Current Events > Damn. Anxiety and depression crept back.

(+) Yeah! (+)

This isn't a woe is me topic. I haven't earned that lately, thankfully.

But after healing from my first ever fight with Covid last month, I was on this crazy high. I seen the other side. I felt what it feels like to live completely anxiety and depression free and it was euphoric. If anyone was paying attention, I pretty much documented all of it here through leaking out insight in random posts.

I dunno if it's because I fell into my old ways and didn't capitalize on the sensation or if It was just bound to fade away with time anyway, but it feels back to my common amount of anxiety and depression. Waking up feeling pointless for the first 30 minutes or hour. Everything feeling like a chore a lot of days. Fades interest in what Im doing. All that super fun stuff.

I am gonna try to hold onto faith that I can get back to how I felt last month tho. I know it's possible now for me specifically. And it's hard to see everyone else as being down or sad when I've really seen the other side.

Anyway, it is what it is but that doesn't mean it always will be. Or something more poetic sounding.

I have struggled with anxiety, but not really depression, so I can't completely relate or know the "right" thing to say. However, I personally think you are a positive influence on this board with an ability to remain positive and see the good in a lot of situations and people. Also, I know you are a fantastic uncle.

bsp77 posted...

I have struggled with anxiety, but not really depression, so I can't completely relate or know the "right" thing to say. However, I personally think you are a positive influence on this board with an ability to remain positive and see the good in a lot of situations and people. Also, I know you are a fantastic uncle.

Appreciate it. I definitely pat myself on the back a lot for the Uncle stuff.

I wouldn't say my depression is connected to me not liking myself. More do because I have no ambition. And me not hating myself for it makes it even harder to get ambitious lol. But, I really doubt it would help overall anyway. I got a nice enough set up as a minimalist. Blessed to be able to have a house on my own and what not. A place to actually have my nieces comforts met.

I try to keep it positive cause I believe what you put out comes back and if I create a toxic environment around myself, Id immediately suffocate in it. I'm not strong enough to not have supportive/understanding people around me. And that's ok, cause Ive learned how to build those relationships.

The anxiety is manageable. I actually do a lot of stuff in public even people who are in the spotlight get anxious doing. I learned how to not care what someone thinks if they're gonna judge me for petty shit anyway. Once you do that, petty judgements become more of a source of comedic material rather than legitimate embarrassment.

Your mindset handling this is ideal, but the whole thing still kinda sucks. Hang in there.

While I am not really depressed anymore but my Anxiety still kicks in and thats mostly about self doubt. I feel like I am failing or I won't be able to perform well in whatever endeavors I face in the future. I try to remind myself the achievements I had in the recent past to keep me going. Otherwise, I start feeling down and even lazy

Guide posted...

Your mindset handling this is ideal, but the whole thing still kinda sucks. Hang in there.

Yeah. I tend to preach what I want to believe as well, rather than what I currently feel in my depression when trying to support others. And that's been proven to work. Though anything that clicked took years of this.

I also think taking an interest in common people beating anxieties instead of focusing on money curing everything was a good call. Seemed more realistic. Example, I've always been scrawny and always will be. So, instead of fantasizing about having a bigger more built body, I always wondered how these other scrawny dudes walked around shirtless not giving a fuck. Now Im the scrawny dude with the crooked back walking around town shirtless not giving a fuck lol.

Aitz posted...

While I am not really depressed anymore but my Anxiety still kicks in and thats mostly about self doubt. I feel like I am failing or I won't be able to perform well in whatever endeavors I face in the future. I try to remind myself the achievements I had in the recent past to keep me going. Otherwise, I start feeling down and even lazy

Yeah, that's good insight on what anxiety can feel like. Makes stuff feel more daunting and then you just do something less productive but more easy/comfortable for yourself. Bit, usually when you beat a bout of this, you set yourself up for a better feeling later on.

No one wants to fuck with a shirtless guy when no one else around is shirtless. It's basically armor that rolls CHA saves.

As someone who is medicated for anxiety and depression, the fact you can acknowledge and process your own state this well is a sign that you should easily be able to climb out. It can be hard, even when you know youre at a low, to make the everyday grind back to normalcy, but you got this.

and if you never wanna chat Im open

Do you meditate? Wellness and meditation is great mind training

Guide posted...

No one wants to fuck with a shirtless guy when no one else around is shirtless. It's basically armor that roll CHA saves.

I don't know what vibe I give off. But in the 16 years of me walking around town alone or with my dog, everyone has been very kind to me. And I don't live in the safest neighborhood. But now that you mention it and I play it back in my head, I had a shirt on every time someone approached me lol. Maybe coincidence.

If I had to guess, Id guess I come off confident but harmless most the time. Though, if my anxiety spikes, I probably do get timid here and there still a lil bit. Most the time it's all eye contact and head nods. I feel like the head nod is a good way to feel respectable in society and respected by society. It's like a "We both just living our lives and ain't trying to get in each others way" type of communication.

Despised posted...

As someone who is medicated for anxiety and depression, the fact you can acknowledge and process your own state this well is a sign that you should easily be able to climb out. It can be hard, even when you know youre at a low, to make the everyday grind back to normalcy, but you got this.

and if you never wanna chat Im open

Appreciate it man. It's been a battle since 20 and Im a month away from 33. I am most definitely better off than I was in my 20s. In my 20s I was living so close to death Id be on a binge laying in bed with my whole body in shock just wondering if I was going to die.

And I was so depressed, Id immediately find myself there over and over again without pulling back on binging. I cared to be alive, but I didn't care enough to not keep doing it to myself. Now, Im off those specific drugs and don't even miss them.

And Im so good at hiding that part of my life, no one close to me could of even known to help until it was too late. Im just now slowly leaking out information about how rough my life had got.

I do believe if a couple things fall in place for me and I find more productive outlets, I might be able to sustain some type of happiness. It's not like I never have those days where I can just genuinely laugh at dumb shit with loved ones. Which is when I feel truly happy.

Do you meditate? Wellness and meditation is great mind training

Like most things, I tried enough to be able to pretend I actually tried. >_<

Best advice I can give is don't be let the anxiety pull you away from seeking help, because I know that is a thing. Whether it be self-help in the form of trying out meditation again, or something you think might help, a new hobby. Not to state the obvious but seeking help also, it took me a long long time of being in this purgatory of knowing i have issues, but believing i was self aware of them enough to manage them day to day.

Then I recently made the step to try out medication (i've done therapy before), and it has been life changing for me.

ANYWAYS, yeah man, you got this

Despised posted...

Best advice I can give is don't be let the anxiety pull you away from seeking help, because I know that is a thing. Whether it be self-help in the form of trying out meditation again, or something you think might help, a new hobby. Not to state the obvious but seeking help also, it took me a long long time of being in this purgatory of knowing i have issues, but believing i was self aware of them enough to manage them day to day.

Then I recently made the step to try out medication (i've done therapy before), and it has been life changing for me.

ANYWAYS, yeah man, you got this

My history with abusing medication kind of sours that route. It seems to be a Pandora's box situation. I been trying to use my opioids more responsibly for like a 7-8 years now. Cause I do need them to do things, but I also use them in excess to feel that too. Then I leave myself with less at the end of the month and I can't do much active stuff. Im just staying away from any other medications. Adderall was the worst for me. Thank god I never actually got a script. Those are what I abused to the point my body would almost completely shut down.

I seen a therapist earlier this year. She gave me some good advice, but ultimately we both felt I knew what I had to do and our sessions immediately just became circles of me pushing it off while knowing I shouldn't and why I shouldn't. The lack of ambition always been my boggest hurdle.

Im in the same boat as you on substances, I ended up on a combination of an SSRI and an anti depression, neither of which can be abused so my dumb ass wont be tempted

Despised posted...

Im in the same boat as you on substances, I ended up on a combination of an SSRI and an anti depression, neither of which can be abused so my dumb ass wont be tempted

I feel like we grew up in a time poppin pills became super enabled. And as soon as I realized I fucked up, rappers in the music I listen to were at the same point. I just say that to say I just feel like we were part of a wave and got influenced to think we'd be fine. Then when we weren't, the world was also catching on in a much more open way.

Lost_All_Senses posted...

Yeah. I tend to preach what I want to believe as well, rather than what I currently feel in my depression when trying to support others. And that's been proven to work. Though anything that clicked took years of this.

I also think taking an interest in common people beating anxieties instead of focusing on money curing everything was a good call. Seemed more realistic. Example, I've always been scrawny and always will be. So, instead of fantasizing about having a bigger more built body, I always wondered how these other scrawny dudes walked around shirtless not giving a fuck. Now Im the scrawny dude with the crooked back walking around town shirtless not giving a fuck lol.

I mean you could workout and drink protein shakes.

Also not trying to be negative, you seem to have a good outlook, and I think you might just be overly analytical about things.

HovaRex posted...

I mean you could workout and drink protein shakes.

He can prob get cut, but some people really cannot bulk for the life of them. My cousin just couldn't make the cut for highschool football. We're the same height, but completely different builds, and he was chugging a lot more protein shake than I was.

HovaRex posted...

I mean you could workout and drink protein shakes.

I have a medical condition that makes it harder to gain weight for some people. Though, I could be putting in better effort. Fucked up part is, as soon as I gained 3 pounds, Covid knocked me back 6. I definitely should try harder. Part of depression is that trying harder feels even harder. That's not an excuse, just a reason Im not doing the most.

Anyway, being skinny is far from my biggest problem. You're kind of pinpointing the part that I already figured out a way around.

Guide posted...

He can prob get cut, but some people really cannot bulk for the life of them. My cousin just couldn't make the cut for highschool football. We're the same height, but completely different builds, and he was chugging a lot more protein shake than I was.

Im one those people who would eat fast food every day as a teenager and not gain a pound. Smoke, smash food all night until I got a stomach ache and pass out to sleep through it. Lol

Guide posted...

He can prob get cut, but some people really cannot bulk for the life of them. My cousin just couldn't make the cut for highschool football. We're the same height, but completely different builds, and he was chugging a lot more protein shake than I was.

Gotta take in calories too. I was always the skinny guy, super fast metabolism etc. I started to take lifting seriously like two years ago and went from 5'10 150 lbs. To 5'10 168 lbs. I don't feel like I look scrawny anymore

HovaRex posted...

Gotta take in calories too. I was always the skinny guy, super fast metabolism etc. I started to take lifting seriously like two years ago and went from 5'10 150 lbs. To 5'10 168 lbs. I don't feel like I look scrawny anymore

Im 5'10" 130. You were never my level of scrawny. Your starting point is my goal lol. I do have definition btw. I naturally work out through hobbies. Sometimes I post my more flattering angles here. Im not doing the least by any means. Im just not doing the most either.

Lost_All_Senses posted...

I have a medical condition that makes it harder to gain weight for some people. Though, I could be putting in better effort. Fucked up part is, as soon as I gained 3 pounds, Covid knocked me back 6. I definitely should try harder. Part of depression is that trying harder feels even harder. That's not an excuse, just a reason Im not doing the most.

Anyway, being skinny is far from my biggest problem. You're kind of pinpointing the part that I already figured out a way around.

Understood I just identified with the always be scrawny thing cause it's something I used to think. It definitely is possible.

Again I think from what you've shared a large issue you have is "paralysis by analysis." You cope with things well, and think about them logically. I don't think you're beyond hope at all.

Hm. Sometimes I wanna join those topics, but then it's like, "would I really waste a lifetime of anonymity"

HovaRex posted...

Understood I just identified with the always be scrawny thing cause it's something I used to think. It definitely is possible.

Again I think from what you've shared a large issue you have is "paralysis by analysis." You cope with things well, and think about them logically. I don't think you're beyond hope at all.

Yeah. I don't find myself beyond hope. That was my 20s. Now I got a few people who really need me and Im more open and comfortable talking so I get entertainment out of that.

Guide posted...

Hm. Sometimes I wanna join those topics, but then it's like, "would I really waste a lifetime of anonymity"

I feel like you're liked here and no one would throw stuff back in your face. Im an open book and no one really throws anything back in my face. Maybe a couple tried, but they usually end up roasted by people who know we're all going through it in some way or another. I think this place is actually pretty mature overall when it comes to taking depression and anxiety seriously.

Sometimes I put out real information as bait just for fun to see if someone will throw it in my face and then see if I can flip it if they do use it. Life ain't that serious. If they end up getting one up on me, life goes on. It'll fade.

One time I gave Catboy the password to my account and said he could do whatever he wanted with it and pretend he was me. He never touched it tho lol. He made a good point about it being a bannable offense to do, which I didn't realize at the time. So, Catboys knowledge of the rules might be the only reason Im still around.

Some of it is paranoia, but I do have legitimate reasons to keep my identity sealed. If I got fucked over, I would only be able to blame myself.

Guide posted...

Some of it is paranoia, but I do have legitimate reasons to keep my identity sealed. If I got fucked over, I would only be able to blame myself.

Ive became numb to taking the blame for a lot of stuff. Though, that's relatively small stuff and I don't know what the implications are exactly here. As long as I don't hurt anyone else, Im usually willing to absorb whatever L I stepped into.

DM me of you wanna run specifics past me and feel comfortable with that. But don't do it if me having that information will become a source of anxiety later on. I would say I only bring up others when it's positive. But Im pretty sure I clowned on PoundGarden a few times in Pit topics lol. He blocked me, so I can no longer say or joke anything to his face.