Current Events > Life update topic! blogfaqs, storytime (long post)

(+) Yeah! (+)

Ok, so you guys seen I feel like shit. Mental breakdown whatever. I just want to vent, I don't expect you to read or respond.

Yeah, I haven't been emotionally stable for a long time, years prob, yes I've handled shit, but always on my own and maybe whining on CE and alcohol.

But it wasn't until a year ago things started to feel seriously bad, but I thought I could handle it. I was supposed to go to exchange student thing, but it was hard for me to do all those things I had to before going there. There was other school stress, and shit I was working on with myself, had recently had the drama with that failed attempt of relationship.

That semester I failed my first ever exam. Which I took too hard which had more severe effect on me that I knew.

I didn't go abroad for exchange as I should've. Because I chose to not go too late, I had to do my dissertation with my assigned partner that was going to the same place. Too late to change. So trouble started with that. We had plans on how to do it, but all plans failed.

Then came spring, and I had another chance to take the exam, but my mind got blocked, I could not study, so I failed again.

Stress of that and the dissertation and my partner not giving a shit about doing the things we planned got to me. We were supposed to work on it over the summer, but she didn't want to after we had decided that.

Then came summer, and I had my 3rd retake of the exam, I knew I would become blocked whatever, but I ignored those feelings. Instead I drowned all my anxiety in being naked in the woods and casual sex.

I did the exam, but I had studied nothing. I could not. I was breaking down. I failed of course, which made me not able to continue to my final semester. I had my meltdown.

And ALL the shit I've battled on my own, shit I've endured in high school and everything, that I have no friends, everything came crashing on me. I had to get help, and I eventually with the help of my mother took that step.

Now, I'm seeing a councilor that's doing CBT and stuff. It's fucking hard, I don't want to be close to my emotions. I just want to flee like I always do.

Today I told my dissertation partner, I can't do it, I have to drop out. I have to take care of myself.

I'm on study leave from my job, I could go back but I dunno if I can work feeling like this. I worked yesterday and Thursday and I just felt like shit, never have I doubted my abilities working because I'm fucking good at it. But I'm now so broken and vulnerable. And for the first time in my life, I feel like I'll have tight with money as well.

Now I have to concentrate on repairing my mental issues, feeling better. Pass the exam in November, try to work and earn money.

The best part for me is David however, my fwb, lover, friend. We have gotten closer and it might develop into something real, I dunno. But we'll see. He makes me happy and my troubles feel like nothing.

I still feel like shit, I had no idea mental pain could be like this, I had no idea I could know things logically but my feelings and thoughts would still take over. It's all so damn weird.

If you read all this, thanks. I just wanted to vent, and tell you guys my story.
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what?
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Nani
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Does David know about this
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GODTIER posted...

Does David know about this

Yes. Not maybe the 100% extent on my anxiety but yes he knows it all. Just like I know and support all his problems.
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Bump
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Good morning
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Bet it feels good to get all of that out of your head and somewhere else. If it just stays there it'll fester, and you don't need that.

Kind of a generic response but...not much else I can say.
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LinksLiege posted...

Bet it feels good to get all of that out of your head and somewhere else. If it just stays there it'll fester, and you don't need that.

Kind of a generic response but...not much else I can say.

Yeah, I've learned that the hard way.
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You can do it.
For David.
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bump
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