing "amount of" in the middle. Some of your word choice is a bit poor, but Chris already pointed out plenty of examples of that so I'll just tell you to mind that in the future. Otherwise great concept, good execution. This story was f*ed up and I mean that in the best possible way. It would kind of be nice to know why Vincent goes along with this whole plot. From what I can observe, he doesn't really seem to enjoy it but does it anyway like some kind of marionette. Is he afraid of what his father would do to him if he bailed? If so, express that within the context of the writing! More tomorrow! -- Fennec... :3 http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg <cite>GenesisSaga posted [p:1219470] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> I'M NOT PLUM I KEEP MY PROMISES!!!Entry 1Whew, where to begin? Well the glaring continuity error has already been tackled (and it glares like sunlight that shouldn't be shining, lol) so I'll address the grammatical issues I had with the piece. First and foremost: too, many, commas. Think strategically about where you're breaking your sentences. Sound them out in your head, and if a point where you've placed a comma doesn't sound like a point you would naturally break on in an actual conversation then there probably shouldn't be a comma there. I should talk because I'm guilty of doing this in message board conversations all the time- I'm the goddamn Comma Queen, but because I know I'm so bad at it I take extra precautions not to fall into that habit when submiting writing for review. Back on subject: too, many, commas makes a few of your paragraphs a little clunky and awkward to read.Upon rereading this, I got really confused at paragragh #4. From what happened to the little boy at the end, I supposed this guy believes he can prevent good people from dying by killing bad people before they comit their crimes. Whether he is actually doing so or just believes he can is unexplained and I like it that way. It's an interesting plot point, but I digress. Back to paragragh #4, he doesn't actually do anything. Here's the sequence of events:-Woman sees man being held at gunpoint in the future-Woman returns to the present and writes down notes-Woman looks back into the future and the man who was held at gunpoint now lives to old ageAt that point, I'm thinking this mystery gal has the Death Note or something. I mean, if you were going that route that would be unoriginal but fine I guess. The issue is that it's confusing. Is he writing the notes down to take care of the gunman later? If that's how it was going down it would've been great to mention that. And what's this about a plan???Overall cool concept, mediocre execution. Work on your sentence breaks and always proofread for make simple mistakes like "A scream run in my ear". >_> Also watch for past-present discrepancies as they are a pet peeve of mine. "I took out my notebook and jot down the deatils." Should be "take" or "jotted" with "jotted" taking precedence in this case. Entry 2So I read it once before, and upon the re-read let me just commend you on that fantastic title. Such excellent use of foreshadowing! Now back to the heart of the matter. I lol'd at "green eye" wondering if she only had one and another grammatical error follows right after. Be careful with that. "An underterminable time later" sounds awkward- you're missing "amount of" in the middle. Some of your word choice is a bit poor, but Chris already pointed out plenty of examples of that so I'll just tell you to mind that in the future.Otherwise great concept, good execution. This story was f*ed up and I mean that in the best possible way. It would kind of be nice to know why Vincent goes along with this whole plot. From what I can observe, he doesn't really seem to enjoy it but does it anyway like some kind of marionette. Is he afraid of what his father would do to him if he bailed? If so, express that within the context of the writing!More tomorrow! -- Fennec... :3http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
_Carlemagne_ 06/25/12 6:37:00 AM #58:	Genesis Saga, your write up https://docs.google.com/document/d/1a7dP0PsjObQixT3L61xQM5ObNxpWDS8Ui0Gbn6Esg2k/edit Added: I honestly got kinda bored of editing near the end which is why there isin't any. I don't know if this was intentional, but there is some clear PoV when you switch from character to character (which is common in a lot of novels), so good job with that. I'm not fully convinced with Espernanza's transformation, it seems too sudden as her reaction and thought process showed no signs of changing throughout the entire story. You do a good job with character background and fleshing them out, but both lars and the villain seem a little typical of their character types. Pretty good job overall. -- Chrono1219 <cite>_Carlemagne_ posted [p:1219471] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Genesis Saga, your write uphttps://docs.google.com/document/d/1a7dP0PsjObQixT3L61xQM5ObNxpWDS8Ui0Gbn6Esg2k/editAdded: I honestly got kinda bored of editing near the end which is why there isin't any. I don't know if this was intentional, but there is some clear PoV when you switch from character to character (which is common in a lot of novels), so good job with that. I'm not fully convinced with Espernanza's transformation, it seems too sudden as her reaction and thought process showed no signs of changing throughout the entire story. You do a good job with character background and fleshing them out, but both lars and the villain seem a little typical of their character types. Pretty good job overall. -- Chrono1219 </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
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Achromatic 06/25/12 7:05:00 AM #60:	From: Ed Bellis \| #059 Are we allowed to critique/rank/whatever if we haven't written an entry? Got a sudden fickle impulse to do so. (Doesn't mean I'll actually do it, but I'm just curious.) Absolutely. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG The Cult of Personality. <cite>Achromatic posted [p:1219473] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> <cite>From: Ed Bellis \| #059</cite><quote>Are we allowed to critique/rank/whatever if we haven't written an entry? Got a sudden fickle impulse to do so. (Doesn't mean I'll actually do it, but I'm just curious.)</quote>Absolutely. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPGThe Cult of Personality. </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
Pram_the_Oracle 06/25/12 7:33:00 AM #61:	Of course. Neat coincidence that the writers ranked the entries though. -- Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest <cite>Pram_the_Oracle posted [p:1219474] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Of course.Neat coincidence that the writers ranked the entries though. -- Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
GenesisSaga 06/26/12 8:19:00 PM #62:	Bah humbug. Damn power outage set me back a bit and I'm busy tomorrow. -- Fennec... :3 http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg <cite>GenesisSaga posted [p:1219475] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Bah humbug. Damn power outage set me back a bit and I'm busy tomorrow. -- Fennec... :3http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
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Achromatic 06/28/12 3:09:00 PM #66:	Thank you for your critiques, ed. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPG The Cult of Personality. <cite>Achromatic posted [p:1219479] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Thank you for your critiques, ed. -- http://firsthour.net/screenshots/suikoden-2/suikoden-2-luca-blight.JPGThe Cult of Personality. </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
#67	Post #67 was unavailable or deleted.
Pram_the_Oracle 06/28/12 3:43:00 PM #68:	Aww, nobody liked the snap? Oh well. -- Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest <cite>Pram_the_Oracle posted [p:1219481] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Aww, nobody liked the snap?Oh well. -- Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
KokoroAkechi 06/29/12 1:42:00 PM #69:	Thank you for your imput ed bellis -- Chrono1219 <cite>KokoroAkechi posted [p:1219482] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Thank you for your imput ed bellis -- Chrono1219 </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
GenesisSaga 06/30/12 7:37:00 PM #70:	Indeed. Thank you for the guest commentary Ed. -- Fennec... :3 http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg <cite>GenesisSaga posted [p:1219483] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Indeed. Thank you for the guest commentary Ed. -- Fennec... :3http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
GenesisSaga 07/02/12 5:05:00 PM #71:	Chris you can go ahead and put the next topic up whenever you like. My circadian rhythm going out of whack combined with the outrageous heat has me feeling listless and groggy all day and unmotivated all night. Not sure if I'll ever get around to this. V_V -- Fennec... :3 http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg <cite>GenesisSaga posted [p:1219484] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> Chris you can go ahead and put the next topic up whenever you like. My circadian rhythm going out of whack combined with the outrageous heat has me feeling listless and groggy all day and unmotivated all night. Not sure if I'll ever get around to this. V_V -- Fennec... :3http://fennecfox.biz/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/Fennec-Fox-Having-Fun.jpg </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
Natwaf_akidna 07/02/12 5:53:00 PM #72:	So you're weak to heat eh? jots it down -- My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic! Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest <cite>Natwaf_akidna posted [p:1219485] in Writing Ac... [t:63070981]...</cite> <quote> So you're weak to heat eh?jots it down -- My Little Phineas and Ferb: Summer is Magic!Aww, I lost to SuperNiceDog, Winner of the Rivalry Rumble Guru Contest </quote> ... Copied to Clipboard!
Topic List	Page List: 1, 2

Board 8 > Writing Academy Judgment Week (*cough*) 3: Evil indeed. (+) Yeah! (+)

Board 8 > Writing Academy Judgment Week (cough) 3: Evil indeed.