Current Events > At what point is being forever alone a red flag?

(+) Yeah! (+)

I used to be a really fat guy. Over 400lbs. Now I'm 180lbs and I'm just the default American main character. Brown hair, brown eyes, average build and features.

All those decades spent as a fat guy took a toll though. Especially on my social life. It's hard to make friends when your a big sweaty mess, let alone something more.

So now I'm 40, I just look like an average guy, but I've never been in a relationship of any kind. I'm not antisocial, bitter, or angry, being super fat forced me to have a good sense of humor, and people usually enjoy hanging out with me. But that being a 40 and being forever alone thing is giant red flag for potential partners.

Even when I explain the weight loss, they don't want to deal with someone learning what they should've learned in high-school.

What do you think? How do you get out of the cycle of being alone, just because you've always been alone?

You don't

DarthAragorn posted...

You don't

You know losing all this weight has been a double edged sword. It makes me look back at my life and regret it all. Why didn't I lose weight when I was 16 and could take advantage of it?

Now I'm in the best shape of my life, but I don't get to fully appreciate it, because it came too late.

I got a job where the people actually are decent human beings and would regularly go out and do things outside of work.

idk man, re-write your narrative, attend therapy, learn how to eat pussy from internet tutorials, lie to people, fake it til you make it, etc.

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Conflict posted...

If this was universally true then there wouldn't be people entering relationships for the first time after high school.

I know it's not universally true. I'm not bitter, like I said. It's a small dating pool though, that's for sure.

How many women you know around 40 years old, that don't have families, and have the time and patience to put up with a complete rookie like me? So it feels universally true

Snakebone99 posted...

How many women you know around 40 years old, that don't have families, and have the time and patience to put up with a complete rookie like me? So it feels universally true

Date younger then. People complain about it but i don't really see the alternatives when 40 year old women nigh exclusively want men who know what they're doing. >_>
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Why in the fuck are you limiting yourself to your exact age?

Go down by like 15 years.

Snakebone99 posted...

it came too late.

That's what she said 8D

:D

:)

:|

... I wish I had life experience to kontribute something of value. :(

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berlyman101 posted...

idk man, re-write your narrative, attend therapy, learn how to eat pussy from internet tutorials, lie to people, fake it til you make it, etc.

Its tough man. I'm 40, i don't do internet dating, women my age are usually way past where I am in life.

I'm living like I'm in my 20s, because I feel like I'm in my 20s, and it's the first chance I've actually got to live a normal life like a normal person. I have no problems with that part.

My problems come from not having relationship experience, and I can't get relationship experience, because of my lack of relationship experience. This type of situation has a name doesn't it?

nothanks1 posted...

Why in the fuck are you limiting yourself to your exact age?

Go down by like 15 years.

My problem with this, is my best friend has a daughter in her 20s. So...uh...I don't know about that one.

Snakebone99 posted...

My problem with this, is my best friend has a daughter in her 20s. So...uh...I don't know about that one.

Again, so?

Dude, there's a 50 year old teacher dating some dude in his 30s at my job
Age literally won't matter if you can relate to one another
Once it's legal I mean

It's not a red flag in and of itself, though at that age it's a yellow one.

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Snakebone99 posted...

Its tough man. I'm 40, i don't do internet dating, women my age are usually way past where I am in life.

I'm living like I'm in my 20s, because I feel like I'm in my 20s, and it's the first chance I've actually got to live a normal life like a normal person. I have no problems with that part.

My problems come from not having relationship experience, and I can't get relationship experience, because of my lack of relationship experience. This type of situation has a name doesn't it?

yes, it's a catch 22.

I feel the same in a lot of ways. one thing I keep telling myself when I get down about how difficult/uncertain/seemingly not worth it is to start something difficult at this time in my life is that "well, it's only for the rest of your stupid life that it matters." i.e., the consequences of not doing it or doing it will disappear for me when I die, so I may as well try to improve my experience when I'm here.

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Yeah, just rewrite the narrative. If you are self conscious about it then don't bring up your past relationship experiences, or lack there of.

Find someone and learn on the job like everyone else. This is the kinda thing that takes practice. The only way to get experience is to get experience. Some women like less experienced guys as long as they learn.

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nothanks1 posted...

Again, so?

Dude, there's a 50 year old teacher dating some dude in his 30s at my job
Age literally won't matter if you can relate to one another
Once it's legal I mean

Oh I know, I remember being 15 years old, with that same friend, looking at playboy mags and saying that we are almost the same age as the playmates. They were 18.

Snakebone99 posted...

Oh I know, I remember being 15 years old, with that same friend, looking at playboy mags and saying that we are almost the same age as the playmates. They were 18.

My point is that you are limiting yourself by comparing yourself to what you think you should have done

Stop that. Not everything is on a scale.

Snakebone99 posted...

I'm not antisocial, bitter, or angry

Then you're not forever alone in the first place. QED.

Just self identify as a "late bloomer" and do your best. Considering the massive volume of emotional baggage your average competitor has, I'd say a newbie is a catch.

Get a hobby or join a volunteer organization. Make some new friends and be proactively social with them, and work on your social skills in the interim.

It's very possible you're displaying low-confident and self-deprecating behavior and that is what's making the girls shy away, rather than being a newbie in general. Part of it is "fake it until you make it", but there's minimal need to be like "omg the last date I went on was 15 years ago lmao" when you could instead just be "hey dollface, wanna grab a malt this friday?"
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Just_a_loser posted...

Yeah, just rewrite the narrative. If you are self conscious about it then don't bring up your past relationship experiences, or lack there of.

Find someone and learn on the job like everyone else. This is the kinda thing that takes practice. The only way to get experience is to get experience. Some women like less experienced guys as long as they learn.

Don't even know where to start. The hanging out, and having fun together part, is not a problem.

The problem is if intimacy were to start, what the hell do I even do? Right, holding a hand would be a ground breaking experience for me, so the girl is not going to get anything out of this. My best bet would be to find someone with my experience level.

Never having been in a relationship is only a problem if you let it be tbh. All the things you are worried about are just in your head, at age 40 nobody is going to care about that kind of stuff anymore, you arent in high school

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philsov posted...

Then you're not forever alone in the first place. QED.

Just self identify as a "late bloomer" and do your best. Considering the massive volume of emotional baggage your average competitor has, I'd say a newbie is a catch.

Get a hobby or join a volunteer organization. Make some new friends and be proactively social with them, and work on your social skills in the interim.

Late bloomer? I like that. I have also picked up hobbies. I play music now, I started drawing and learning art, I paint miniatures for boars games, I play basketball at the park. All things I've learned to do, after I was 38 years old.

I really does make me wish I put in the work to lose weight when I was young though.

I remember trying to make a deal with the devil when I was a kid to lose weight, well I think this is the result of that

My advice is do not tell any dates you are inexperienced

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Romulox28 posted...

Never having been in a relationship is only a problem if you let it be tbh. All the things you are worried about are just in your head, at age 40 nobody is going to care about that kind of stuff anymore, you arent in high school

Yeah probably. Another thing I should've learned in high-school. Being super fat and ashamed is a terrible way to live. I mean, I wasn't living, I was just sitting around waiting to die.

skermac posted...

My advice is do not tell any dates you are inexperienced

Yeah, it does come up eventually. Like I said, if she were to want to kiss...what the fuck would I even do?

Snakebone99 posted...

Yeah, it does come up eventually. Like I said, if she were to want to kiss...what the fuck would I even do?

What girls do practice on your pillow.

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Mistere Man posted...

What girls do practice on your pillow.

I'm 40 fucking years old man. I'm not practicing on a pillow. I just need a domi mommy to teach me.

Snakebone99 posted...

I'm 40 fucking years old man. I'm not practicing on a pillow. I just need a domi mommy to teach me.

if you're that worried, you could find a call girl who kisses.

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Snakebone99 posted...

I'm 40 fucking years old man. I'm not practicing on a pillow. I just need a domi mommy to teach me.

Pillows need love too!

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The_Korey posted...

That's what she said 8D

:D

:)

:|

... I wish I had life experience to kontribute something of value. :(

XD

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berlyman101 posted...

if you're that worried, you could find a call girl who kisses.

I'm not that worried about it, not really. It's weird though. Something as normal as a kiss, I've never done. It's not like I break out in hives from nerves or something. I'm a pretty chill guy. I just think it's interesting, the difference in experience levels can change so much in a person.

Snakebone99 posted...

Yeah, it does come up eventually. Like I said, if she were to want to kiss...what the fuck would I even do?

you kiss her but you could practice first if you want in private maybe kiss your arm or something

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Snakebone99 posted...

Like I said, if she were to want to kiss...what the fuck would I even do?

There is a loooot that leads up into a kiss, usually. It can all happen in a blur, but there's a healthy amount of reciprocation and escalation, that happens before a kiss is even initiated. (also known as "putting on the moves" and "one thing leading to another")

Tell her you find some misc feature attractive and/or then do something physically mild such as a touch on the arm or briefly entering her personal bubble. Then, see what she does. Does she scoot away from you? Does she acknowledge the compliment? Does she poke you on the shoulder back?

Light flirting and casual, temporary physical contact out of you will hopefully lead to heavier flirting and more prolonged physical contact out of her and just keep up that momentum. If she shies away or doesn't reciprocate, she's either not feeling you or doesn't feel comfortable, just dial it back a little and she might come around on her time later in the evening (or bail, lmao)

If she wants to kiss, she's gonna enter into your bubble and there's going to be some reciprocated eye contact and a closeness before the lips even begin to pucker. Then... do your best, honestly. Just mimic what she does until you can figure it out. If you think you'd like to kiss, well, do similar.
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Forever alone should be abolished. Instead, think of yourself as forever available.


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SrRd_RacinG posted...

Forever alone should be abolished. Instead, think of yourself as forever available.

Well, when I was fat, I was alone. I felt alone. I felt awful. So that is a good way to say how I WAS. I'm not miserable anymore. I'm happier than I've ever been in my life. I feels like I was a different person stuck in a Fatmans suit.

You know how some people are just large and it suits them? Yeah. That wasn't me. I was a little guy on the inside, and being so fat was like an existential crisis.

Then, I was alone. Now, I'm available.

My real advice is you're behind the 8-ball if you think of timelines for things. By that I mean there is no set structure/timeline for anyone's life. So don't stress yourself out about ages and where you should be at.

I used to think money was the "root of all evil". Now I think it's comparisons.

Or better yet, comparisons are the root of all suffering.

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SrRd_RacinG posted...

My real advice is you're behind the 8-ball if you think of timelines for things. By that I mean there is no set structure/timeline for anyone's life. So don't stress yourself out about ages and where you should be at.

I used to think money was the "root of all evil". Now I think it's comparisons.

Or better yet, comparisons are the root of all suffering.

I see that. I was constantly comparing myself to others when I was insecure and ashamed of myself. Now, I kinda compare myself to my old self. I want to keep improving, because now I know I can.

I learned guitar because I thought to myself, I lost over 200lbs learning guitar can't be that hard, and it wasnt

Buddhism teaches that most people suffer when the mind goes to the past or the future. It's very hard for modern brains to stay in the present because we have adapted for survival.

Another thing Buddhism will teach you is that there is no self because everything is impermanent. Because everything is changing and ultimately ending there really is no "old self"

Unfortunately, people forget that things are impermanent. For Better or Worse, things are meant to NOT last.

If we view life through this lens, then we realize every day is a new day and that every moment is unique unto itself. Likewise, we will stop clinging to things. We will stop attaching to things as if they were permanent. We will stop saying things like I used to do this or used to do that. It really is all nonsense. Nobody is the same person from moment to moment... every little thing changes us. But unfortunately many people think the opposite and procede to cling to things ( whether they are emotions, people, things, Etc) as if they were permanent, as if they were forever. But they're not. Nothing is meant to last. It's the most beautifully haunting concept you can learn and digest.

Buddhism can help people leave anxiety and depression.

If even any of this interests you, maybe I can put you in the right direction so you can simply learn more at your own leisure.

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SrRd_RacinG posted...

Buddhism teaches that most people suffer when the mind goes to the past or the future. It's very hard for modern brains to stay in the present because we have adapted for survival.

Another thing Buddhism will teach you is that there is no self because everything is impermanent. Because everything is changing and ultimately ending there really is no "old self"

Unfortunately, people forget that things are impermanent. For Better or Worse, things are meant to NOT last.

If we view life through this lens, then we realize every day is a new day and that every moment is unique unto itself. Likewise, we will stop clinging to things. We will stop attaching to things as if they were permanent. We will stop saying things like I used to do this or used to do that. It really is all nonsense. Nobody is the same person from moment to moment... every little thing changes us. But unfortunately many people think the opposite and procede to cling to things ( whether they are emotions, people, things, Etc) as if they were permanent, as if they were forever. But they're not. Nothing is meant to last. It's the most beautifully haunting concept you can learn and digest.

Buddhism can help people leave anxiety and depression.

If even any of this interests you, maybe I can put you in the right direction so you can simply learn more at your own leisure.

This does appeal to me, and I inadvertently kinda do this...now. I think maybe because I'm so detached from my "old self" that it doesn't exist anymore. It's more of an idea, or to put it in a better way, it's a warning. A warning of what not to be. I'm sure I cling to more than I'm aware of though