Current Events > Roommate had a couple of hambeasts over

(+) Yeah! (+)

Roommate had a couple of hambeasts over. Walmart wonders, as it were. They looked & smelled like they hadn't bathed in weeks, and they were smoking it up on the couch without the windows open. So I said hello, waved, gave him that questioning look of "you're not really going to do this, are you?" and opened the windows, turned on the fans, etc. He said they'd be going out for drinks, invited me along, but I declined & stayed home. I fell asleep before they got back.

So it's probably like 3 or 4am, 'n I wake up to a fwup fwup shluup fwupfwupfwup sound coming from the living room. Goddamn it, really? But I had to pee, and the only way to get there was to go right by them. So I stumble out, just as hambeast #1 lets out this bloodcurling moan-shriek, eeeeeoohhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHYEAH. By impulse I just go, "Holy fuck, shutthefuckup, my fucking ears". Deer-in-headlights-mode engage.

Then I see it. There's blood and upended beer all over the previously white couch. The girl's just staring at me with this growing look of horror, but my rm is still fwupfwupfwup'ing away. I'm staring at all of the blood, and then she's suddenly like, "No, noONOnonostoooooppp wuaagh" and then dead silence. My rm gets this look of utter revulsion on his face, "Y-you didn't? You did. Oh GOD" and pulls out - of her ass, as she projectile beershat all over the couch and him. He jumped back, but not in time to avoid getting sloshed with the next wave. The stupid girl was just kneeling there, pushing out wave after wave, "h-help me out, I c-c can't get up", as she continued to pump out shit. That fucking smell. I ran into the kitchen and puked into the sink. He ran into the bathroom and did likewise.

I go back to survey the damage, and she's still fucking kneeling there in doggy mode. The couch is thoroughly fucked, the entire appt now smells like death, and she's now bawling her eyes out. Okok, fuck, uhh. "Okay, look, this is .. fucking terrible. I don't know what to say. This is really fucking gross, I can't believe.. like, what the fuck. BUT OKAY. Let's uh.. fuck, let's get you cleaned up, and then you two dolts are going to fucking fix this."

She just looks at me with these doe eyes, "b-bb-b-but I CANT MOVE". Wat. "Help me uuuuup". No. No I am not going to step into that ooze. "I can't get up by my-my-aaaaaaa-" and she teeters under her own weight, and falls sideways off the couch, into the pool of her own shit. My rm reappears at this point and I just look at him, make a few unintelligible "wha.. i, like, what. I don't e..WHAT, FIX. NOW." dismay squeaks, grab my stuff, and go spend the night in a hotel.

Huh?
---

This wasn't very good

Wut