Current Events > Crying at how things have changed so bad. Honest vent topic

(+) Yeah! (+)

I am 21 rn so if you assume im an older guy freeloading for ever im not actually.
OK so I will come clean about my nana
During the tail-end of lockdown where in the uk you no longer had to isolate she got a covid induced stroke and she mostly came out OK but two things
She can't use her right hand as a right handed person
She has changed as a person to become someone unlikeable to me
She's hard to talk to now because she just point blank doesn't listen to what people tell her and she goes on rants way too much. She says she hates everyone in her family sometimes including me in these moods because we are boring useless and annoying her but I, to a lesser extent my cousin and her partner are the only ones I have seen her be honest to she kinda pretends she's happy af to everyone else in the family and her friends besides one friend.
It's like her negative traits before the covid stroke enhanced and the things I loved were her now fake attitude That she masked.
She says things that makes little sense sometimes and I cry at how she's deteriorating so fast and I can't tell anyone cos they'd probably won't believe me cos she's so good at pretending and the nonsense is just little things so far. She said I pissed on the floor as an argument
"What"
"When you were a kid you pissed on the floor don't tell me about cleanliness!"
So what?! I was a toddler thats not relevant to anything right now why bring that up so left field
I was typing this out literally on my phone in my room and she came in and quietly apologised about how we argued but it just doesn't help cos this has happened like 9 times now. I can't put into words how stressful this is. To me. We had a beautifully close relationship for like 17 years and now she constantly talks about hating everyone. It is not who she is at all she has changed as a person thanks to the stroke and I am actually full on crying as I type this fuck

Honestly, just move out.

mach25687 posted...

Honestly, just move out.

She needs someone there to help she has one hand thanks but I can't

How old is she? Dementia and or ongoing bpd sounds like a strong culprit, my mother does/acts the same to me

coolpal23 posted...

How old is she? Dementia and or ongoing bpd sounds like a strong culprit, my mother does/acts the same to me

73 in August.

yeah that sounds about right dude, if she does have both, then it's a really bad combination and it sucks

Strokes can fuck you up like that.
Never know how someone will come out of them. My grandmother had one, and for a while, this woman who never cursed, just cursed everyone out when they tried to talk to her. Then one day, a switch flipped and she was normal; and when told about what she had been saying, she was horrified. To her, she had been talking normal during all those times.

My mom had one, and when from being a confident, take no shit person to being very..just timid and not quite herself. About a year passed, and just in the middle of doing something..She flipped back to her old self.

So, don't give up hope. There is a chance she can go back to how she was, and it's very possible that when she apologizes, it's parts of her trying to come back. Otherwise, my advice is talk to a professional. As someone who spent my late teens and early twenties caring for my near bedridden grandmother... You can't ignore your own health and needs for someone else for so long without it making you bitter.

Senta posted...

Strokes can fuck you up like that.
Never know how someone will come out of them. My grandmother had one, and for a while, this woman who never cursed, just cursed everyone out when they tried to talk to her. Then one day, a switch flipped and she was normal; and when told about what she had been saying, she was horrified. To her, she had been talking normal during all those times.

My mom had one, and when from being a confident, take no shit person to being very..just timid and not quite herself. About a year passed, and just in the middle of doing something..She flipped back to her old self.

So, don't give up hope. There is a chance she can go back to how she was, and it's very possible that when she apologizes, it's parts of her trying to come back. Otherwise, my advice is talk to a professional. As someone who spent my late teens and early twenties caring for my near bedridden grandmother... You can't ignore your own health and needs for someone else for so long without it making you bitter.

She also contradicts herself on her thoughts so damn much too and flips her opinion all the time my cousin who is closet racist to people from Pakistan not me was talking about immigrants and she was like agreeing with him that we need less ethnic people besides white people. She would not agree with that wtf!!
She said to sink the boat to stop them coming and drown them
I hope she can do that but she was better 3 months after the shock of a stroke than nowadays and she's getting worse now.
I have my freetime chilling rn cos I'm on easter college break I do care for myself as a person who cracked up in a psych ward in 2017 for stress and paranoia. I'm proud now I have a reason to go mental I haven't yet

Oh and she brought me up solo no dad there her partner comes once a week

OK well after crying a bit I hear my cousin singing and laughing obnoxiously and I'm so tempted to scream at him but I've never done that to anyone.
He Is probably some half sociopath with what I know but I will just keep doing whatever he knows how off my nana has been but he just shrugs it off and acts casual pointing out her mistakes in how she says about something that's nonsensical he knows but doesn't seem bothered at least he paid her 20 extra this month but well she buys us takeout together and sometimes him alone when he asks and borrows money for more takeout for himself

She has a partner? He might have to take over helping her.

Chicken posted...

She has a partner? He might have to take over helping her.

Chicken posted...

She has a partner? He might have to take over helping her.

He can't uh. She keeps saying she Is using him for taking her out for shopping and he's an idiot useless (word I can't say beginning with P) they're relationship is actually so awful right now, he's too damn passive too he's down bad to stay as friends but she keeps telling him how idiotic he is and he laughs it off, then when he's gone she tells me
"I don't even need him I could use online shopping but...."
I could go into details about more but just believe this partner guy is just so soft and pushover he is lonely extrovert type guy I like him a lot but he has some thing where he is extremely passive but loudmouthed.

KanWan posted...

Classic old person stuck in their ways

you aint about to change that, stop thinking you will youre 21 and thats just that

as far as the negativity though, its whatever, shes just that way now

make your life easier.. continue to empathize with her condition and let the run of insults fly past your shoulders and into the stratosphere

She tells me herself she is aware of the change she's said it lots of times in different ways one way she said it stuck with me though
'I've never been this harsh but it's how I've gotten now the world has made me this way"
In my head I know it's the stroke and she really gets angry about how useless her right hand is and how I need to do things like open canned food and help with things that are impossible for her now

KanWan posted...

Usually I find the phrase kill them with kindness to be appropriate in most situations unless theyre throwing literal knives at you. That doesnt mean kiss their ass, it just means helping out like you want to by opening canned food or whatever else.

If theres a positive in a scenario thats gone to shit, well, thats something to help you trudge through.

Glad she recognizes her way. Just take care of yourself along the way and be honest when you need to go do just that. Balance is everything.

I'm kind of a question asker with her, I'm not like this with many people, only people I'm comfortable with and she just like gets annoyed with how I need to be 100% checking if this is what she wants like I will repeat "this is how you do it?" "Are you absolutely sure?" And she just finds it annoying she was never an easily irritated person but I can't help but be safe than sorry so she gets irritated then we argue about something and It ends up with her name calling. one time I cried in front her cos of how despicable she made her voice sound at me and she got very angry and called me a pathetic 2 year old it wasnt even a major bad word she just sounded murderous in her voice and i hated it all just about a difference in our opinions on something. She apologised but it's like I see her as a new person and maybe it's why I behave different enough she notices but cos she looks the same as the nan I love I still feel comfortable being honest around her throughout my subconscious. Idek anymore

So, first of all, start planning on how you can move out and live on your own. You need an escape plan in case things deteriorate too much, or in case you eventually just can't take the status quo. If you think this isn't fair to your grandmother, think back to how she was before her stroke. Would that person want the person she is now to be abusing you? The answer is probably no, and if it is a yes, your grandmother was never a particularly good person, and we've circled back to "how to plan to escape".

You should try and speak with a mental health professional to work on the stress and maybe to help you plan. When relatives get older and struggle, or when there is a serious flare up of mental illness (that's what this honestly sounds like from my experience), you may reach a breaking point where you can't help any more. That's the point where other relatives or your grandma's partner have to step up. If they can't, then your grandmother may need in-home assistance or to be institutionalized (don't know how that works in the UK).

You cannot give people things you don't have. I firmly believe that people are too individualistic and too selfish in general, but there is definitely a point, and there are definitely circumstances, where it's time to tap out. It doesn't have to be now, but you should start planning for when it is time, especially if you notice a pattern of deterioration.

Are there no other family members to take care of her?

darkmaian23 posted...

So, first of all, start planning on how you can move out and live on your own. You need an escape plan in case things deteriorate too much, or in case you eventually just can't take the status quo. If you think this isn't fair to your grandmother, think back to how she was before her stroke. Would that person want the person she is now to be abusing you? The answer is probably no, and if it is a yes, your grandmother was never a particularly good person, and we've circled back to "how to plan to escape".

You should try and speak with a mental health professional to work on the stress and maybe to help you plan. When relatives get older and struggle, or when there is a serious flare up of mental illness (that's what this honestly sounds like from my experience), you may reach a breaking point where you can't help any more. That's the point where other relatives or your grandma's partner have to step up. If they can't, then your grandmother may need in-home assistance or to be institutionalized (don't know how that works in the UK).

You cannot give people things you don't have. I firmly believe that people are too individualistic and too selfish in general, but there is definitely a point, and there are definitely circumstances, where it's time to tap out. It doesn't have to be now, but you should start planning for when it is time, especially if you notice a pattern of deterioration.

She tells me she wants me to move cos I am too annoying then she says we'll both move somewhere cos she has the mood that it's the house fault because she Hates the stairs and that's why she's on edge (I don't think it is that) then she says it is cos my cousin is a dumbass loud selfish guy (he is but tbf he works long hours that sound hella draining) then she says it's cos she hats what the backgarden looks like a mess so if she moves it will help....
Now she is on the ball saying you're fucked if I die because you no longer have mental health money to help and that I'll be homeless. Sounds closest to my old Blunt smart nana but she keeps flip flopping. I liked her honesty it's nice. Anyway I don't know how i can get support I'd probably be ignored idk

CommonStar posted...

Are there no other family members to take care of her?

Lots if they are willing to change their setup but my uncle is an anti social world of warcraft player who hates living with people he won't. My other cousin could idk but he has a family of 3 and a girlfriend..oh her brother lives in Wales he would definitely help they are super close he doesn't think she's bad though cos she is so good at acting like she's fine with little cracks showing for when he visits on occasions

I edited it to girlfriend just to be correct even though it doesn't make a difference to anyone reading

I always say that dementia, being senile, mental health problems are the worst diseases, cause youre actively watching someone you love become into a complete stranger.

[LFAQs-redacted-quote]

Sounds hard. It's best not to blame yourself on everything cos it causes more stress I'm pretty soft to myself personally I forgive myself and others too easy It's weird thing I do I don't hold grudges too long

Darn, you're too young to be dealing with this. It sounds like you've had a hard life.

I think darkmaian23 gave some great advice. Hope things get better for you, and that you put in the effort to make that happen.

it's 100% the stroke probably and nothing personal. i've had to deal with this myself with my mom.

unfortunately you will have to get used to the fact that she's different now/not the person you remember. there's no easy way out.

definitely get a therapist/someone to talk to. If she's capable of living on her own or with her partner that's good.

SirRobX posted...

Darn, you're too young to be dealing with this. It sounds like you've had a hard life.

I think darkmaian23 gave some great advice. Hope things get better for you, and that you put in the effort to make that happen.

My life was the easiest difficulty mode until I hit 13 then my birth mother's inherited mental paranoia struck me I was thinking people were out to get me cos of some rude comments made I didn't get into a psych ward until 15 cos like my nana right now I'm good at hiding my emotions and true thoughts until I snapped and stopped going school which led to me going there for a while
Now my life is emotionally hard but college is a highlight which is so soo wild with how i loathed school after getting ill. I positive and negative vent to my highschool friend girl and I feel blessed she is so nice to me even if its only text and the occasional fortnite match.
I can do this I will not go in a psych ward I literally just come off my mental health money I can't just do that now.

KanWan posted...

My grandfather is this way after cancer. I think hes shrewd now just because he wants to isolate himself while dealing with the reality of the hurt of not being around. It sucks. I empathize with you. Its not easy.

Though, I will say, someone asking me a hundred questions about how to do something is annoying as all heck lol theres nothing wrong with that, I know a person asking those questions simply cares. Ive definitely had to tell people listen, just pick a way, and if its not that way Ill tell ya and I promise it wont be this weird and awkward thing trust yourself, I trust you

Not sure if that plays out necessarily in your case, but its something to think about. Even if a person yells that its wrong, its good to be wrong to know whats right. An honest attempt is an honest attempt, yknow? I wouldnt want someone apologizing for giving a shit or walking away feeling like their intentions are somehow removed from the attempt.

I was so used to how I talked with her as a child out of habit and now I'm starting to think she secretly hated my ways and pretended to be OK with it. It's not a coincidence how the ways she speaks to me now is based on her mood and she never seemed to apologise about the way I am cautious but she does apologise on other small things when her mood changes to be nice. I just think she honestly doesn't like the caution and never did when I was young so that shows how good I am at knowing a person

I'm sorry to hear that, it's a really hard time for her what happened must be traumatic and she isn't handling it the best. Stay strong and stay there for her.

Also make sure you still work on establishing yourself career wise and independence wise but also do what you can to support your mother and do the best you can to forgive her even when she really gets on your nerves. Show her mercy and grace and maybe that will positively effect her over time.

KanWan posted...

fuck man, youre making me tear up

Yknow, those with age are always gonna think thats just some silly dumb kid but I also think if its family youve spent time with they reserve a section in their mind that presents itself as yeah.. but thats my silly dumb kid

Its still in there fer sure.. that love, yknow? Its just struggling to bubble up through the weight of various concerns.

Dont doubt yourself and your intentions. There are many people who have crumpled like a ball of paper at the first sight. You havent. You wont as long as you take care of yourself and learn how to appreciate your own story within this.

Navigate. You can. If I could give you a hug, I would. If I could help out, I would. Thisll have to do for now though.

No she tells me she loves me I do believe that completely I just think she didn't like some aspects about me but that's fine cos she always seems supportive when it's dire
I really like your words here I can feel your support from how you worded this so personal thanks

2Pacavelli posted...

I'm sorry to hear that, it's a really hard time for her what happened must be traumatic and she isn't handling it the best. Stay strong and stay there for her.

Also make sure you still work on establishing yourself career wise and independence wise but also do what you can to support your mother and do the best you can to forgive her even when she really gets on your nerves. Show her mercy and grace and maybe that will positively effect her over time.

If I didn't have my nana earlier and now (as much as she stresses me right now, its pleasant the hours she seems to be in a good mood) or my close friend from school or that therapist guy I met after I got out the psych ward I probably would have turned asocial. I feel like my self before this mental paranoia started I was meant to be a loud cool fun extrovert like kinda how my birth mother is when she is not having a common bipolar episode. I don't like her too much with how she resents my nana in her bipolar episodes saying she doesn't deserve me cos she gave birth to me not my nana and how she tries to be the victim who is never at fault ever but I do have her trait of talking a lot which I can not deny only to like 5 people though who I'm comfortable with

super_felicia posted...

Lots if they are willing to change their setup but my uncle is an anti social world of warcraft player who hates living with people he won't. My other cousin could idk but he has a family of 3 and a girlfriend..oh her brother lives in Wales he would definitely help they are super close he doesn't think she's bad though cos she is so good at acting like she's fine with little cracks showing for when he visits on occasions

I edited it to girlfriend just to be correct even though it doesn't make a difference to anyone reading

I am sorry you are in this position. I've been through this a couple times and the advice that darkmaian23 gave is worth listening to. Right now seems difficult but it will get a lot harder when she begins to deteriorate further. The escape plan is a must. I don't care what excuses your family members have, you need to talk to them and split the work. You cannot shoulder this on your own. If they are unwilling, you need to look for options such as senior care. Get in contact with your local government and see what assistances they can offer you. You do not want to be stuck being the sole caregiver in their final year or months. It is the most mentally and physically draining thing.

CommonStar posted...

I am sorry you are in this position. I've been through this a couple times and the advice that darkmaian23 gave is worth listening to. Right now seems difficult but it will get a lot harder when she begins to deteriorate further. The escape plan is a must. I don't care what excuses your family members have, you need to talk to them and split the work. You cannot shoulder this on your own. If they are unwilling, you need to look for options such as senior care. Get in contact with your local government and see what assistances they can offer you. You do not want to be stuck being the sole caregiver in their final year or months. It is the most mentally and physically draining thing.

im not completely alone my older 27 yr old cousin does live here too but he works such long grueling hours he doesnt say as much as me to my nana and those 2 arent anywhere near as close considering he only came to live with us after an argument with his mother at 14 years old sometimes he can be cool and nice though idk hes pretty detached from both his mum and our nana

She realistically sounding laughed at me tonight cos I couldnt chew beef And I felt good